Sands of Time 2

I heard a loud crash in my room and when I came to look, I found out that it was my shoebox filled with all the Christmas decors from last year. When I picked them all and placed them all back in the box I found this pen that rolled far under my bed. It isn't an ordinary pen I thought... for it contains the sand that he once brought me. The pen has a transparent tube, I could see the brown sand inside. It was the sand he picked from Cambodia and brought to me as a present. He made a promise to me before, that he would always bring me sand from where he literally stood everyday so I would feel that he was always near me. It wasn't entirely his idea but he agreed with me that it was something unusual. It was an idea uniquely belonging to just the two of us. Now I am looking at that sand he gave me personally and I could not stop myself from smiling and at the same time crying while thinking of him. I never dared to touch the little rolled tissue placed in with the sand to prevent it from spilling out of the tube... he was the one who placed that in. Wherever my love is now... he no longer stands anywhere for me.

I am sure I dreamt of him last Saturday. It was a nice one. So short but filled with so much emotion. A happy one... he was beside me smiling at me and stroking my hair. That's all!

Autumn is bidding me goodbye

Gusty winds have blown many dried leaves to our garden today and I don't know how I will ever get the time to sweep them off and make the place look neat again. As a matter of fact, I like the wild look of our garden anyway. I like to see heaps of dried leaves and hear them crackle when I step on them. When the wind blows in and tosses them back and forth... I think of all the best musical scores of Vangelis and even James Horner or Hanz Zimmer.... I think of the time he wore white and came to me and say " I am home" in a dream.... I think of his face and how life has changed after running my hands on his cheeks. Autumn is almost over. I am cold.

Happy Birthday Dear Sunshine

If I Could
by: Barbra Streisand

I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
give you courage in a world of compromise
yes I would, If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
and I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
yes I would, if I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
but the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow, so I could let you go
if I could, I would help you make it through the hungry years
but I know that I can never cry your tears
but I would, if I could
if I live in a time and place where you don't want to be
you don't have to walk along this road with me
my yesterday won't have to be your way
if I knew, how I'd try to change the world I brought you to
and there isn't very much that I can do
but I would, if I could
if I could, I would try to shield your innocence from time
but that part of life I gave you isn't mine
I watched you grow so I could let you go
if, if I could... I would help you make it through those hungry years
but I know that I can never cry your tears
but I would, if I could
yes I would... yes I would
if I could

The world he never promised me

He did not... but I had it.. It slept through my hands and I can't pick up the pieces anymore. It wasn't meant to be coz nothing gets built on weak sand for me. His promises were but illusions... a candy that easily melted away in the sweetness of his tongue. I shouldn't have believed... but it was too sweet to resist. 

I have such small hands

The string is starting to slip off my finger. I could see it drift farther and farther away. The details are starting to become hazy and its shadow is starting to disappear before my eyes. I opened my hand and I could see the faintest trace left in my palm. I do not know how long I could keep it but it surely is fading away far quicker than the rain on the sand dunes.

I am selling my 7 month old laptop on ebay. I wanted to upgrade it to something else I found online. I hope someone buy's it soon.

My new blog somehow does not make me happy really. I do not like the layout and I also do not like the look. It seems that whenever I do not choose something "black", I do not get the equal amount of satisfaction. How will I ever do away with black? I am now tempted to just stick with it again. Maybe I should keep trying something else? Jeez I just do not know when I would finally think that everything is worth launching. I keep saying I would set it up but I end up changing my mind all the time. Anyway, brother is coming to visit us from the province and I really am looking forward to it. I just miss having someone else in the house too aside from my husband. I guess we both grow tired being alone with each other too much at times that we also needed someone else to break the monotony.

From time to time I think about things past but when it starts to make me feel a little sad, I brush it off. So I decided to just render my thoughts through photoshop again and see if I could finish it soon and post it here too if not in my new blog pages.

Old Shoebox Surprise

at 1 year and 3 months old. Hahaaaaaaaaaa

My ever beautiful mom

Happy as a Bee

Now I don't want to feel negative anymore. I have noticed that whenever I feel sad or angry, I only activate nothing but negative outcomes. Today is my past life. I want to change it. I want to think now of the good things only so that I will have a happier past. Does that make sense? I am scratching my head now. But I feel happy with what I have today. I can't believe I have always missed it and overlooked it. I have focused on something that I did not even have and it only made me sadder. Now is the time to not be sad about it anymore. I just have to be thankful for many other great things I did have and I do have until this day. Now I am smiling. I am happy. I will like to be happy and never loose whatever it is that makes me happy now.

I found this photo of my brother by the beach. I like the waves behind him... much like my mind. It has got my soul's color too.

Schedules have been very hectic for me these days. I barely have enough time to even fix anything personal. But then I still have time to think about you my love. You always creep in my head almost at any instance. I go through places, I see your name everywhere. I ask for signs and then I suddenly come across something I have always associated you with. I really wonder how you really look in person now. How I wish I could turn back time and see you again in the past. I miss you so much and I wonder how you feel about me too. I have prepared more contents for you po. You will like it I am sure or even laugh at it if only you come across it soon. Sarangheyo

Winds were so strong in the morning. I remember hearing the rattling of the tree branches against our roof and the slamming of our screen doors. I thought the new typhoon was already signaling its arrival and I wished I could just stay in bed some more. Time to work though and how I wished it was still 2001 when I was very enthusiastic in going to work. My husband has kept me up the entire night for many nights already as I could all the time hear him squirming in pain as he gets spasmodic attacks on his damaged vein. The doctor says it might take 6 months more before his vein could at least recover a little bit if "thoroughly" is not the word for it. I am actually growing tired of his moods because of it and 6 months is not a very happy span of time to think of.

Anyway... I looked into the shoe box that contained all the photographs I promised myself I would scan someday. I am halfway through it and I wish I could have the time to also upload it for my honey to see. I am sure he would laugh at it just like the way he did when he saw a photograph of me when I was 3.

Trying to forget

So now, my blogs are queued only in my folder. I don't have the time to set them up again for my new blogpost. My head is churning and I could not concentrate on one thing only. I am still traumatized by what happened to me few weeks ago, I still find it hard to sleep without the lights on. I could not look at the car or even think of anything for it. I don't want to drive it. All I wanted to do is for my husband to just hurry find a new replacement for it. We plan to sell it and just get a jeep type for a replacement. A Trooper looks good to me instead of a brand new Altera. I don't really think getting a brand new car or jeep is practical. A good second hand one will do as long as I get rid of this mitsubishi that gave me so much trauma. Perhaps it is not the car but it would really help if i did not see anything that would remind me of that fateful night. I even made sure I got rid of the clothes and even the accessories I wore that night. I did not want to see also the stuff my husband wore. We both got rid of all of them.

Dreaming all night long

It was very lengthy. I remember waking up at around 5am to go to the toilet and when I went to sleep again, I dreamt all the way about him till 9am. It was strange because I never had a dream as lengthy as this one I had last night. Especially not with so many scenes entirely and consistently just about him.

I was in a room alone with him and I could see him taking off his shirt while looking out of a hotel window. But the window showed scenes of a farm house. I looked out and I realized I was in the middle of the prairie with him. He made love to me and my eyes were filled with tears when I actually looked and it was his face that I saw right in front of me. He was so real and I have missed everything about him. I could not believe I was in his arms again. He was wearing his favorite white shirt and his attention was only for me. But then the skies outside grew dark the gust of wind grew stronger. I looked all around and I saw her approaching. I warned him about it but he never seemed bothered. Then I looked and there beside me was a little girl. She was fast asleep. I looked at her face and it did look like his daughter. I scampered out of bed in anticipation of trouble coming my way. Then I heard a loud knock on our door. I asked him if he wanted me to hide. But he told me to stay and just sleep with his little angel. And so I did.

She flew in furiously and started yelling at me asking me to get out of their lives and leave them alone. He was just there to look at me as if begging me to stay anyway. But he did nothing. In his face I could see that look of passiveness. He seems so used to this kind of scenario in his life he never did make a single move to shun her from hollering more abusive words towards me. Then she came in to pull my hair and then the scene took me to a different room where she was outside trying to force herself in. I was pushing the door so I could shut her out, but then she reached in with a sharp object. By then I realized that she got wounded on the left shoulder. I panicked thinking I was the one who inflicted it on her. I tried to hug her and say sorry ( I didn't know why I thought that way) but then I remember how I was the cleaning out the wound for him. He was wounded and was in pain and I did not leave his side. He was looking at my face and trying to talk to me with his beautiful pair of eyes while I made sure he was ok. Then I heard the most beautiful words I never did hear for so long from him. He said " Sarangheyo, my love. I'm glad you never left me" He smiled at me and looked contented. Then the scenes changed again. I was suddenly interviewing him after a long while of not having able to see him. I asked him how many children he has got now. And he said "three". Upon hearing this, I felt again the same feeling I had when I heard from him that she was pregnant. I felt devastated and I felt like the whole world suddenly stopped turning. But then I did not understand also how I managed to accept the fact in my dream. I was still there for him and was always by his side. I looked all around me and we were in the middle of the prairie. I was living in his house with him. But the house did not seem to look like the one I always saw in his collection of photos. The house we lived in was made of straw. He was poor in my dream and I could see how he was suffering. He said the only thing that makes him go on is the thought of his children. He said he did not want them to think he was never there for them. I looked at his face and I could see nothing but expression of sadness. I asked him what he wanted in his life... but before he could respond, she flew in again. She was berserk over the sight of me. She did not seem like she even fixed her hair when she came. She was dressed in white yet she did not look peaceful. She came in rushing to him and slapped his face right in front of me. And that did not seem enough to quell her anger that she had to dash towards my direction too. But when she did, I came to whisper to her ear something... something that calmed her down and look at him and me and suddenly smile. I told her "don't worry... I know it is time for me to leave. I will leave him and he will never hear from me again". I saw how my words made her so happy that she came back to him and smiled as though nothing really happened. I looked at him seated far away from me and I realized how he was so oblivious of the promise I made to her. He gazed at me with so much love and I smiled at him. But deep inside, I was aching. I was slowly dying over the decisions I yet have to make. I will be leaving him and he doesn't know about it. I will not be beside him anymore soon enough and he smiled at me without a single hint. Then I looked around me again, I still was in a hut made of straw but it did not belong to him. I was in his neighbor's house overlooking a very tall mountain. I saw strangers in the house with me talking to me as though they know me so much. They spoke to me acknowledging me as his girl. But he was not in the scene. All I see are hills and to the right I could see graves of strangers whose names weren't even written on epitaphs. I looked around again... and then I was alone. Not a voice of anyone was heard around me. I looked high up... and there he was, smiling at me with arms wide open. He said " It is near po. Come to me and I will show you my house. There you will never be alone anymore" I held his hands and he smiled at me. That smile he gave me went still... so still and I realized I was holding his photograph in my hands- the one he gave me together with his calling card.

Then I woke up to a heavy heart. I could not understand what my dream meant. There are so many questions in my mind I don't know how to piece them together. Is he having another baby? Is he sad? He did not seem so in his photograph on this website of a company he currently works for. He in fact has gained weight. He smiled so sweetly too he did not look like he had so much problems at all. She must be still bringing up the subject of me from time to time and perhaps still arguing about me. She must be really furious she wanted to just come and end my existence in their lives. Or he could also still be wishing for me to be there in spirit with him. Does he hope to see me again? Does he still love me? Strange but I have so many things in mind I wish I have answers to.

ICQ in my dreams

I woke up to a very dismal day today. I never even felt that it was already 10 in the morning for it was dark everywhere. The wind was so strong outside and all I could hear was the pounding of the rain against our window seal. No birds on the trees,nor playful kids on the street. I used to ignore days like this 8 years ago. I just jumped out of bed so early and rushed all the way to work so I could get the chance to speak with him online before work started. It was like that every single day then. And today, it all came back to me in a dream.

I was online talking to him. I was sitting on a chair with his name written underneath it. I looked all around me and I noticed how I was working again on the same old PC I was using during those days. I saw the same old ICQ window on my screen and he was on the other line talking to me.

Cool: Yes Sweety, I am here... as always po!
Prairiewinds: Really... it's you! How did you get in there again? I thought you left me for good.
Cool: Never po! I could say things I needed to say but deep inside, I could never leave you po. Everywhere I look, I see you. Whatever I do, I remember you. I could never even end a day without checking on you.Everyday, I suffer the harshness of my own words to you.
Prairiewinds: I have missed you so much, I thought you would never ever talk to me again. I have prayed so much for this very day when I would wake up and realize that none of these is but a dream :o(
Cool: I am real my love. My love is real and I will always be with you, dreaming of you, checking on you, loving you. Sarangheyo, my love! Remember that always. Ok?
Prairiewinds: Password please so I would believe it's you. My love?... Buzz... Are you there? Where are you my love?

Then my husband woke me up. He said, " I am here. Don't cry. It's ok, let us forget what happened that night. We are safe now and I am here. We're alive and we will make sure we catch those $%^&*****!!! and I'll beat the shit out of them $%^&*, Stop crying now please. You were just having a nightmare." Then he kissed my tears hoping he could dry it up as quick as he uttered his words. Little did he know that he actually caused my emotions to divert to a much more traumatic one by thinking that I am remembering that incident when we almost got killed.

I turned towards the very gray skies and all I could think of is my love. Where could he be? Why did he suddenly come to my dreams? Does this mean that he is trying to tell me the truth? Or does he mean just the opposite? :0( I wish I could just tell exactly. My pain is irreparable now that I do not hear from him. I just really wish that through this dream, I will be able to determine that he actually still loves me and that he is just not in the position to tell me the same and show me the same affection in the same manner as he usually did.

Stop me from crying now please...........

Have you been feeling something strange for the last 3 days my love? Long ago, I would be surprised when I'd get a call from you out of the blue. You would suddenly be asking me what was going on. You would normally get the vibrations and you would try to make sure I was all right long ago. I am sure that if you cared enough until now, you would've felt strangely uneasy while something wrong was going on with me since Friday. Anyhow, everyone who knew me would be shocked after learning my story. Read through po.

Not a very nice story

Around 10 p.m of September 18, 2009, I and my husband decided to take a little drive all the way from where we live to Tagaytay to take a little time off our busy routine and have a little sight-seeing. Both of us would frequent the lay-by (shoulder) that rests in front of a signage that says “St. Gabrielle Village”. Our favourite spot is along a busy road (Tagaytay Calamba Rd, Tolentino East, Tagaytay City) overlooking the Taal Lake. As usual, we would put up the windows facing the main road and leave down the ones facing the lake so we could get a good view of it while inside. Our car is a Mitsubishi Spacewagon and has an automatic lock system that is always engaged even when the engine is off.

My husband always opts to sit at the back whenever we are parked because it is more spacious at the back and he could rest his legs better. That night was no exception, he sat at the back with me and we both enjoyed our drinks ( Pepsi Max and Fit n’ Right) while enjoying the view and the coolness of the air around us. We were peacefully seated when suddenly two figures came around the corner towards the open windows. Even before realizing that they both had knives in their hands, I already knew what their motives where. At an instant I vociferously tried to grab my husband’s attention and pointed towards them for at that time, he wasn’t even facing the direction where the figures appeared. But that warning I gave him proved to be too late for when he turned to look at what I was pointing at, Assailant 1 already dubbed his sharp knife at him.

There were two of them with knives in their hands. Both of them appeared to be aged between 19-25, slender, short-haired, and brown-skinned. Assailant 1 was about 5 ft. 4 inches tall, was wearing a maroon bonnet hat, did not smell of alcohol but acted more berserk than Assailant 2. He was more slender than Assailant 2 also and perhaps even darker, and had a missing front tooth. The sides of his eyes were chinky-shaped and slightly grew a bit roundish towards the nose-bridge. Assailant 2 was shorter, with short black hair and did not at all have a striking feature that would make me remember his face much.

In panic, my husband swapped positions with me for a reason that was yet unknown to me at that moment. I was left to battle off Assailant 1 who at that time was standing so close to me outside the window and was threatening to jump in the car through the open window. I was trying to stop him from getting in by grabbing his wrists and at the same time pushing him away from the window. While still trying to beg him to not harm us and assuring him that I was going to give him what he wanted from us without any resistance, I was hoping that my husband would take the chance while he still had it, to move back to the driver’s seat and start the engine.

I however noticed that he did not make such a move at all. Instead he remained sitting behind me motionless and screaming “I’m loosing blood” over and over again. By then I have realized he was actually badly hurt. I panicked and turned to my husband and loosened my grip at Assailant 1’s writs. When I turned back to Assailant 1 he was already in the car with us and was pointing his very sharp double-bladed knife at my face. I begged him with more intensity to not hurt us anymore and was telling him that I was actually already going to reach for the things that he wanted and did not have the intention to resist him. He ordered me to tell my husband to not shout and make so much stir and he hit my right cheek with his left fist at the same time. He said he needed our cell phones and all of our cash as quick as possible and that I should give them to his companion who by then was standing outside with his own knife in his hand. When I did just as he said, I tried to beg Assailant 2 to just give me back our ID’s for they wouldn’t need them anyway. He agreed to it and allowed me to actually reach back into the bag and get all the cards that I needed. I had all my credit cards, ID’s and our bank cards back but both of our cell phones (Sony Ericson K770 and Motorolla razor), a black 2 Gig flash drive, my husband’s wedding ring (gold ring with 7 diamonds and my name engraved in it, caused 40K), 3 thousand pesos cash and some of our house bills were all left in the bag with him.

I realized that Assailant 1 was panicking inside the car for the alarm kept on sounding off and he could not unlock the doors and let himself out. In his panic, he tried to reach for the car keys while still not forgetting to keep pointing his knife at my husband. He did not stop threatening my husband and I with another dub of his knife if my husband did not stop wailing. My husband at that time was already panicking at the site of his own blood and was already slightly passing out. I begged the assailants to leave the car but I also have noticed how they were in a state of panic as any passer-by could notice what was going on inside the car since the fog has already receded around us. Assailant 1 started to reach for the locks again in hopes of letting himself out without having to turn his back on us since he also is aware that there is no other way out of the car but through the window again. We could anytime decide to kick him out and he could end up thrown unto a deep gutter just 2 feet away from the car. Assailant 2 tried to help him by removing the car keys from the engine but he also realized that that only caused the alarm to sound off even louder. I tried to get back the keys and literally pulled it off from his hand. He gave it back to me ordering me to stop the alarm. I also suggested that I was going to open the door for Assailant 1 and he could get out of the car safely and run away. I assured them that having them followed was the least of my priority and that I needed to get my husband to the hospital as quick as I could as he has already been loosing so much blood. Assailant 1 tried to threaten us even more by ordering his companion to go and fetch the gun for him so he could just kill us. When the doors was unlocked for them, Assailant 2 begged his companion to get out of the car and he even said to me “ Ma’am sorry, kailangan lang talaga naming ang pera kasi uuwi kami ng probinsya”. And then Assailant 1, while still pointing the knife at my face instructed me to never follow them till they are able to get into their own vehicle. I don’t think they did have an escape vehicle at all. They fled the scene with my husband half dead due to extreme blood loss.

I got out of the car to try to stop other vehicles for help. Nobody did stop for me except for 2 young men on a scooter. I briefly explained to them what went on and begged them to drive us to the hospital if any of them knew how to drive. But none of them could, so they offered to be the ones to call the police for us anyway. I could not drive, my fingers were cut and blood was dripping everywhere. In my panic that we were again left alone helpless, I was only able to drive almost a kilometre away from the scene in search of a police station. But I realized there was none in sight. No hospital either. When I stopped the car near a little bend close to seven-eleven, I sought help from passers-by. There were 3 men in a van (most likely a silver Starex) who asked few questions while noticing blood all over me. I was crying while begging for anybody who could sit in the car with us and actually drive us quick to the nearest hospital. One came down after quite a hesitation and drove us straight to the Tagaytay Hospital and Medical Centre. It was only a matter of 5 minutes when the police mobile arrived in the scene with the 2 young men in a scooter who I asked help from earlier on. My husband was critical in the ER and underwent a 4 ½ hours of major surgical procedure. He underwent blood transfusion and is now recuperating. Our hospital bills have amounted to almost 100 thousand pesos and we are determined to press complaints against these assailants who have in many ways given us a traumatic experience in our once thought, very peaceful and beautiful place- Tagaytay.

Funny, but that yellow plastic bag was not at all there with us when it happened. It must be the bag from the hospital where they placed our blood-soaked belongings.

Now those seat pockets needed to be removed because they said the car stinks like a carcass. The pockets were filled with blood too

The plaid bag wasn't there . That is the one I recall my aunt brought to the hospital with my fresh clothes. I got these photographs from the police files just this afternoon and I just don't understand how they allowed to photograph the car without eliminating the stuff that weren't originally there during the crime.

I was storming mad already with my internet connection when I still did not get a decent one towards the evening. I got so stressed out that I could not finish any task online at all. Now I am not even half way to setting up my new blog site as nothing gets connected when I try to upload the images. My eyes hurt and I wanted to just get a hammer and break the stupid broadband box in front of me. Good thing David Lanz was playing the most relaxing piano tunes in my ears and I was able to shift my anger to the most beautiful thoughts of him. I do miss him a lot and I wish he never does forget me. Sometimes I get a feeling that he is just around and always checking on me as he always have told me in the past. But ofcourse situations do change, and I am aware of the possibility too that those words may no longer be true to these days. :o( I wish to hear from him.

Preparing for the launch of a new blog site

I have been very busy working on this new blog that I have promised for a long time already. I hope I will be able to introduce the link tomorrow. I really have gone so late in doing this due to my overlapping work online :o( . The monsoon has stopped (maybe for a little while only) and I am hoping that it keeps on raining so that I would be more inspired to write my new entries for my blog. Funny, I do like it to rain some more because I only think about my love when it rains. A lot of things come to my head when the skies are overcast. Even the banner image I have created today still says a lot about him. For the love of my life... you inspired me in doing this.

Up Against the Ocean Waves
by: terraincognita11th

Crediting back to:
original lady image: http://faestock.deviantart.com/gallery/
original girl image: http://tracie76stock.deviantart.com/

and to you my love, for the image below and ofcourse for the image of your house that I have also used again as a background.

I always find myself sitting even in the middle of the night in this place in Tagaytay. It is near the different-colored lamp posts overlooking the pretty volcano. I feel peaceful in there. I drive there and stay there even till 12 a.m. I contemplate and think of things I could have done and things I should do just to make myself feel happy about the things I no longer have. I saw how the mist would form thickly on my window shield and I would witness how foggy the place becomes just before the rain starts pouring in. Nice place to be. I wish my love would be just beside me and together be staring out of the window with me.

I did it!

I just finished programming a new website for my client and I am glad she really liked the design and chose it over the ones submitted to her by another designer. I work for this American remotely and we often communicate through emails and skype only. My services were hired mainly for Google Search Marketing and PPC Management but then she thought she needed a fresh website too. I was supposed to take care of the hiring of a designer and programmer but I also could not find readily available ones. So... I decided to help myself with it. I was then surprised by myself. I could not believe I could build a real website too with the little knowledge I have in CSS and HTML. Now that the site is up, I am ready to consider Joomla and maybe someday, Drupal. I could not learn all these in a snap as I am very busy with other things too.

Oh honey look po! I wish I could still tell you about it. I always found it so nice to talk to you about the little things I have accomplished before. I knew you would always smile and praise me for them. I miss you more now that I find nobody to really listen to me the way you always did. I miss the way you loved me po. It is almost 3 am. I need to sleep now. Sarangheyo

I kept them for you

I found some of the little artworks I did from long time ago in my old suitcase while cleaning up my room. I kept everything in there in hopes of showing it all to him one day. Some were done way back in the years when I first met him. Every single dot I drew and every little splash of watercolor I put were all for him. He wouldn't appreciate it perhaps even when I had the chance to show it to him before because I know they aren't that great to boast about even. They might even seem too childish to others and too common too. I don't really have a background in painting and that every artwork I come up with are all just innate. So I decided to find a better chance to show it to him. I kept them till that perfect time comes... but it never did.

Autumn Pines by terraincognita11th

Our Backyard by terraincognita11th


[ more to be scanned]

Sands of Time

I have been following him everywhere. I search, I check broken links, I find new numbers, I succeed. But then I stop right there. What do I do next? Nothing... I know I am at a dead end. Everything lies still and motionless in my hands. I look around me and realized that everything has changed. The trees all around me have grown much bigger while I have grown much smaller in the midst of yearning for the things that never seem to come my way anymore. No tables are turning, or maybe not yet. I check all his photographs with me- they too have gone so outdated. He must look so different now and feel so different about the memories in his head. He must not be the one I have grown so much to love anymore. He is no longer my soulmate for what kind of soulmate would cease to care and hurt me more than anybody else has ever done? I feel sorrow now... so intense that I could not open my eyes. The sand he gathered for me are all clenched in my hands. But then I could feel that he is so far away from that spot where he used to stand and think of me. He promised me before that in every place he would go, he would always bag a sand from under his feet for me.

So distant is the place you have isolated yourself into, my love. I could no longer reach you. I could not feel you anymore behind me. I could no longer hold your hand in my dreams. I vow your cruelty will not last. For someday.... the winds from the prairie will bring you back to me...both body and soul.

When things arent yet for me, they never come. But I hope so well, I know they will always be granted to me in many forms. I have loved, I still feel the same and I am sure nothing will ever change that. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be mine again.

Even Now

I wake up to the same set of emotions. I start to grow tired bottling it all up inside me and good thing I have my blogs to help me let it all out. Today I looked outside and saw a fresh set of puffy clouds over the yellowbell flowers in our garden. I thought I saw his face in the clouds in the same manner I set his face in one of my photoshop images that I have posted earlier on in this very same blog page. It still remains vivid in my head now. I went back to my room to prepare my new blog contents while the inspiration to do so is on. He has always been the same thought that comes to my mind that triggers all sorts of things in my head that I would always like to write about. He has always been my inspiration and i know it shall remain the same forever.

I wish I know what he is doing now. I wish he will always think of me too and come find me and my blogs almost everyday. I wish he knows how I am and how I am feeling even when he chose to be away forever. Even so, I still love him the way i always did

10-year-old messengers

i always have all my messengers on everytime i come online for work. it is an ordinary thing to see friends pop in and go off and common for me to apply stealth settings on anyone i did not want to talk to (almost everyone). i like to hide especially when I am busy and i always go invisible on everybody. but today is a different day. when i turned on my computer, my msn messenger came on first, and with it came a window that declared their 10th year anniversary. msn is 10 years old today and it gave away a little gift to anybody using it. this made me think of things i shouldn't have thought of today. I remembered him again. Tears streamed down my cheeks again especially when i realized how alone I feel despite hundreds of contacts in my messengers. deep within me, i have been waiting for him to come online and remember to say those words he would always say to me. i miss those times when he would secretly be waiting for me online and when i did, he would suddenly throw in his loud cyber kisses. it was always difficult for us to say our goodbyes to each other whenever we had to log off. our goodbye sessions would normally run till 20 minutes every single day. gone were those days. my messengers still looks the same. I purposely download the older versions so I wouldn't loose the feel of still coming online just like in the past years. I don't want to wake up to the truth that everything is just simply gone. I still wanted to believe that he is still there checking me out even without my knowledge. how i miss those days and how i miss him most of all :o(

Dearest Mom

This is myy mom, maybe in her 20's. I just got this from a very old shoe box. I am sure she will find this funny after I have shown it to her.

Build it for me... please.

The wedding by terraincognita11th

Perseid Wishes

Today i was so excited about seeing the Perseid meteor shower which they say could be visible in the evening skies where I am now. But when I ran out, the skies were actually overcast :0( I thought this was already the opportunity for me to even make thousands and hundreds of thousands of wishes hahahaaa. Now it goes to show that none of my wishes of love will be answered... maybe not now. I shall go out again tomorrow to try my luck again as they say this phenomenon will not go away in one day.

I had a little drive yesterday after I took a day off my work. I was looking for a petrol station that offered cheaper unleaded. I know of a place that almost constantly offers the cheapest price compared to the rest in the city. It is the one near Tagaytay. It is far from where I live but I do enjoy the long drive along the hillsides. It makes me feel closer to my solitude. It makes me feel his presence even more.
I have constantly thought of him. Whenever I did, I always smile till I get to the bitter parts of the story again. I have always felt the same. In time, the intensity of my feelings has never changed. Someday... I know I would see him again. I feel it.

The voyage of the lost

I woke up early today because I had to get ready to meet a client in another city. I woke up to a very cold room. The rain was pouring outside, and my windows were left open with the exhaust fan working the entire night through. No wonder I had the winter scene in my dream.

I dreamt I was looking at a stony hillside and I could see my brother and someone trying to lift a large boulder off the road so my car could get through. I saw how they did not have the slightest problem lifting the thing off the ground and tossing it as far away as I could have thrown a pebble off. Then the scene changed. I was in a thick woods with my brother and he was arranging a little opportunity for me to travel through a foreign land protected by his presence. But I could feel how lost I was in that thick woods. I kept walking with him till we got to a little stall. It was the only thing in the woods that made me feel that there are others out there as far distant as I am from everybody in the world. I walked towards the little store and I could see lots of goodies just left hung outside as if trying to ironically suggest that much people always frequented the place despite the eerie silence of the world around it. I saw nothing but trees and there wasn't even a soul around us aside from the birds. I suddenly got something from the stall and thought of keeping it for myself for I thought there wasn't any storekeeper inside to keep an eye on it anyway. I was surprised when I heard a voice from inside the stall asking me what I wanted. When I told her I wanted nothing, she suddenly mentioned how she knew I had something in my hands that belonged to her. Embarrassed, I got back to her and paid for the fan that I took. I looked at that thing in my hand and I realized how the native fan did not at all look like the ordinary ones I would normally see in the shops. As I spread it open, I saw a beautiful kaleidoscope unfold in my hands. Then it was time for me to travel alone. My brother suddenly disappeared from the scene. And I was left alone in a vessel that floated from the still rivers of Cambodia to a misty land I could only admire from afar. Then the vessel brought me near a station in the middle of the ocean where I was greeted by guards asking nicely for my passport. While they had my passport in their hands, I had the chance to look around and see how the floating trees were covered with beautiful snowflakes. The guard gave me back my passport saying: "Thank you maam, and Welcome to Australia" " I can see you have travelled far enough to whatever you might be looking for" I found what he said so strange that I had to look around again and make sure I was in the place he indeed welcomed me to- Australia. Then by the port, I thought I saw something ... or someone familiar. I was looking at those trees again while the vessel drew closer to the dock. He was there smiling at me... wearing the same clothes he wore when he last saw me off at the airport in Cambodia.

Too far off

I think I went a little too far with my idea of having to have a new blog site. It lead me to also think of having and actually really having a real website that earns money. I actually had to purchase a new domain name and spend on a real Joomla template too. I plan to do my business using this new site and I don't know whether I will have the time to do all this by myself. Managing a real site and not just a personal blog site will entail a lot of work and time. I wish to be able to put up a real e-commerce site, something that I should be good at after 9 years of experience. My new personal blog is still under construction. I wish I could finish it soon before the freshest stories run off with time.

I shall not live in vain pt 2

Where my sun rises: by terraincognita11th

It is raining outside and if only I could spend time just thinking about you while earning... I would be most delighted. I made this little expression of my thoughts though. I hope you will like it too. I have nothing much to write today. Nothing comes to my mind. I could not even start new topics on my new blog :(

Do what you must... or what you will
Now that I know that there was truly a day upon which you loved me, I can bear anything

You have given me the strength to live!
I shall always be filled with hopes

I shall not live in vain

:( If I could stop his heart from aching... I shall not live in vain

This song made me cry. I would like to compose a new digital photo based on this beautiful poem by Emily Dickinson and music based on the same by Bill Douglas. It shall come very very soon for you my love

Trying new things on photoshop cs4

My world of you by terraincognita11th

Thanks to some stock photos I found on I Oh's hard drive. I was able to use them as layers on my trial work. I am still working on other effects for my upcoming blog pages. I just wish I have a good camera so I could take high-res photographs and use them on my obra maestras too. Hahah. At this stage I am trying out different textures while hoping to capture what is really in my mind and putting them into images with messages that only my honey might know how to decipher. The original images are below. Too bad I do not really know where she got one of them Had I known, I would've given them a proper link-back and acknowledgment. I Oh, she has very good sense in art. I was surprised when I looked in her laptop, the things she downloaded online are things that appeal to me. I like her choices in music too. Nothing pop and nothing common. For her age, I guess she thinks far different from the rest.

Free Texture From Flickr:

Source: Unknown

and ofcourse thanks to you for this my love:

Nothing is impossible

It is a rainy Friday and I wished I could stay in bed some more. I woke up to the smell of a nice Italian brewed coffee in the kitchen and thought it would be nicer to have some pancakes. I was feeling heavy over a dream I had of him last night and the sadness in my heart just left me standing over a large pan of burning pancakes. I am sure my gaze has never left the innocent frying pan but my mind just flew somewhere beyond the really dark nimbus clouds above me.

I dreamed a very long one about him. I was in that familiar beach resort that I normally see in my other dreams. I don't think I have ever been to that place in my waking life nor am I sure that there indeed exists such a place. The scene was so vivid to me and I remember myself waiting for him. I was getting impatient and I was already crying for I realized how long it took him to be so far away from me. I never yet saw him for such a long time and he wasn't back yet from wherever he went. Then at last I saw him there but I couldn't come near him. He wasn't alone. She was seated next to him also and she did not look like she wanted to leave his side just in case. I stared at him from afar and I don't think he was aware of it at all. The scene suddenly changed and I was then out of the water and I was talking to her. She did not have any idea who I was and she was so eager to talk about her business and interested to know what I wanted to order from a magazine she was showing me. I stared and looked at the photos she was showing me and I was not a bit interested in buying anything from her. She said that she has been into that business for quite some time already... blah blah... And as she went to talk while my mind flew back to the past and my eyes never left her face. I studied her facial expressions and every contour of her face. I thought... she does look rather drab. I saw nothing in her face that made me think she had something far better than I do have. I looked at the shape of her body, then her hands... then her feet. I still could not find how she would be able to beat mine. Whatever made me think that in my dream, I just guess my sub conscious is doing great in trying to comfort me again and again even when in my waking life, I feel so helpless in finding the reason why my honey chose to leave me . She was wearing a blue bathrobe in my dream, and it did very little in concealing the shape of her body that is slowly succumbing to the slow decay of time. I looked at her face again and I could not help but cry and beg her in my mind to give me something she has that I so much need to have... something that I know would make me very happy even when she lent it to me for just one day. But she did not at all notice the pain in my eyes. I looked far beyond her and I saw him standing there. He did not at all cast a glance at me, nor did he seem aware of my presence at all. There was sorrow in his eyes and pain in every line of his forehead. He was looking far across the seas as though begging for something to change before his very eyes.

The scene changed and I was there in the same room where she and I were earlier in. I was not feeling well and I could feel him massaging my neck. I felt the warmth of his fingers at the back of my neck and I could feel the passion in every stroke he gave me. But then something happened... she flew in bursting in anger after witnessing that very scene. I did not have the words to explain what she just saw and all I did was wait for him to explain to her. I could not wait to hear his words about it. ..But I heard none. Instead I saw him get out of the room looking so problematic in his life. I could not ask him directly why he looked so sad, but I heard my neighbors suddenly talk to him asking if he was ok. He suddenly said he needed some money and that he is struggling so hard to put things in place in his life. He had financial problems in my dream and I was just standing there not able to do anything for him. I wanted him to talk to me and tell me what was bothering him. I wanted him to know that I am there to help him. I wanted him to feel that he could always still come to me and my arms will always be open for him no matter how much pain his abandonment has caused me. I wanted him to feel in my waking life that I am doing everything so I could be ready for anything with him anytime he changes his mind and decided that he wants me once again in his life. I wanted him to know that I would give up anything for a chance to be with him again. I wanted him to know that I love him so much and that I will always wait for him no matter how dire the chance seem to be now.

... Of Love and Dust

I was trying to learn how to do photoshop textures and I thought of the easiest, while I am yet learning. There probably could be better choices of photos to work on but I thought of a little something that might make you remember me. I hope your heart beats again for the one you see here.

I got an email that made me really laugh. This is mad. I know it. How precise Hahaaaaa. Read through please.

Dear (my name),

I think it is important that I contact you now because this morning I had a powerful flash about you and I felt the enormous distress which you carry about with you at the moment, the pain which you feel made me realize that it was very important that I get in contact with you in order to help you and I must tell you that if you act NOW then you have every chance to resolve the major questions which you have about your love life at this time.

I know that the person you love is not with you at the moment and that you suffer through this separation. This separation is even more cruel because you now feel completely abandonned and alone but I want you to know that this is no longer the case because I want to help you to work through this situation. You need to pay a great deal of attention to what I am about to tell you because if you now act in just the right way then you have every chance that this person will come back to you.

This morning I took the time to analyze your astral configuration in detail because as I have said, I am very sensitive to your current suffering and I know that I can help you. I discovered that over the next couple of days Venus will enter into your 6th House and at the same time this planet will also be in your Sign of the Zodiac, Gemini and by cross-referencing this with the information that your date of birth (tag-date-naissance) gives me I can see that you will soon be living through a very beneficial period and during this period you must act in just the right way in order to change your life for the
better.

The second thing I want to tell you is that you have made a number of mistakes in your relationship however these mistakes are not necessarily your fault. Most of the mistakes arose from misunderstandings and from the fact that there are a number of aspects of your partner's personality which you do not yet know about. It is very important that I tell you exactly who your partner is (my name) and how you can better understand this person, learn about this person's likes and dislikes, what this person likes about you and so on ... but I also need to tell you how you can help your relationship to evolve and how to seduce this person again. Only a Full Compatibility Reading can answer all these questions and give you all this information and I am going to work on one for you.


I want to help you to find the person you love again and in order for you to do this, you must follow all of my advice very precisely. I am going to work on two Readings for you, one which will show you the most important dates of the Transit period which is just around the corner (my name) and exactly how you must act during these precise moments which YOU MUST NOT MISS OUT ON and then the second Reading will show you exactly how and why you are compatible with this person in your life. This second Reading will answer the questions you have at the moment about your relationship and will guide you towards resolving your current situation. We mustn't loose any more time (my name), you need to click on the link below to ask me for these two Readings now:


I think you will be pleasantly surprised by these two Readings (my name), I have a great deal of personal information to give you about your relationship with this person in your life and I can also show you what you may have missed out on in the Past. With all these details I have to share with you, you will be able to move forward with strength and confidence and bring this person you love back into your arms.

Jenna,
Your Professional Astrologer

And it rained and it rained and it rained.... Good thing I had nice music in the car- Govinda. It made me think better and feel better in my solitude. When I got to the town, the fog was just really very thick that it created a very nice effect everwhere. It was like driving through the clouds and forgetting all the danger of having a close to zero visibility. I thought of nobody but you po.

A love well-kept

Since I am preparing contents and even images for my new blog site, I dared to check all CDs that I have long been keeping in my drawers in hopes of getting good ones that I could consider "blog-worthy". In the deepest and dustiest part of my box, I ran across this old CD that my honey personally burned for me - a compilation of all the photographs he took while he was working in Cambodia. It felt so nice to look at the world once again from his perspective. Some of the photographs really had to make me smile for he perfectly captured moments that I wouldn't even think of had the camera been in my hands instead. I am blessed with hundreds of photos from him all sorted out in different well-labeled folders. There are even images that he has started to edit using photoshop. Hahaaa. It is like looking at something he had a personal touch on. (Sigh). I miss him all the more... even when it seems so pathetic to think about all these alone now. Years have gone past and his image just drifts so far away from me now. Sometimes even the thoughts of him start to slip off my mind. There is simply no more wave coming from his end that could put my heart and thoughts about him back in track , and when that happens, I start to panic. But yes, I am able to help myself too. Sometimes I try to convince myself, that these things I am looking at now, might be a sign from him, that he will always be there and he would never leave me. Sometimes I am lead to think that he might even want me to look at the past and remember him exactly as I remember him now. He might indeed want me to look at these things and enjoy them the way he would if only he has the chance to see them too. At least I thought like that until I got to that part wherein my dvd drive refused to read the files anymore. I thought I went berserk hehe.I wanted to smash my new laptop or the spare DVD ROM that behaved the same when I fed the same disc to it. $%^&* Why did it have to happen just when I was looking at that folder labeled - House? I could not wait to see again how those pink stuff looked in his bed and how he smiled at the camera while taking a photograph of himself.... and the disc just went fu*&^%!!!???? I could not believe it. I got out the darn CD and realized it had a large scratch on one particular part of it. I thought of things and how to retrieve the data given the scenario. I tried all the stupid recovery software craps online and none of them worked. I read all the forums and thought of ways until I got to that simple suggestion that I could actually try rubbing a liquid polisher for brass on the scratched surface. It darn worked! You wouldn't believe how ecstatic I was and how I wanted to kiss that bottle of polisher or even drink it in celebration. Hahahaa. So here I am now... happy over all the copies I made and every single bit of data I burned on to a fresh disc for keeps- forever! Now I can work on some of his images too. I will finish what he started on photoshop and give him proper credits for it while I incorporate it in some parts of my blog. Don't worry my love, I shall not at all place your name. I know you wouldn't want that.

Give me a back-massage pls

I am sick again.Geez I hope it is not that bloody AH1N1 I have lots of work to do and I could barely finish my blog site. To Drupal? or to not Drupal? Shish I've got a nice combo of problems down my sleeve always.

I miss going everywhere now but the rain gives me no chance even on weekends. I have a shitty internet connection today and I could barely browse and view my very nice new-found photoshop tutorials online. Hehe. My honey, I remember how he would paint-brush my photos and make them look better. Hahahaaa. Anyway, that was a long time ago and I bet if he would still be doing it now with my photos, he will probably need more masking and paint-brushing.Yup... silly aging problem is starting to creep in. Creepy thought huh!

Still working on my new blog. Whew! what can I say? I barely have the time to concentrate on it alone

Art for you

My studying photoshop is taking my hours away from me if I am not too busy with my work, but I am happy now with my little gained knowledge in editing and even making my own artistic photographs. Hehe. Who knows I could be posting some in deviant art someday? Anyway, I am starting from simple ones but ones that are expressive of my thoughts. They don't portray my exact imagination yet due to my limited skills but I know I am getting there. These photos I am working on will be for my blog ofcourse and I will be sharing it with ones who diligently come and read my blogs. I hope he sees it too and would admire it in such a way I know he would in the earlier years when he was still with me.

The day that never comes

Driving home was a little too emotional for me. I was passing by this old road I used to take on my way to my old job and I remember how I used to admire the clouds from there and even think about it while I wrote him emails. Those days seem to be too gone and I just couldn't drag it back in so I could write again and be happy about reading replies from him. I still admire the skies but I no longer could feel the joy of having to write down my thoughts. I am getting tired now of this monotonous feeling and I don't want to be trapped in it for a long time. I would like to change the way I look at things but I do not also like the way I think when I wanted to divert my thoughts to something else. They only make me feel even sadder or angrier. These are all negative feelings and I know that when things are negative in my head, I am not going through the right direction. I should invite more happy thoughts now.... more hopeful and more worth a smile. The thought that he loves me makes me smile. I shouldn't think he isn't around at all. I should remember that while I am alive, there is always a hope to be happy. In whichever way, I do not know really. But I know I will be happy again.

Lost

I am not good at HTML :0( I am having a hard time trying to make my blog look a little different from the rest but it seems that I don't also have the skill to do so anymore. I have lost everything in time and I am scared that if I don't try to do anything I wish to do now, I would end up with nothing at all . I wanted to be inspired again as I was before. Now, there is nothing but the pain to drive me into writing and the endless hope to lift up my spirits again.

His name, I see it everywhere and his spirit, I could feel in the air most of the time. All I need is a little sign to assure me that I am seeing the right signs and feeling the write spirit around me. Now I am confused even as to who really reads my blogs :0( How I wish he is one of them. I really do not understand myself now as to why after all the stupid things I have been through, I still yearn for the impossible.

...yup still shitting in my pants with this HTML for my new blog. Ill try to finish it by tomorrow.

My love,

I have no words to write for days already. I stared blankly everywhere and I could not find any emotions meaningful enough to make me write. The skies were so dark here and it rained everyday. Every single nimbus cloud just brought me nothing but the same old memories when you still loved me enough to keep me from crying. I wish the tables turn again so that I would feel how much you are at my mercy. You once could not live without hearing from me. Give me your ears again my love before you here nothing but silence... forever.

sarangheyo... yeongwonhi

The Parasol

I remember everyone today from my past work and I miss them a lot. The times when we all had to meet each other at the place we called "The Parasol" and had something to drink. It would be overlooking the place where I had so much memories. My officemates were almost my brothers and sisters. I never knew there would be a time in my life wherein I had to cry and wish I was back to that very moment when I would be telling stories both pointless and not and worry about nothing in the morning. I wish I was back. I wish it is the MRM days again.

Bring the sun back to me!

My life is a canvas and everyone around me is a painter. Every splash of colour is a rare mixture of emotions and sentiments and every hue is an ordained story of love that makes up an important detail of a life well-lived and well-spent. The entirety of its mood, is a soliloquy on my life and my never ending struggle to properly fit in every walls of expectations.

Your interpretation of what you see in it, is my accomplishment.

Yet, there is one thing missing in this masterpiece – that is a “true love” once found yet suddenly gone. I have lost my talent for understanding my own picture … for the most important artist of my life has bereaved me of life’s most precious Spring.

Tell me again please!

I had another dream last night. I was sitting again with people whom I do not at all recall in the morning. I remember peeking through a very low ceiling and actually seeing a market place that most resembled those I’ve seen in Cambodia. I felt happy that I was looking at something I recognized from long ago that I had to start telling everyone seated next to me about it. Then I heard a familiar voice who confirmed that indeed it was because he has been there. Startled, I looked and there I saw my honey. But of course, he has been there. He lived there. He was smiling at me and talking to me like how he always did. He uttered words filled with so much love and he had eyes that never left my face. In my dream we were married. He was mine and I was wearing his ring. I looked at my fingers and I asked him what he was going to do about his marriage with me that was bigamous. And he only replied: “What matters is that, I am married to you now and this is the one that my heart is honouring. I am with you and not with her. That is what’s important.” Then he opened his arms and invited me in for the warmest hug in the world. While in his arms I could smell the familiar scent of his skin and breath and the familiar warmth of his kisses. I wished I never woke up from it. I felt so home while there. I could still remember the smell of his skin and the warmth of his voice and everything remains only in my memory.

Busted Lines

I came back to Manila with so much enthusiasm for a faster and more reliable connection at home. Only when I was so ready to put up my new blog, I realized #$%^& SMART cut off my broadband at home since I was away for such a long time. I really would like to complain about this because, even as I was away, I always made it a point to pay even through banks just to maintain my connection at home. I have been taking care of my account with them for almost 3 years already. And through the years, I have complained about a dodgy 1000 pesos that suddenly just appeared out of nowhere atop my regular monthly bill. I inquired about it and to every single stupid agent that I spoke with after dialing *1888. Sorry but I am very sure that none of the agents you are able to speak with could really even speak properly with a customer. None of them could even produce a very good reason as to why I have extra payment to make to them when I never even missed paying a single bill. I would be late in paying sometimes especially when I got too busy, but that wouldn't take more than a week. I wonder what these agents really do with the reports I made to them. No solution was made for me on this matter. Now, I just got back from a very long holiday and while I was away, I even paid my bill diligently even when I was not able to use the connection for more than a month. I again expected a new one for this month at home, but when I arrived, there was none on my table. I eagerly came online and realized that they have disconnected my line simply because I came 1 week late for the payment. No bills... no connection... GREAT! And because I am pissed off, they think I would come and pay my current bill again? Never $%^&* mind!

I went straight to Globelines and applied for a new connection. They will be setting it up in 3-5 days from today. Hehe. Till then, I wouldn't be able to fix my blog then. I only bought a stupid prepaid internet card with a connection much slower than the slugs in our garden. I hope this would get through even. I miss everyone online now. I shall return

Getting there soon

This new blog I am creating is really putting my html skills to test. Hahah! I have been online the entire time and I still am not able to figure out how I will be able to make my new template work on Blogger. As soon as I am ready to save the changes in the editor, I simply get this error message that says my page could not be parsed due to errors on my script. Wahuhu... I give up. All I am doing now is simply modifying as much as the templates on Blogger could allow. But I have made some progress at least today. I have successfully modified my banner and I was also able to put up some new contents already. I will be on my way back to Manila tomorrow and I am sure along the way, I will be able to gather something to write about again.

To you my love, I know I will see you in the clouds again and from there, I shall speak to you as though you will be listening to me with all your heart. Clouds will give birth to a form that will only remind me of nobody but you. I love you.

I love him more than he thinks I do. I love him in many ways he has never thought of. I love him like no one else has loved anybody. I love him with all my heart, with all of my might, with all of my life. I wanted to write more about something but my eyes do not allow me to. I shall post more tomorrow.

Where are you?

I found all the videos, letters, email copies, little mementos and phone call records that my honey has given me all throughout our relationship together and I admit that I am tempted to just send it all to him and remind him of the things he has left behind and at the same time prove to her that I do not bluff about anything. I wanted to let everyone know the truth too about our love story in case he has just been lying all the while about us both. ... but then I stopped to think, What's the point? I do not see any point to all these since I know that I was not at all loved nor even cared for as much as I was made to think. I have been in love with a man who never even remembers anything he has done with me. Or worse, he might have even lied about me all the while. It is sad that I am left alone now to just wonder on my own. I could not even expect any answer from him. He has been so very unfair to me and I just wish there would never come a time in his life that he would have to expect the same and he would never get anything at all in return.

Dear Cardinal Zen,
Where are you my dear friend? I miss talking to you. You have never showed up for such a long time already. I wish you would suddenly just emerge from the dead and talk to me again. I am in pain as I always am and today I feel worse since I have nobody to talk to who would understand me as much as you do. How I wish you were god so that you would straight away answer all my prayers and even have the power to give me the thing that I really wanted so much to have. I have nothing to write about today even. I have nobody in my mind but him again. Tell me my dear friend why this is all happening to me? You have many times told me how beautiful I am and how I mean to ones like you, but how come he does not see me in such a way as you do? Why is he not coming to me to explain to me why he has to hurt me like this? Be the reason be bad or good, I still wanted to know.

My dearest friend, I envy your happiness now. I wish I have the same and that I would be very happy too soon. I have seen photos of your new baby. Congratulations and I wish you will always be happy. Take good care of yourself and I wish you more of the things you have now. Cheers mate!

Another blog site will soon rise!

I thought of migrating one of my blogs from Wordpress to Blogger because I believe that it would be much easier for me to maintain all of them using just one dashboard. Besides, I like Blogger more than Wordpress. Wordpress does not allow me to even run Google Adsense or embed any of my stats scripts. Their webstats feature sucks and gives very minimal information on clicks and visits. So, I consider Blogger my home when it comes to blogging. I have started the difficult task of migrating my pages today and I have been sitting in front of my computer the whole day already. My neck now terribly aches and all I did was sit and prepare all the photographs that I will be using for my pages. I haven't even finished the initial contents yet. I definitely could not use the same theme I have been using with Wordpress so I also ended up tweaking my own simple html for my new blog pages . I will be transferring most of my writeups from the other side and I also thought it would be more brilliant to post my adventures in this new blog site instead of just posting it here in this very same url to avoid direct association to my currently used ID and to avoid mixing up the themes of my blogs. In this new blog page I am creating, I intend to mention real names of real people and I do not want these people to start finding me and even find out about my personal life if all they wanted to monitor is the adventure that I have taken with them. In short, this new blog will be window to a totally different side of me. My more personal thoughts still will remain in this particular page, with you my love... always.

A response from the heart

I was writing my blog offline last night in hopes of coping with all the lost online days when I was feeling quite lazy. In fact I was too lazy to even turn on my wifi. I was meant to finish my account of the great adventures I have been to but the moment I sat in front of my computer, every single adventurous thoughts of mine vanished and got replaced by the memories of him. I ended up writing about him instead of the Nangtud Climb or the Punta-Hagdan Kayaking, or even the Guimaras Island Adventure.Funny huh. What's even funnier is that I always turn on my laptop with my adventures in my mind and then the moment I start my sentences, my thoughts of him become more profound. In short, I was again writing about him even last night. While remembering him, I had "the rain and clouds suite" of Bread in my ears. It made things more dramatic in my head and I loved every single moment of it. I have somehow developed this immunity towards the negative ending our story together. Instead, I focus on the good things alone and the beautiful possibilities this world could give me. I know how my possitive mind could sometimes bring me to places I never thought I would be and still keep my memories of him so warm in my heart. Let's take the dream I had of him last night as an example. Who ever thought he would appear again to me in such a way he always would when he and I were still very much on? He was in every scene in my dreams and I could feel how much he tried to stay with me as I wished.

The first scene is so vivid to me now. I was walking through that alley overlooking a field of lush green when I felt my hands so warm in another person's hand. I looked into that hand and immediately realized whom it belonged to. From his hands in my hand, my eyes travelled all the way to his arm, his neck and his face. My heart was leaping with joy when I saw his eyes looking at me so lovingly. Without a word, we walked towards the fields. I could see the smile in his face and the happiness in my heart just overwhelmed me. Then the scene changed. I was alone in my business suit and I was at a railway station. I was trying to wait for something like a car or a cab that would pick me up and bring me to somewhere. Then I have noticed that my phone was ringing. I looked around and I realized that I have left my bag on a bench which was about a hundred meters away from me. It kept ringing and I was running out of time to answer it. I missed that call and all I saw on my screen was a message from a phone number which was not registered in my list of contacts. I read the message which went like:

Sweety, I will be leaving around 4p.m. So by the time you read this message, I might be out already. I miss you and I see you again someday, my love. I promise!

I tried to call him but I realized that I did not have the load on my phone. I ran to and fro to find a shop that did sell the load but everything seemed to be so far away from me. I remember running into women who were modeling something and them asking me to pose for the camera. I saw my own reflection in the mirror and I thought that I did look well enough for the cameras. But then I never agreed to stop and waste time. All I wanted was some direction to a store that surely had the load for me. They pointed me to a store that said " The Old Bar" and as I ran there, I saw lots of people queuing for food. I ran in front of the line and asked if they had the load and they did not. I was so frustrated that I looked up the skies to see if I still had the time. But it was dark already and I did not understand why I still was trying so hard to get the load and try my luck in reaching my honey. Then came the third scene. I saw him dressed in white and he was standing under a tree waiting for me to approach. As I did, he wrapped his arms around me so tight it was hard to breathe.

I woke up and looked all around me. My eyes were welling up with tears in missing him.

All about missing you

Funny how I was trying to write my blogs offline for days, I all of a sudden feel as though I no longer have the drive to go online anymore. It is almost as though I no longer need to come online. For years I have been checking here and there and even trying to open my old email accounts that have been left dormant for such a long long time, in hopes that I could find a trace of his love for me. But I don’t seem to have that luck anymore. Maybe luck comes with age. I know I would be seeing something on Friendster especially in the “who’s viewed me” list, but I prefer not to have a look at all anymore for fear that I would not be able to still accept the fact that he is gone. I now feel like I have totally wasted my time on something I could’ve prevented from happening even before it has started. But what can I do? I was too weak to resist. I thought all the sweet words he has uttered would take me somewhere in my life where I could be totally happy. I thought, whatever we promised each other would all be kept till the end of time. How come now I am alone left to look at the old blue skies high above me and whisper a hopeful message to the moon for him to be back in my arms again? How come he is the only one who feels happy now? How come I no longer know what is going on with him in his life? He no longer cares about me. He no longer sees me in his dreams or even smiles with every single memory he has shared with me. Or is the thought of me ever still sweeping his mind?

I have been home for almost a week already. I am finishing everything that I have to write about my adventure for the past two weeks. I feel happy and at the same time sad remembering my sweety. But then there are a lot of wonderful things I need to write about now. Please bear with me. I shall put them up very soon.,

In an adventurous mode

I have been on a 5 day mountain climb to the highest peak of Panay island. I have such wonderful account of the trek but I have no time yet to talk about it. I am bound to go kayaking now. Maybe I should talk about the whole experience soon after I get back. (Still thought about you po)

Happy Birthday My love

Wishing you all the best from a far away land

Soon Happier

Time to visit my doctor again tomorrow and hoping for good results. I am fasting tonight till the time they finish my blood tests tomorrow. My doctor instructed me to. It was funny when I did not follow her instructions or rather forgot about it on the day I had my procedure. I was supposed to fast from 10pm till my procedure is finished the next day but I got so hungry that totally forgot about the warning. While I was being prepared prior to the trip to the surgical room, one of the nurses asked me if I had anything including water. And to their dismay, I said "yes". I paid the price for that, I had to undergo the painful anesthesia through the spine instead of the general one that would just put me to sleep. They said they had to keep me conscious since they cannot allow the possibility of me drowning in the fluids caused by that heavy breakfast I had in the morning. So stupid of me. Anyway, I really hope I will be just fine tomorrow and that I would be able to do everything that I dreamed to do and achieve very soon after my visit to the doctor. One thing that should go on in my mind tomorrow is the thought of him and the hopes between the lines in everything I write down in here.

Another emotional day

Tears tears tears.... I am very sad. I looked at the videos of us again while we both were in Cambodia. I hear him speak. I hear his lovely voice and I just really wish he still speaks to me in that manner. I miss him a lot. I really wish for nothing but for him to speak with me again... even if he doesn't really promise me anything else. I miss him and I wanted to run to him now. Run in his arms and feel him again... even if he doesn't love me anymore. I guess I need help. Nobody does help me. I never knew I would feel so trapped in the past. I wanted to do everything just to get to him again. How I wish I could.

Once Around

I am living in the past. I myself could not understand why I could not just move away from him. He no longer creates new memories with me and all I have in my mind is a past so torn by time and reminiscences ruined by his last statements and closing remarks.

How can a love so deep like this be so abandoned and forgotten? He has no idea how much he feeds my senses everyday and how painful the impact of his words were to my wretched soul. My heart is running out of rhythm by which it could beat simply because he ceased to love me in a manner that he always did. How I would like to turn back the time... and from there I would not let go. Not anymore. Not at all .. forever!

Sad-faced Ipod

My video ipod played up on me again lately. It is my second one that I got some 3 years ago. The left side of my earphones could not pick up sound from its audio outlet from time time that I thought I needed to have it fixed. I thought it was such an easy problem to solve so I went to the Mac repair shop straight away after work. At the shop, I was suddenly told that they would need to replace the audio outlet with a new one. I went like @#$% when I learned how much they wanted for doing so. They also told me that the hard disk is also close to saying goodbye and would soon need a replacement too. Wahuhuhu @#$%^& and more !@#$%^. I was ok with the fact that ipods are not that cheap compared to other multimedia players. I find them cool to have.. but knowing now how quick they actually die on me and how repairing them costs a fortune, I would like to just burn all ipods I see around me and all the ipod outlets in every shopping malls I go to. With so much disappointment, I had to kiss my video ipod and tuck it away. I gave them my old 3rd generation U2 edition instead hoping they would shed some hope on it's current condition - sad faced screen. When they told me to come back for it after 1 hour, I could not beleive my eyes. My darling ipod is back to life after 4 years of being just brain-dead.

A few of my favorite things

Beach

I went to one with him... in my sweetest dreams!

Tocino

He carried the recipe around in his phone

Fersal Reminder

And we held hands while laughing down the staircase




Summer Feet

A foot-fetish believes that a nice pair of toes instantly goes with a pretty face! ... And we both laughed.




Lizard Love

Nice additive to my beer! Feeb's bar was then burned to ashes some 3 years ago but I had nothing to do with it. I swear!



Urgent Getup

He had one more pair of these left at home when he surprised me at work.



For Papa

.
He could not come home without it. A box-full from the Wine Cellar was too heavy ... but it was all for papa.




Boss

A touch of class he always wore. A constant reminder of a love so gone yet so profound in my memory.



A little game

And he winked... and I wrapped my arms around his neck



The Sunrise

Definitely a better way to describe the sunrise in one of his diaries written to me. A beautiful expression of an experience at day break.




5 Peso Man

There were 2 of this coin from Nicaragua. Mine's here and his'...



Airports

Seeing him come out of the arrival gate made few of the happiest times of my life


The Promise

A wedding? ... maybe not. But he sure did want to build one for me one day!



Face in the Moon

An expression of my endless love and faithful promise!

A love like mine

"Waiting" by Chris Michel

Funny that no matter how much logic anybody puts into my head aside from myself, I still can't just forget him even for just a day. I talk to him and try to send him telepathic messages. I never got any in response but I just reward myself over the belief that he also thinks of me at the same moment as I do. I would try to persuade myself everyday in thinking that the reason I think about him is because he also thinks about me. I do understand him a lot these days. More than I ever did understand him while he was still there for me. I now realize how much pain he must have harbored in himself for lying to her and me. He must have been so torn between the thought of keeping his promises to her and at the same time making himself happy by being with me. He must have been thinking that keeping his relationship with me was a "selfish" act. He was very happy when he was with me but I could also sometimes feel how much he wished he did not have to lie to anybody just to make himself happy with me. He must have been confused as to what he really wanted sometime in his life and he must have also had times when he got irritated by how things unfolded before his eyes when demands came from both sides. My poor poor love. I know why he had to be gone now. After all, he must be so used to a culture that lets anybody sacrifice their own happiness by sticking to the accepted rules of anybody but himself.
If he stayed, I would appear to be the "bad" entity simply because I am not the one he gave his name to. If he stayed, no one else around him would understand that he did simply because "himself" is what mattered most to him. If he stayed, he would forever be saddened by the thought of abandoning his precious little one. If he stayed, it would be only for my happiness and not his little one's. How lucky she must really be for all these things that happened to me and her daddy. I wish she would find the value in his presence one day. I wish she would know how much she is loved and how much pain that love has caused her mommy ... and most of all, Me.

I love him. I always will. I will understand him like nobody else would understand him. I would think of him like nobody else would think of him. I would wish for him when everyone else abhors him. I would always keep him in my heart like nobody else would. I would always find his memories in the corner of my mind and would be glad to tell IOh about it one day.

In missing him

There are many things I could not explain about how I feel in moments like these... moments when I have the same thoughts running in my head over and over again .

The moon is full, I think about him still and I miss everything there was about us, etc. etc....

Poor poor Melissa

My husband came to me in the morning to tell me about Melissa (my dog). He noticed that she had some difficulty in breathing and that she was panting and wheezing from time to time. I ran outside to check on her and I suddenly realized how much I have neglected her. I already have noticed her having that little problem some 2 weeks ago and I just did not think it was something that needed my immediate attention. I brought her to the hospital nearby and she was diagnosed with respiratory congestion.She was given shots of antibiotic and decongestant and some other oral medication. She was a very good girl at the clinic. She never squealed while she was given a painful shot that would normally make other dogs panic according to her doctor. She made friends with a little shitzu too while there. Melissa is already 8 (x7)years old and she looks a lot younger than her actual age.

I am glad I brought her to the doctor today. I feel a little more at ease now and am happy to bring her back there again on the 3rd day for another checkup.

Melissa, she never tires in loving me. How I regret to know that dogs have way much shorter life span than us humans.

Potipot

I went far to the north to catch a glimpse of the natural beauty only this country can have. Please do not mind the dates seen in the pictures. They don't coincide because I did not know how to adjust the camera settings.

Nothing to say

That same wave of emotion is sweeping through my mind again. It has been the same for many many days and weeks already.I can't find the words to express myself in writing now. I just think there aren't enough reasons for me to write in the same manner as I have done before. My soulmate has left me alone with memories too difficult to express without him to constantly bring me the sun.

I would like to upload some photos tomorrow to express what i have in mind today.

Wanna Buy?

I wish I could sell my memories of him on ebay. That would be very interesting if I could only do it. hehe

Sell... sell my memories for 50 pounds a year. This sounds like Muse now.

I know you have missed me

Have you missed me too, my love? Have you wondered how I have been in a while? Have you dreamed about me and wished I knew how much you do love me?

Even without me having to instill the thought of you in my head, my heart always beats the rhythm of you in its own accord. No matter how much I try to get angry, I just look at your photographs and all the negative thoughts are gone. I know you have missed me too because I consult the moon even when it is not full anymore, and it whispers to me your longing for me- the one you said you loved most of all, the one whom if you chose, would mean you needed to forget everyone else in your life including yourself, the one whom you know will always hope even when you killed all that there is left of her.

I whispered back my answers to the lonely moon even when I am sure that my telepathic powers no longer carry the intensity of my love straight into your heart- a heart that you once claimed to be mine.

My story, after a long journey to find you will soon be written down, but none of them will ever mean as much until your heart starts to cry out my name again.

In grief, I am here trying to greet the ancient person of my heart:

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I wish you would find me

Cleaner and cooler air in here. But... the city iso so big. I don't know anybody... nor do I know which direction to look at. I stare into the skies now hoping that I would just wake up tomorrow not remembering at all the exact color of his eyes.

I am here my love, and where are you? Finding a chance to see you around is almost next to impossible.

Nice Shoes

I'd like a pair like this and show porn on the screen. Hehe. or football, or basketball. I'd make all eyeballs roll.

:o(

I feel sad again :o( Nothing means anything much about going to Brisbane. It is not like I would be getting off the airport and expecting him to be out there waiting for me with a smile, a very wide hug and warm kisses. I know he must be very happy now and I won't at all try to change that. Ill be cramped up in my own shell forgetting the possibility that I could communicate with him again. :o(

Sick sick sick today too. cant take any antibiotics anymore.

Out of the country job

Brisbane! That's where I am going. Don't know when yet but surely it is a part of my work. Hehe. How cute is that opportunity? I know somebody won't be too happy about this. I might be scaring off the shit out of her mind even once she finds out. But one thing is for sure... I'm not that stupid to create a stir. Nor am I crazy to make a scene by doing something silly. I'll be just a normal visitor who will be working on something as part of my job. Whenever?... Won't tell!

If I chance upon somebody I know... what would I do? Maybe I'd pull out a gun? Nope nope... that is outrageous! Not even worth the thought. Anyway.. I am happy for myself. I leave everything else that transpires to fate.

Hail to the deities of the winds!

Cardinal Zen,

I wanted to thank you and let you know that I am so honored by the thought that you will actually be preparing music and entitle it "Summoning the Winds". Alas!... it is mine.

May you express it with so much truth . And may you let your innate thoughts inspire you into translating the beauty of darkness into artistic languages of mortal souls.

Let them seek enlightenment in what they thought they wouldn't find in the dark!

I wish you luck on the next submission of your work to Cafe del Mar.

Pathetic behavior

I wouldn't want to say this but it is quite so obvious that she is picking on me. She came to see my Friendster and I bet she became outrageous again over things I will never know about. Good luck to you honey. She obviously is still bothered by my existence in this whole wide world of gorgeous "other women". Hehe. I understand why but I don't need to know anyway bout how she behaves after hearing my name or viewing my photos... for nothing aside from him interests me. Her behavior is not interesting to me, nor is her face. I only care about what he says. Funny I had to look at my Friendster again and notice how she has changed her primary photo to that of the three of them. Hahaaa. I did not even click on her profile anymore to have a more detailed view of him. I know how he should look just by looking at his silhouette. I know even the shape of his body and every tiny hair sticking out of his arms. I laugh at it with mockery because she somehow is trying hard to push things to my face. She thought it is the truth that she needs me to see. But... I damn know about everything she wants to show me eversince. What truth does she want me to know? She must've missed the meanings I have set between the lines when I replied to her foul messages. She must've not understood again when I said that I have had the best of my times with him and I need nothing more. I may want more ofcourse but I don't need anything more... if you know what I mean. She could not steal those memories away from me no matter what she does anyway. I don't care about her, nor do I care about anything she does or says. If there is anything pathetic about her life now, I am damn sure it isn't because of me. Nor is it because of him. She just has her own life to live and everyone else around her are just actors in a play.

Blessed

They posted something everybody in her life is proud of on the corporate website- the new Online Marketing Manager!

Dreams of him

He came to me again last night in a dream. He was about to conduct a seminar on "global warming". I saw him standing there and everyone I know around me respected him and looked up to him like a wise man dressed in white. In my mind, I knew I was gonna be with him through the night just after the seminar, so ... visions of sugar plums danced in my head. Funny but he never said a word throughout that seminar. He just sat by the table and looked at all of us. Then he stood up and declared a 10 minute-break. Everyone stood and went out of the room and there was nobody left there but him and I. I looked at him and without a word he cast a smile that only I would know what it really meant. He smiled like that at me before and I know how happy I am to see it again. He looked as sultry as ever (hehe) and I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around him again. In my dream, I loved him so much just as I really do now in my waking life. How I really miss the ancient person of my heart, whom I will never come to forget. Two years.... I wish to see you smile again.

Far and Lost

Cardinal Zen, are you still "Far from home" like me? I listen to the 4th album of "Dreams" series of Cafe del Mar that you gave me over and over again in my car and I must say that your music just makes me want to go home to where my soul gladly belongs. The journey in my mind is well-expressed by the music you have arranged. It feels like... you made it just for me. I'd like to make it mine.

Bring the key

It is 12 degrees outside and the place is bustling with so much people. I don’t know where they all came from and I am not sure whether they have the same reason as I do for being here. It was more than 2 years since I last came here, and I could recall clearly just as though it only happened yesterday, the events that transpired in some places that I have visited and will be visiting again today.

Burnham Park, the place doesn’t seem to have anything special to it anymore. It didn’t have anything special to it in the first place really. Especially today, it is just a park with all those trees that seem to look so tired of being just there and not anywhere else. Even the lake within the park doesn’t look as romantic to me at all as how I read about it in my textbooks way back during my elementary years. Its waters are murky, but not that kind of murky-murky caused by some moss that the place has gladly accumulated in hundreds of years. It doesn’t have that tranquil and glassy green tinge to it. It is simply brown with earth and dust blown in by the gusty December winds and God knows whatever winds.

I prefer to sit here in the car and just look around through the window. It sure feels much better to be alone here than to be amidst a throng of strangers who nevertheless seem to not care about the chaotic combination of old pine trees and smoggy air. I am wondering how the natives might feel about all these unnecessary tourists who always do a great job in turning the entire place into a huge garbage bin. What a shame. I am sure it is these tourists that gradually turned this place into a horrible spot. Thus they call it a “tourist spot”.

I came here to Baguio to relax and have fun away from the overly crowded cities of Manila. I came here to feel the same air I felt when he was still here with me. But then… what happened to the air around me? I see nothing but spoilers. I see cars and jeepneys everywhere. And since the place consists of hills and cliffs, every single car engine had to exude more fumes in twice the effort to climb and get to somewhere. They turned the sweet smelling air into a dreadful mixture of car exhaust, horse dung (tolerable than the car exhaust), roast corn and charring dried squid.

That was the tree he took a photo of. By then, it had lots of reddish flowers dangling along with its vine-like leaves. It has no such flowers this time. Nor does it have him seated on a bench underneath its shade. How much better could it be to look and see him beside me now?

I mounted a horse. His name is Winisty. I find it a little awkward for a name given to a male horse but then… what the heck! He is a lovable horse. He was very obedient and he eagerly walked me through the hills to Minesview Park for a good 1 hour. Winisty, like an answer to my prayers that my honey should give me a sign that he is always there, walked me through a familiar yellow structure that I once stayed in. In so much awe, I stroked Winisty’s mane and whispered thanks to him. I saw the hotel that has rooms with white balconies overlooking the pine trees of Wright Park. I could not pinpoint the exact balcony he and I stood from in our happier days together, but whichever that is, he and I had a lovely time there together. I need not say more about this hotel as it brings in so many memories that would make me sadder than I already feel now. I just took a picture of it. Blurry as I was yet on Winisty’s back.

Mines View Park did not prove to be a tranquil place today and I don’t think it ever will be the same solitary and peaceful spot as it was before. The place is simply swarmed with people and buried in thick layers of dust and litter. I no longer like Mines View Park. I did not go any step farther from the entrance. I did not want to see the rice terraces over numerous and countless heads.

That lamp post, I was there when I called him the last time I was here in this place with workmates Blessy and Jerome. He was very happy to hear me but I could also sense that he was running out of time with me. He is drifting far into endless realms of responsibilities and commitment to his one true love who will never be me. I could no longer refute that now, no matter how much he told me he loved me more than her. If he did, he wouldn’t have denied me badly, nor would he have said those things to me. If what he said were true about his love for me, he would’ve left more gracefully than any ordinary lover would. He would’ve taken care of my heart and made me feel that he really had to do what he did for it was the most sensible thing left for him to do. He would’ve made me understand in the most humane way. He wouldn’t have made promises to me that would contradict what he really would’ve intended to do in the end. He wouldn’t have come to me and made me the centre of his sun only to leave me like this.

I hate Baguio. I will never ever come to this place again. Not alone… nor with anybody I would ever love lesser than I love him. I don’t understand how impossible it is for me to even think there would ever be another. He wasn’t perfect. He broke my heart into billions of pieces… but I could only wish for none but him for my soul to be raised from this seemingly endless turmoil.

Another year has come to an end. And I could only drift far away from everyone who ever loves me. I have no much time to give them back anything they deserve from me. I am running out of time. The years have left so quickly leaving me with nothing but 33 years of reminiscences that only grew heavier towards the end. The last of the gifts in Pandora’s Box is still locked in. How could I have “Hope” for him?

Please … let the last gift come for me!

(Forgive the quality, I was on the horse when I took this)

Back after 5 days

I woke up earlier than the birds to get ready for my procedure at the Makati Medical Center. Funny that I forgot again to set my alarm to go off by 4am when my doctor instructed me to be there before 6. The air is chilly at dawns of December and January that my cardigan was not enough to keep me warm from my already shivering body. I wasn't feeling well through the months that came and went, and I was definitely feeling worse through the 30km journey from my place to Makati. I was anxious about me running late for the scheduled operation on me and I was anxious about having to leave this world again for good 2 hours.

It was so nice to feel the morning breeze from the pulled-down windows of the car while on my way to the hospital. And it was mesmerizing to witness the sunrise slowly peeking through the feathery clouds in the distant horizon. I knew how beautiful the world is especially when you see the mornings and define it from his perspective - Windows ME

In the waiting room, just before I was brought to the operating room,I could see all 5 nurses dressed in proper surgical gowns waiting to prepare me for the procedure. They asked me to slip into the familiar blue gown moments before they secluded me from the rest of the patients,helped me tie the ribbons at my back and fastened my hair with the surgical cap. When the young nurse came to set my dextrose, I slowly felt anxiety and fear creep through my veins.

The 2 shots they gave me just before I saw my doctor and the anesthesiologist come in, sent really cold perspiration through my skin. It was so excruciating that I almost wanted to give up. There was nobody beside me for they wouldn't be allowed in the operating room with me... I felt simply scared.

I knew that I would pass out anytime and that I wouldn't have no idea what will go on in the world without me. What if I never woke up anymore? What would become of the world without me? Will anybody miss me? I always had a successful procedure... but what if this one won't let me through?

It is Christmas in 2 days, and there I was... seeing nothing but the ceiling and thinking of nobody but him. How I missed him.. how I wished he would feel it too. How I wished he would remember me on Christmas day, even when he used to be so far away during the same occasion. He would always hide himself from me during Christmas... I would always miss him just as I would miss him until now.

I was also in that very operating room with Ocean. How I wished I could turn back the time. By then... Daddy would know Ocean.

I have a secret!

I shall tell only when I have the ample time to write.

Christmas Party

There were 2 buses carrying all of us to White Rock at Subic during our company Christmas party. We really had fun as there were really plenty of us. I sure do miss everyone from my old work but then life has to go on for me. I had to be with a new bunch of people of different nationalities too.

Friendster Philippines was with us too. I need not say much about their relationship with our company for I'm sure one could read more about it through our corporate site. I am not so into going through the details of the event but here are some photographs.



More photographs to come... too sleepy now.

Goodbyes are not forever

On the day which was exactly the 2nd year of the last day I have set eyes on him (hehe... starting this sounds very complicated even), I woke up to a dream. It was strange because it was like a dream to remind me of something I did not completely understand through the course of our relationship.

I saw him wearing exactly the same clothes he wore when I first met him. But I did not run to him as I actually did on that day. Instead, I just sat far away and stared at him and studied the expressions on his face- I found nothing there. He was just staring blankly into space like a stranger who did not have to be there to meet me. I showed myself to him and I saw how he looked so sadly at me. He did not utter a word but I could see the lines of sorrow and regret under his eyes. I wanted to run to him after I realized that he actually recognizes me. But I was tongue-tied and stuck to where I was standing. I was trying to define the kind of regret I saw in his eyes. I was hoping that the sorrow I saw in his face was about nothing but the thought that he might miss me too.

I woke up and did nothing but stare into the vast horizon hoping to find the answers I never had eversince he left. Then I felt the same intensity of sorrow I once had when I first heard the most disturbing utterances from his own lips... and then I had to F#$%^cry again.
I don't cry because I pity myself. I do because I feel sorrow for having been put in a dreamworld and kept oblivious of the fact that I was actually in a dreamworld, only he has created for me. That dreamworld was the best while it lasted and all I could do now is not just look back for the sake of looking back and smiling at the memories.

I look back because I wanted to go back to my dreamworld again. I'd like to remember the days that totally made me happy and made me forget about the harsh realities of life. With him beside me, my heart was euphoric- I thought of nothing else.

As per your comment there my friend, I cannot promise looking back… and not having to have the thoughts of rekindling old flames. Because , like a moth, I am attracted to any jade luminosity.

Stupid predictions

It has been 2 years since I last saw him. Funny that today is the exact day. Sometimes I just can't believe how I could foretell things way long before they actually happen. I don't know if I actually wished it would happen, or I could just simply read the future. Hehe. I remember telling him that I could feel it would be the last time we would ever meet. I wonder if he remembers.

The Light Bringer

This is to my avid blog reader who never fails to uplift my spirits in the darkest of hours. He is Lucifer and indeed he is an Angel of Light!

He steels nothing from me but darkness and snatches away nothing from me but the bitter truth. He is someone who is sweetly welcomed by my dark thoughs despite every moral efforts of banishing him. His presence is something she denies yet I so eagerly acknowledge. His being makes me think the way I think when the clock strikes away the last of sunset's rays. In gloam I see him clearly... and in the overwhelming light of day, the truth about him is concealed.

He is Lucifer and I become... Hesperus!

I miss my soul

I have so many things to upload that I have written for days and days but I have no time to do so. I just feel sad now and I have no one to turn to. I miss my soulmate especially at times like this. I dont know if I even had one if I dont have one anymore. :o(

What Melissa likes

My dog, she loves chicken. I know how the vets warn me about giving her chicken but what can I do? She can always smell chicken from hundreds of yards away. Whenever I bring home one, I would hear her yelping from outside as if wanting me to let her in so she could just go straight to the kitchen and dish out her own chicken. I sure wish she could do that.

Really, this dog is soooo difficult to feed. Now that I cooked her her chicken meal, I am sure she wouldn't want to pay attention anymore to any other foods I'd be giving her today... at least while she hasn't forgotten bout the chicken.

Other things she would like to nibble on are squid strips from Thailand, used socks (yuck),Tater's popcorn leftovers,anchovy chips,tissue rolls and the likes. God knows that other things the vets will find in her tummy.

Love me... again

I look far back into my life, but I could not still comprehend the present...I am still lost in a sea of emotions and drowned in waves of pain. My dreams are within reach but my moon lies far out into the transient nights.

One sick me :o(

I am sick today but I thought I needed to go to work anyway. My tonsils are a pain in the neck (hehe). I hate it when they are inflamed as it makes my body temperature so irregular throughout the day. I could not wait to go home but I know I might as well stay. I would end up loosing more if I had to cut short my day's service.

I wish I earned as much before as I do now. At least I could've gone wherever I wanted to have gone with him in our bygone happy days. I wouldve easily bought things for him and I so that he wouldnt have no problems trying to make our stolen moments more memorable for the both of us. Yes I now earn more than he did at that time, and I wish I am also sharing all the benefits with him.

Now I pray for nothing but for him to be really happy. I wanted him to remember the past and smile with all his heart even when he no longer sees me in his future. I know he doesn't have to feel the same but still I wish he would one day come and smile with me. I know things may sound complicated with this kind of wish, but I long for nothing but to speak with him and know he isn't at all angry with me. That would be more painful but sweeter. :o(

Happy Birthday my little I Oh

It is I Oh's birthday today! My Baby is now 11 and she looks like my sister. I might say she is sometimes more sensible than I am. Hahaaaaaaaa!

Today is the day when I am one of those few who were invited from our company to witness the official launching of the new Axe fragrance (Dark Temptation) by Unilever. I could sense it will be hell of a fun night for everyone who gets invited to this rare event for everyone talks about it at work.

It was only yesterday when we had to arrange for the banner ad placements all across the web for Axe and it was also only yesterday when we had to sit and review the viral- video ads that were produced by the company for Axe before it gets officially launched online. Indeed, the videos made ma laugh.


Now I am sitting here thinking... to go? ... or not to go? Wahuhuhu. I don't seem to enjoy thinking about it anymore. The event starts at 10pm and I still am not sure whether to say "yes" to the invitation or not :o( I still have 6 hours to think about it. Rare.... rare ... (still thinking)

Dodgy Breakfast

I was at Seattle's Best for breakfast this morning. I thought I would love to have a big breakfast ( Pancakes, bacon and eggs) but I ended up waiting for 30 minutes and did not at all get the one Ive ordered. Screwed up it was! I got so pissed off that I had to complain to the store manager. I ended up taking out my food for free- I had a refund and I was happy about it. Hehe.

Well ofcourse... I needed to make sure I did not have some spit on my scrambled eggs or in my pancakes- I gave some of the dodgy parts to my officemates. Nice!

Still smiling!

:0( I miss him

Our cow

I'm sure my honey knows where to find our cow. Someone has sold it for spilled beans.

From time to time

It is sometimes sooo nice to sit and think of everything past. Especially because I know that my imagination never runs dry, I am able to hoist memories and add a little bit of sugar to it until I no longer could tell which ones actually did happen and which ones I made up.

I now am smiling everytime I remember him. Despite the things he has done to me, I know I can never change my mind about loving him forever. He is one lucky son of a bitch in that respect.(perhaps in that respect alone). I love the way he built good memories for me to come back to even when he no longer is there to add more to it. Only it makes me want more and more. If he shows himself to me without a gun (LOL) he should predict what might happen next.

I just hope that someday he would find the means to get rid of his anger over something I dont think I really deserved from him. I hope he will know that no matter how much he hurt me, I would always keep his beautiful memories with me.

I wonder how he feels now about me. I wonder how angry he still could be. I wonder if he from time to time misses me too even in the minutest way. I wonder if there are moments in his life too that he would suddenly sit and see nothing else in front of him but the times he spent with me. I wonder if he knows I still look at his shirts from time to time and wish I could wrap it again around me and expect him to be beside me the next morning just like how I did it before.

Hmmmm.... Rain rain rain- they come too often since yesterday. But I could smell my honey in the air... even when only in my dreams.

I wonder.. if from time to time... he still feels he loves me too :(

Misspelled dream

J_ _ _ - a name I saw on a document that pertained to an approved visa in my dream. I was rushing towards a bucket by the airport lounge and had to quickly grab a folded note inside it. I was happy coz in my dream, finding that note there meant my visa has been approved. Then I saw his name there… highlighted in blue ink. My heart leapt to certain heights…only to be brought back to the ground when I realized that it was only I who wrote it there in the first place. But the handwriting was an exact replica of his. Or was it his?

I really wonder what this means.

Sick and sick again. I hate this day. I wish I could just be home sleeping. ZZZzzzzzz

No other one

I had to be on a meeting today regarding the overhauling of a website that belongs to our company. Then when they had to call in the manger of the graphics department, I could not stop laughing to myself. He is indeed the French version of my honey and I have realized how he at least comes in various forms. He comes in my dreams, he comes with the wind in Hugo for men, he comes in the form of clouds … and this time it is really hilarious that he had to come up with an actual face to see me.

I think I am very elated with the fact that he still comes to me at times and reminds me of him in his very own way. He makes me miss him and want him all the more. He makes me know he will always be around in many ways.

I did not find this guy attractive at all just because he bears a striking resemblance with him. In fact, I know that no matter what anyone does (if he has to), I will always know my original honey. My heart will always be for my honey only. In fact, nobody with resemblance to him will ever look better than him. He will always be my one and only eye candy.

Olden days

From up here I could see the old blue tower where I used to work way back in 2001. I have a nice view now from my new work place but I thought I would be somewhere wherein I will no longer get a glimpse of the past for it is too sad for me always. I wanted to get rid of this kind of feeling everyday because it is starting to tire me too. But I don't understand why I had to be reminded everywhere I went here in Makati. At work, everybody calls me Ma'am and seeks my opinion when they report to me. I am happy about this accomplishment and I know he would've been so proud of me too... but then, I feel as though I haven't gone anywhere far really because everything around me reminds me of him. Everything around me makes me feel the need for him to be there. Whew! I didn't know I would be in this situation at all.

"The feeling is mutual" crap

I had to excuse myself again and go to the ladies' room just to wipe off my tears that kept on building up at the corners of my eyes. I could not help it. I was in that cafe where you and I used to go and have dinner. It was very long time ago but it is so very fresh in my mind (i need to get some tissues now).

I stared at myself at the mirror and talked to to myself while I was trying to brush off the memories of you. From the vents under the door, I could see one lady impatiently waiting for her turn outside... but why should I care? I kept staring at myself and kept calling your name in hopes that my mind could just make you appear behind me for real.

I ordered the Salt and Pepper spare ribs that you and I very much liked with beer and every single time my brother and my husband mentioned about its taste, the more I felt sad that I turned around and never saw you there.

Now I could not understand why I keep on hoping that someday you would be right in front of me again. I wish you never had to be so mean to me so that I wouldnt have to feel this way while waiting and hoping for that someday.. given that I know I am on my own when it comes to this. The pain doesn't seem to go away. It keeps on hurting me like forever because I never even thought that it would all end up this way.

He had to ask what's wrong with me. And he looked guilty bout that little argument we had in the morning. He thought I kept on thinking bout it the entire day that he had to come all the way to pick me up after work... And now we are all here sitting over a banquet of chinese food that I've randomly picked for them (aside ofcourse from that salt and pepper spareribs). He kept on asking me to speak up and tell him what's wrong. But who wants to tell him about you?

I felt so alone staring out of the glass window for I could see nothing but familiar streets filled with strangers. I know you will never be there anymore. You will no longer be sitting next to me in this restaurant having a little beer with me and having fun talking to me.

I no longer know where to put myself when I am feeling this way. I wanted to scream and at the same time wish you would hear me and take notice. How I wish you would suddenly have a change of heart and just dial my number and speak with me even in the most platonic tone.

I want you to let me feel that you are just there and still monitoring anything I do... but you have left me even on friendster. You completely hate me for something I couldn't do anything about.

I wish for a sign that you are there and that you don't really hate me... and I am suddenly hearing this song with this lyrics "somewhere down the road" - how I wish I could thank you for this. But I know it is only I who romanticizes this thing. Nothing goes mutual for you and I this time- at least nothing that I could feel.

Clouds

It was already late this morning and I was still in bed. I did not realize it was already 10 because it was still dark outside. The sky was so gray and I could hear the rain pelting on our roof. Water was already getting through our window and wetting the lace curtains I put up yesterday. Winds also suddenly went so strong outside that it did the job of shutting the door to my room for me. That was when I had to wake up and say hello to yet another gray day that is 1 year and 10 months away from the last day I ever saw my love.

I love days like this. It makes me wanna put on a nice melancholic music like David Gates' Clouds and Rain Suite, and think of the last time I was at Fersal. It was raining all day when I was there at that time and I also looked out of the window and saw the same gray skies that I am seeing now. The gray skies were always my refuge when my mind drifted into the abyss of heartaches. But there are also times when they made me really happy. No amount of gray clouds wiped off my happiness whenever I looked around and he was there with me. No rain made my days cold while he wrapped his arms around me. But rain... it now brings back all the wonderful memories I had with him and the love he had for me.We were so good together and there was never a time I never enjoyed with him.

The rain now cries away the beautiful gray tints of the skies above me, and I guess the wind now blows away the last ounce of happy memory he has of me too. .. sadly...

I still love this day just like any other gray day with him.


Clouds and Rain Suite by David Gates

Yes I remember

Daydreaming

I dozed off in the middle of the day, and was snapped out of it by a dream. I was staring at myself in the mirror. It looked like the one from the hotel where he and I used to stay. Then as I turned around, I saw him standing next to me. I could see the details of his face and could almost taste the smell of his skin. The shape of his neck was welded in my memory that I could tell if it is him or not even in the dark.

I wish it weren't just a dream.

But Where is Home?

It is 2a.m. and everything around me is as still as the water in my glass. I hear nothing but the constant roars of my rusty computer fan and I could smell nothing but a smudge of lotion on my blanket. I am too lazy to get any napkin to wipe the tears off my eyes, that is why I find it convenient to let my blanket do the task. In the dark I sit amongst the shadows of every object around me and I know how I am tremendously misaligned with my thoughts.

I remember how i dreamed of something about him few nights ago. I did not wake up the next morning to have any inclination to write about it, that here I am, unable to recall exactly when that dream occurred.

I saw an electronic message board arranged in a manner that mimicked that of Friendster. And in there I saw a photograph of a tiny boat that drifted on the shores of a deserted beach.From my dream, I could recognize his work of art. I knew he took that photograph somewhere in Thailand and he used it as his avatar in my dream. To others, nothing might seem unusual about this. But he no longer comes online for me lately, nor makes me feel that he cares about me being there... Anything about him in my dream has become something very meaningful and special to me.

I could see threads of messages under his profile. And in one particular event, he wrote:

Who says I could never row my way back home?

Hello World

An astounding 3 months of not having to write anything at all! Did anyone miss me? I guess not! I have my tracking system installed here and I do know when someone diligently remembers to come back and check me out or not. I get plenty of hits but I do wish I find one whom I recognize through the years.

The beer tastes exceptionally great tonight,It is raining hard outside and the temperature has dropped dramatically through the day. I am in a perfect mood to reminisce and the only chapter I am glad to come back to is still colored jade as always.

I wonder how in the world it all came down to this. I am lost. .. I don't understand. Perhaps when I am less emotional, I would be able to write better.

Great Holiday

Thanks to my friend Kate. She did write well about it. It was one of the greatest holidays I have ever had in my life, and I couldn't wait to do it again. I wish I have the time to write about that holiday too and let you see things from my own perspective (not the best but definitely supplemental to Kate's). Click here to read her blog

Kate? What happened to the background music and the slides? I thought that made your presentation a little more dramatic. Hahahaaaaaa! I miss you guys!

Somewhere

Yes, I am still up this time. I intentionally did coz I wanted to see the break of dawn on a beautiful day like this. Now I am listening to this song that he knows I would always sing for him.

A song of endless hope. He shut me off in the rudest way, but here I am still singing this for him.

...with candles and a cake

I brought home a cake, just like I would always do every 16th of April. But this day is not the same as any other April 16ths that I know of. Today, the celebrant is not here. Today, the celebrant will not hear nor know about what happened here. Today is the day when I really have to celebrate alone.

People at home enjoyed the cake for reasons they never knew or never will. They must've thought that this is just a day wherein I thought of bringing home something to eat. Nothing special... nothing great!

But deep within me, something does long to make this day the happiest day of the year. My heart celebrates for something that is no longer here for me. Today is your day, my love. Today is my soul's day.

No matter where you are or who you are celebrating with, my soul always celebrates with you. Have a very happy birthday my love. I am less happy to be the one to blow the candles on your cake. But I made a wish for you. My wishes are all for you. And none of them shall ever make you sad.

A special day at hand!

9 days from now is a day I shall never forget. I will celebrate in silence and I shall hope that the sun rises on that day with a promise that shall never be broken. I have nothing yet to say. My sunshine is hidden amongst the thick clouds of despair. But they say every cloud has a silver lining. Now I need to know where they have all gone, as I don't see them yet.

What are you doing, my love?

I only wish you would answer me.

Get me a time capsule please!

I haven't slept last night. My world has turned completely upside down. I meant it in a literal fashion :D. You see... I sleep from 7 am to 2pm. And for me, late nights would be 2-5 in the morning. I am in deep shit. I never realized it until I finished my beer at 5am this morning. I was thinking of him and when I looked at the time , I thought, Damn! since when did my world turn out like this? I sleep when the birds start to sing on the treetops and wake up when the fruit bats start to hover in our garden.

I was looking at my inbox and there in one special folder. I saw the last happy letter he sent me. Read through:

Sweety, I don't think there is such a sentence of being able to forget you. I mean i don't think i'll be able to forget about you mylove, i understand that you are feeling that way because i havent been calling you nor responding much to your emails and for that i can only say forgive me for not doing so at the moment. Honestly, I am just too busy with my work and all because i am finishing my contract po and above all i dont have a job yet to continue to. So at the moment my main priority is to look for work mylove, im sorry but i have to find work po. Franckly i dont like what im saying to you now because its sounds like all i am doing is finding excuses po and i can feel it from your end that its pretty lame reading my emails. Shish i wish the same things as you po but i cant do things without money, what do you expect me to do wait for you to come to me, of course not.

Again as i have said you have all the right to say those things mylove and i am not objecting to any of them. But what i know is that i don't see the end of us and i can't see myself forgetting about you.

You can say as many goodbyes and you can i don't care....all i care about is that i still think about you everyday....

Sarangheyo

Don't you think he has really been so sweet? I wonder why he had to write me these shit when he did not mean it at all. Lord! help me comprehend.

I Loooove what you've done!

I was out joggin again today and I have noticed that our once- green -village- gate has turned into bright neon yellow and royal blue over night. All I could say was " what the @#$%... "

A couple of years ago, the community fences near our place were riddled with initials JBC - that of the, Mayor's. You would see his slogan that went with his initials everywhere- from pavements to local government office gates and even trash cans. "Just Be Clean" What the @#$% does he want everybody to think after reading that? I can see the impact of his supposedly "Strong" advertisement on the minds of the community then- there were heaps of sweet smelling concoction of rotting vegies, plastic, and rain-soaked papers rising as high as the poles that held streamers filled with nothing but his name and the sweet reminder to be clean in perfect harmonious color of green and white.

And now this? What the hell is going on in the world now? The new mayor is trying to communicate his intentions through colors. Whatever is the impact, he means two things - "We all live in a yellow submarine" and "blue is my world when I'm without you"

Aquatic Friends

I got myself a fish tank!

It all started out with a little Siamese Crown fish (Betta) that I got from a stall at the shopping mall. I did not go there to shop or anything, I just wanted to get rid of many things in my head that I needed to see a very busy place. I did not intend to get myself a pet. But when I saw the darling fishes, I thought ... why not?

I named him "Serafin". He was so blue with scarlet streaks on his tail. He was such a cutie fish and he made me feel as tranquil as his world that I decided to bring him home with me. He wasn't very cheap really, but I also knew that the fun I would have in looking at something for a change, is worth the amount. He came in a tiny fish bowl and a little underwater plant stuck above some pink and white artificial stones.

I peeped at him every morning and I saw how he managed himself in his own little aquatic world. Then I thought of making his world a whole lot better place to live. I thought of getting a fish tank for him.

F%^&! It wasn't cheap too. Plus I had to get a filter and some oxygen for him also.

I got home with an empty wallet!

But Serafin's world was perfect for him... at least untill I decided to be a little bit more creative and original- I found a small earthen pot under the sidetable and placed it in the aquarium to create an illusion that there was some hidden treasures buried beneath the sand dunes. But that pot exuded a smell far more rare than the artificial pink stones and my Serafin. It was so overpowering that I had to take the pot out as soon as I could. Out of my laziness to change the water, and perhaps my hope that the filter could do the work for me, I left the tank untouched till the next day.. when it was too late for Serafin. I fed him thinking he was OK, but later did I realize that he did not move a fin. Wahuhuhu :o( my Serafin was leaving me. Everybody leaves me... nobody loves me... and Serafin is gone too!

I got very sad over my fish. I wasn't sure whether it was the cost of having Serafin or the fact that he just died. Death is sad... I don't like anybody or anything dying on me. So I hurried to the shops nearby to get a replacement. Choosing from those tanks amused me a lot that I wanted to hurry home with 13 new fishes. Very nice ones I may say. I have commet, Lionhead goldfish, a bubble-eye and another species that is still unknown to me :p

Not Again!

I got a call today, and I did not expect it to be him. I didn't know why he had to ask me why I was bothering them again?

I heard a childish fuss in the background and a little gasp of some mother who didn't want to be even more irritated with her daughter than she already was with her husband.

Why is he acting this way these days? I just don't get how a man whom I once thought to be sensible just suddenly slips into an incomprehensible stupidity. How in the world does he ever come up with an instant impulse to turn to me and suspect me for any message he receives? I don't know what the heck he was talking about even. He caught me unsuspicous that it was him calling, so I answered the phone and listened to his voice while he accused me again of a crime i'm totally oblivious of until now.

Now all I could think of when I remember that call, is that his mind has totally drifted into the realms of obvious insanity. He no longer sounds socially or conventionally correct nor reasonable when he talks. Doesn't he ever stop to think before dialling my number? Jeez! I don't have time for this even.

I am not angry at him for being like this now, but I am disappointed- big time. I wish the tables would turn and he would wake up being in my position. I will be happy when he finally finds out how much pain he inflicts on someone who has not done him any wrong yet completely accused of something. I want him to feel how it is to love in such a way that I do, and yet be treated like a total scumbag. I want him to know how painful it is to be lured into a lifelong trap and suddenly be left totally alone with no escape. I direct this lot to him with utter sincerity, so that when it is already happening, he would no doubt be remembering me and what he has done to me. By then... it would be too late.

I love. I believe there is nothing wrong with that, as long as I know that I am not doing anything that will spoil his own strategies in life. I love, and I want to let him know that when I do, I also respect. Had he drawn the line clearly for us before, I don't think such accident would've happened (finding his number and calling him). The last thing I did was something totally reasonable and conventional for lovers and I don't think any sensible or intelligent person would think I have done something wrong by just trying to be typically sweet and romantic.

How sad my fate has become with him. I never knew that things would turn out this way. How I regret! ... Like never before!

As the final curtain falls...

The final day has come for me to bid everybody goodbye at work. I felt a strange air of confusion when I stalked the hallways for the last time. The glass walls... I noticed, needed some cleaning from the inside out and it blurred my view of the beautiful City Garden and that tiny yellow light from Fersal's sign.

My friends said goodbye to me and told me how they're gonna miss me. I know I will miss them too especially my friend Blessy. I didn't want to be emotional that I had to make sure I left earlier before she did without saying goodbye to her.

As I entered my four digit code to log myself out for the last time, I felt so sad for reasons I wasn't so sure of. I turned around, and I saw the red light from our love den. It seemed like it was calling me and him from afar and I was the only one who heard it. I couldn't do anything but stare at it for a few minutes as though in deep trance. I was there... talking to him in my mind, till I heard my other ex-officemates laughing and treading their way to where I stood. I quickly wiped my tears off my eyes and smiled at them as though nothing was wrong with me.

My steps grew heavier on my way to the main door... Over four years of service ... and I am finally leaving every single memory behind.

Goodbye to a chapter that was once so dear to me. It is hard to let go but I know that there is something else better in store for me. I can't wait to know what it is.

I have loved, I have tried, I have done things, but I somehow failed in many ways. I cannot blame myself for anything. But I can do better the next time around, especially now that I know I have gone this far.

To you my love, thank you! And may you always remember me and how beautiful our love story was.

annyoung * chingu

Brilliant Childish Ideas

I loved how I was when I was little, for when I had an idea which I thought was brilliant, I never hesitated to make them happen.

Take for example that time when I thought that making so much paper-money would make me really rich. I actually cut out uniform pieces of paper and took coins and placed them underneath each piece, so that when I rubbed the top with crayons, Presto!, I had an instant face on my very own bunch of bills. I did not feel frustrated or think it was a dead-end for me when the store owner did not want to give me even one butter stick for my money. I only thought that my convincing power was not well-developed that I needed my mom to come with me and explain to him how authentic my bills were. I did not know exactly why mom had that kind of smile on her face the time I was dragging her to the store. But after that, I was able to come home happily with my arms wrapped around a nice big jar of cherry balls.

I remember how I liked dressing up as a native American Indian. I would be very consistent with my guise and I even asked for a teepee to be built inside the house so I would sleep in it during the afternoons. I did not ofcourse like to spend the night in there after learning about that green monster that lived in the coconuts. I would also scamper everywhere when I saw coconut beetles fly in through the window and drop themselves on our wooden floor. It was because my grandpa said, those coconut beetles dug a hole in the coconut trunks to let the green monster escape at night. He also warned me that when I saw one, I should think that they most probably were going for the pile of coconuts under our house. So, I was convinced that whenever I saw beetles, green monsters would follow. He also explained that the monsters were the reason why it has never been a good idea to eat coconuts after dusk. Jeez! I could remember clearly how that story freaked me out. I did not want coconuts at all even during the day, for fear that I would be gobbled up. My mom, whenever she made fruit salad, ofcourse would try to persuade me to eat one by telling me that coconuts, when mixed with other fruits and turned into fruit salad, become something that the green monsters really hate. I thought, what possible fruit, combined with coconuts would make the monster really hate it? It must have been the prunes. I hated prunes too and those ground peanuts mixed-in.

I was 6, and I loved being a native American Indian and clearly distinguished my tribe (Machu chu chu Tribe) from any other tribes that I all made up in my mind. I don't know where I got that name. Perhaps from the magazine article on Machu Picchu. I imagined creeks and thick pine woods behind my teepee, and owls calling out my name. I also thought of having a small pot that would continuously produce smoke to complete my little Indian village. I had a real tomahawk that I got from under my grandpa's bed that I used to drop on the floor in protest to my mom's request to sleep. Shish! I don't understand until now why parents force you to have a nap in the afternoons during our times.

I had a lovely North American Indian mane that one of my aunts sent my brother for his birthday and had a lovely Indian name to go with the purple, yellow and fuschia feathers on them- Rainbow Cloud . I started making Indian sounds and cooked what I thought was Indian food too. I am laughing to myself now whenever I remember that pot I used for cooking, rolling onto my friend Glenda's back. She was crying on her way home with the pot-shaped first degree burns on her back and that was the last time I ever had her play Indian with me.

Those were the days! Sometimes I wish I was 6 again. No problems that linger, just fun and happy memories.

Have you met Joe Black?

Meet Joe Black. This movie just brings an ocean of tears out of me. I have watched it many times already and still I could not get enough of it. The story is sooo great that I wish I would be given the same opportunities as was William Parish. Who wouldn't love him? " Everyone who knew him and met him, loved him" .

I love that dialog wherein he had to say to Death (Joe Black) , "It's hard to let go isn't it? That's Life! What can I tell you? " and I wonder how I would react when given the chance to meet Death face to face and know the exact time I will be escorted out of this world. I am not asking for it now, but I totally admire the way Anthony Hopkins portrayed the role of a 65-year-old tycoon who still wished for everybody, amidst the awareness of his forthcoming death, to have a life as lucky as his.

Will had such a wonderful life indeed, and I only wish that the story of his life was mine to tell.

There is only one thing I regret - that I have to watch this movie from a pirated disk. What a shame! Those who were behind the making of this story and film, simply don't deserve this.

Stolen shot

Those who come and read my blog page might grow tired reading nothing but about him. I honestly wish I could change my topic too.

After work, I went to the bar with my favorite co-workers Blessy and Jane and we decided to have a little something to eat. I had 2 bottles of super dry beer and stories to tell. We were talking about the mechanical horse that was in the middle of the bar and we were daring each other to ride it. Nobody did. It was simply too embarrassing to consider even. From where I sat (behind the speakers) I could see through the glass windows and view the people down below. There were happy lovers and workers hurrying home. And there we were, taking our time recalling the events that we all enjoyed at work. The three of us will be working for MRM till the 29th of this month only and we know that we will all miss each other too. We had some girls' talk ofcourse and I never failed to bring about the topic which is always my favorite- him.

My friends had to go to the toilet for a while and I was still seated there thinking about him and wondering how he is doing. In my mind, I came to that part when he and I were one time on a train to the heart of the city. We were both staring at people's feet at that time and I have noticed one passenger who had very nice set of toes. I moved my gaze from there till I focused on her face. I laughed when I realized that he was wrong in his declaration that all women with nice toes had good faces to match them. I was trying to control my laughter especially when I found out that he was looking at the same thing too and that he realized he was wrong with his earlier assumption. Funny how our minds always knew what we were thinking of. He just knew what I was laughing at.


I was surprised to realize that in my contemplation, I was actually smiling to myself and that a group of guys in the other table just took a photograph of me. The blinding flash just snapped me out of my beautiful reminiscence of him. I took my gaze off the glass window and focused on their table. I saw them all looking at me and noticed that one was smiling at me as though trying to find out if I would return his smile so that he could just come over to our table and strike a conversation with me. I looked away really quick so to let them know that I am not at all interested in talking to them or knowing them. And when my officemates got back, I immediately asked for the bill and left the bar.

Going home was more difficult for me since I could not help crying in the van. I did not want people to notice me but I think I just failed to conceal my grief.

Love means....

I went to the spa today for a nice full-body massage. Expensive, but i think it made me really relax during and after the session.

I remember the lucky times when I did not have to pay for a service like that. He gave me nice back massages too when he came to see me. He did not do it as professionally as the masseuse did today, but of course I would prefer him a million times over anybody else. His presence and him being him was more therapeutic to me than his massage.

Everything I do in a day reminds me of him. I don't know where to place my brain whenever I get drowned in thoughts of him. It is so hard to quit someone like him even when he has long been gone before he even said goodbye to me. Had I been given the choice, I will make sure that I never have to be in this particular situation now where no matter what I do or no matter how much tears I cry, I won't get the feeling that he will still want to come back to me.

When the moon is full, I still stare at it and hope I would have signs that he does look at the moon too and still whispers his thoughts for me.

Him him him him him.... always HIM! Whew I just don't get it. Why the hell can't I be as angry as he is at me and just forget all about him?

If only he comes back to me, I will make sure that he never has to say he is sorry.

Rock Paper Scissors

There was once a funny article that I placed in this section. Only I got a comment from someone regarding it.To that someone...

I guess you must've missed the note in my blog that sometimes I could quote articles of others and use photographs from third party websites too. But some websites wouldn't put the exact source of anything I might use and be honest about it... and this is what happens.

By the way... when I checked your site, I realized that it wasn't the one I quoted the article from.The one I got it from did not acknowledge the original source even.For that... I'm sorry. I'd rather take out the article instead. Thank you!

PS.
Nice page!

Stolen moments

Today was an especially gloomy day. I am talking about the skies. I did not see much of the sun, and the wind was chilly. I like days like this for they provide a perfect reason for me to feel and look melancholy.

2001 brought so much rainfall, I recall. But that weather did not at all hinder my growing passion for him. We were always looking forward to seeing each other and we did everything to see each other more often even when we were worlds apart.

He always detoured to where I was everytime he was sent to a convention or a seminar. I remember he would even be calling me from a ferryboat when he did not have the luck to get plane tickets. He also had to travel all the way to where I was to purchase 10 computer units and go through all the difficulties of having to pack them and ship them back to his place where he worked. It wasn't easy, but that bought us 10 days of quality time together. I now begin to wonder how he managed to lie to her at that time, just to be with me. I thought that was the sweetest thing to do for love. ... hehe,, and lust- to lie and escape from home and stay together, with our mobile phones constantly turned off.

Everything we did together in those 10 days is what makes my heart remember forever. I shall not forget. And I hope I have the chance to know or feel, that all these. remain vivid in his mind forever too.

Wherever you are now, I hope you still can see me and feel me as you always did.

I can't sleep

I met my best friend Lester after work today. He chose to grab some burgers at McDonald's and I decided to go with him. It was very hard for me to keep my emotions when I realized that I was seated right at the exact place where my honey had to wait for me the first time we had to meet. I remember clearly how he looked the moment he saw me.

Tonight, I could not sleep :o( and I can't stop crying over spilled milk. I tried not to, but I can't help it. I stared at my messenger and I know I will never see his name illuminate anymore. It is hard to be in this situation - there is nothing left to do. It's a dead-end.

I used to cry and he would be there to wipe my tears away. I would miss him and he would instantly call me. When I sent him messages asking him to call, he would be rushing to do so with matching concerned voice asking me whether everything is OK or not.

He knew how to answer my questions when I was emotional. He knew how to tell me and show me how much he missed me. He loved me so much... I know that.

I wish I will be loved again and wanted again just like before.

Talk to me

God help me! I feel very sad because of him. How much longer do I need to suffer? I wanna wake up and find my feelings for him, gone. But that is impossible. It only grows stronger each and everyday.

Where are you my love? Please listen to me. Remember your promises to me. Please?

Four Days with Me

We were in Baguio and I know I made you hear this song. I remember you were wearing a red shirt that I got you. I thought you looked so good in it. I knew you didn't like Dead Can Dance much, but I saw in your eyes how much you listened to this song's lyrics.

Such brown eyes you've got- they were deserting me. I felt something strange for the first time - you were slowly slipping away from me.

To you, I play this song in my ears now

The Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove
by: Brendan Perry of Dead Can Dance


I thought that you knew it all
Well you've seen it ten times before.
I thought that you had it down
With both your feet on the ground.
I love slow...slow but deep.
Feigned affections wash over me.
Dream on my dear
And renounce temporal obligations.
Dream on my dear
It's a sleep from which you may not awaken.

You build me up then you knock me down.
You play the fool while I play the clown.
We keep time to the beat of an old slave drum.
You raise my hopes then you raise the odds
You tell me that I dream too much
Now I'm serving time in disillusionment.

I don't believe you anymore...I don't believe you.

I thought that I knew it all
I'd seen all the signs before.
I thought that you were the one
In darkness my heart was won.

I don't believe you anymore...I don't believe you.

Never let it be said I was untrue
I never found a home inside of you.
Never let it be said I was untrue
I gave you all my time.

I wish I never had to associate you with this song. I still... would like to own you, and keep you and make you immortal. My love for you knows no end!

Goodbye MRM

From now on, everything will be new in my life.
I surely will miss all my friends who have been very close to me at work.

Goodbye City Garden and Fersal Signs!
Goodbye hallway memories!
Goodbye DVD Manang!
Goodbye Parasol!
Goodbye to you dear heartache!
Goodbye kind Pacific Star guards!

Bye Kakaluuchiii, Jerome, Jane, Kate, Russel, Shei, RJ etc.
Goodbye dear boss!

Happy Forgotten Valentine's

I went to work as usual, and I noticed flower stands at the lobby of the building. Men were queuing in front of those transient stalls to get their sweethearts some, once-in-a-bluemoon bouquet of red and pink roses, cuddly bears and chocolates. .. I hate Valentine's

In the morning, my husband forgot what day it is. And when I told him that it's that stupid Cupid's day, he suddenly remembered the flowers he bought 3 days ago. He rushed to the car and retrieved the bouquet from the hood. He ran back to me and gave me a bunch of dried flowers of god -know's -what sort, which he said I could use to sweep the floor with. How sweet of him!

But there is something else lurking in my mind now. I miss Jade very much. I need not say more!

I can see you

I dreamed that he was in Brisbane and he started using his phone to connect to the Internet. I wasn't with him in my dream, but I could see what was in his phone screen- my blog pages. Then the scenes shifted, he was suddenly in Sidney. He still had the phone in his hand and he was still reading my heart away.

There was nothing in his eyes. He seemed to be reading my thoughts but did not care to show his emotions over the things he read.

From behind I wanted to hug him, and beg him to speak with me and tell me he loves me again.

Then I thought I heard my phone ring. I heard him say "sweety?". It sounded so real, I had to cry tears of joy.

Too sad- I was only dreaming:o(

Sounding Ironic

It is very funny that I could be so very angry with someone at one particular moment and suddenly feel so much sadness over what just transpired.

I think he has his own good reasons as to why he should be angry like that- something that I did or have not done... something that he thinks, I failed to see.

I contemplated, and I thought as to why things are going the way it does now, but I still cannot find the reasons why a love that was once so intense suddenly turned out this way.

I suddenly miss the real person in him. Sometimes I wish he knows how it is to be in my shoes. Things aren't so easy to forget especially when they were all considered so great by the time it had to be. It is hard to just forget memories especially when they are so vivid in my mind and I cannot just let my anger spoil all of them. In fairness to him, he has been very good to me and he has sacrificed a lot too. I guess he only failed to think that life is not the way we thought it should be and that life always takes its own course. Perhaps he thought that it is perfect to have just everything that made him happy all at once. And he also did not know that once he is into a deep relationship, there is no easy way out. Somehow... there always has to be a little hiccup somewhere.

He has been very sweet and I should say he did try his best if I were to base it in his actions and his words, to be the perfect man for me. There was just one major problem - he wasn't a free man to love a woman as free as I was. Everything he did was simply unacceptable to everybody around him or me. Everything I prayed for during my entire time with him, did not have the reasons to be heard. They simply were considered immoral. It must have been very hard for him to prove a love to me while he goes against the people around him especially her... But it has never been easy for me too. Imagine the times when I wanted to show the world how much I love him, and I could not even send him a simple birthday card- he could not keep anything that will make her suspicious of anything. Imagine the moments when he had to go again and leave me with hopes that he would again have the chance to be with me. Imagine the moments when I could not even dream dreams that a normal lover should dream about. Imagine when I prayed so hard for a lifetime with him and felt that my prayers would never be heard anyway because they contained wishes that were completely contrary to her own prayers. Imagine how sad it is to be just the other woman when you know and feel that he is in fact in love with you too and he just could not have an easy way out of his nutshell.

Those times have ended. And I feel happy now that I no longer have to cry every night just because of him. I do admit that I still feel sad when I recall things, but I have put them all in the past for me to come back to anytime I wanted, and still feel happy about it.

One thing I wanted to live with now, without his interference, is the beautiful memories of a relationship that has been great while it lasted. In my own little way, I shall not think that life shitty! You'll always never know!

A Parody of Love

There is a man I know who is so much buried in his own shit that he does not at all see the importance between the truth in what he says and their congruence to everything that is really going on.

To you Mr lovegrove: Why have you started to act like an idiot? Funny I never even realized how idiotic your ways can really become especially in situations like this. Perhaps this is because you were very good at concealing your basic shit that you don't even realize how stupid you have become, and how childishly you are dealing with things around you now. Is that the best you can come up with in trying to explain to her? Funny you do every single thing at my expense.

Do you know how degrading that is on your part to let everyone hear you argue with your wife and then suddenly, you turn to the phone to express everything she wants to hear from you to someone like me? I mean, why do you allow yourself to even do that crazy stuff? Can't you settle things all to yourself? How in the world did you ever declare that I am the one trying to destroy your family? I mean #$%^ You for saying that lousy shit! I can understand better if you do look like David Beckham or if you do have something that I desperately need in life like...riches equivalent to that of Bill Gates, a tush as cute as Alec Baldwin's, and as much lifetime achievements as that of great actors like Sean Connery and Anthony Hopkins. I know it was my choice before to think that you are god's gift to to me- but I snapped myself out of that already - with the kind of character you display now, it is impossible to think the same. Everyone who knew about us even asked me questions as to what I found in you that made me head over heels with you. Lester, my best friend is one of those who are really really puzzled by this.

To give you credits: I loved the way you loved me, the way you missed me when you weren't with me, the way you bought plane tickets and escaped your work and your boss just to be with me for days and days, the way you were so addicted to me, the way you got overly jealous over anybody in my life ( you suspected every male friends around me), the way you let your daddy call me and tell me your whereabouts when you didn't have the good chance to do it yourself, the way you liked sneaking out of your conjugal bed to be on the roof on rainy days just to call me, the way you escaped your home and your wife (whom you said you didn't love at all, and to whom you said you have admitted that you no longer loved because your "heart belongs to me"- hehe) just to spend even a day with me, the way you forgot that it is way hilarious to get your wife pregnant after telling me you no longer wanted to live with her, the way you called me even in the middle of the night just to ask me if you woke me up or something, the way you lied to me about what's really going on in your life so to keep me exactly where I was in your life, the way you licked my toes and kissed my ass, the way you comforted me whenever I was sick of nothing but colds, the way your snores summoned all the lizards and the spirits of the earth into our bed.

But there is ofcourse one serious thing that I really really hate about you now. And that is- the way you try to blame me for everything you have done with me now that you are being confronted by your wife. I tell you that I think of her as the stupidest person in the world to have bought a lifetime admission to your self-made theater. HAHAAaaa. Suuupper Duupper ... Hilarious- that is what you are now.

Blimey! How did you ever think that every time you see my number in your stupid phone, you always are sure that I wanted to talk to you to "Destroy your family"? Jeez! I wanted to punch your face for thinking that. I think you are just over reacting over a simple folly. Or should I say, you are trying to romanticize the fact that your number has mistakenly been dialed. Besides, why the hell did you call me using your mobile phone anyway if you did not want me to really know your godforsaken number? And if you really did not want to get any callbacks, then why the hell did you use your #$%^'n number to call me or send messages to me? Shish! I didn't even know it was a cellphone number-hehe thanks for the text message.

My husband, he was looking for a number from the "incoming calls" list. He needed to find out if there still is a phone number of the last important person who called us in my phone. Ofcourse he came across every single number that were in the list on that particular date. Most of them were yours - it was therefore impossible to not dial it by mistake . (We never even knew it was yours).

Your number always appeared with different prefixes in my phone- I had more than 15 registered incoming calls with different area codes and most of the calls are interestingly, ones from YOU alone! I sometimes get confused even, I would think you are in Canada, or In Brisbane, or in Sidney, South Korea, or even Thailand. Had you not called back many times when your number was unintentionally reached through these assorted set of numbers, or sent a message from your phone, I wouldn't know which one is your true location and which one is your real number- Thanks for the info!

So... PLEASE! I Beg you to not WISH THAT TELCO TECHNICAL PROBLEMS SHOULD HAVE TO BE BLAMED ON ME AND DON'T DESPERATELY HOPE THAT I HERE, WOULD ALWAYS DIAL YOUR NUMBER IN HOPES TO SPEAK WITH YOU! ... you need to snap out of your dreams now! And please don't call back like a very uneducated outlaw while all the chickens are still asleep in everyone's backyard. I think you just really romanticized things a little bit too much this time. Or maybe it is your wife who does? If unluckily, your wife saw my number in your phone, I wish that your manhood didn't just creep back into its all- original Prune-sized state. Shish! were you trembling with fear with your tail between your thighs when your wife saw it again? Are you even a man to at least spare yourself from looking STUUUUuupid in the eyes of others? Shish! I hope that whenever you have some problems in your life together ( of which will always be there for you since you are such a liar and she is such a big-mouthed nagger) you wouldn't really turn to me and bug me with your crazy show. If you wanted a fight, pick one with those of your level only please!

My husband, he will trade anything for a good sleep, so I had to be the one to answer the phone when you were calling at 5 in the morning. And hell! The first thing I ever heard was your ridiculously pretentious and angry voice saying "Hello". I mean, F#$% who wants to talk to you in that manner? If you only wanted to show off to her, you can pretend as much as you want that I am still there listening to your crap. This way, you won't have to spend a single centavo to make your point. And if you think you needed to prove one to me coz you thought I am misunderstanding things, hehe I should say that is I am no longer interested to hear from you. One word is enough for me po. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT TOO. You can only talk to the walls now.

Please don't drain my batteries too by calling me a million times when I refuse to speak with you anymore. - You had to call me a thousand times while I was driving too. Did you expect us to pull over and listen to your hilarious voice while you are in your sentimental mood? Hahahaaa..... I think you can be a real jester. Who else in the world could pull a good joke like that but you? And still that wasn't enough- you had to also send me messages that purely displayed your desperate attempts to impress her after all the stupid things you have done to her and to me.

Your messages - they were fit to be sent by someone as rich, famous and handsome as Brad Pitt, Leonardo de Caprio, Heath Ledger (God bless his soul), Ashton Kutcher, and lots of others. You spoke to me as though there wouldn't be anyone else in the world to fill in the gaps in me, as though you are the only man in the world, and as though I owe you my life. Jeez mister, #$%^'n WAKE UP NOW!

Oh and before I forget, My husband- he is not like your wife who will definitely force you to do or say stupid things over the phone just to soothe his ever aching self. He is not filled with crap like you for him to actually like to sit down and listen to your shit! He hates nuisances and he finds you justly fitted in that category. He will never believe in anything anybody says in attempt to impress him or alter his belief in something or someone for no good reason. He will never like your acting talents. He is very good at weighing things and he is very just in his judgments. So I assure you he wouldn't take your lousy chatters into consideration. To make things sound fair for you too - I am also more than sure that he won't also believe me if my behavior does not coincide with my declarations especially about you. After all... I thank God for that!

"Everything is Over", you say? Hahaaa. After 7 years of a @#$%ed- up life with you, you tell me that only now? If I were to mention all the facts that I keep, you will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for displaying the most number of acts contradictory to your words and for telling the most number of nothing but ironic lies to your partner. Or maybe you will be the most battered and trembling husband in the world. HAhaaaaaaaa! Poor you!

When you send me messages you seem to really force me to accept without questions whatever you say in them. Are you really expecting me or the likes of me to hold my silence forever? I am only really trying to keep my mouth shut but you know how deadly my venom is when I am PISSED OFF. Don't tell me you are completely oblivious of this cute little character of mine. Also, don't forget that I do keep a lot of evidences, Baby! (your plane tickets, your voice records, your disgusting videos of yourself, your letters, your photos, your handwritings, your clothes) And I sure will be very glad to share them with anyone like your wife in a very cute, vintage or classic way. And oh! there is one more thing i really kept well from you- a recording of you saying that thing you hate about your wife. Hahaaa! she will really kill you for that!

I give you all the pleasure of making the world round and flowery again for your wife, mister. But try not to involve me in your little Play PLEASE, and don't dump all your shit into my very own perfect world now. The more you pile them up, the more they stink. I am afraid I won't have the power to keep her nostrils from smelling the fumes if you added any more to this stupid mass. My weapon would be the truth. So, if I were you, just admit your follies too and stop blaming things on someone else so you won't need to desperately seek for connivance from an enemy to prove your point in the end. Nothing like that is ever convenient in the process!

I have least known these ugly things about you. I regret having lost the good sense in you. To me, the man in you has died. You cannot be the one I grew to love years ago. You are not even a man anymore. You are only a senseless robot who is programmed to impress someone at all times under all circumstances, someone you lied to for no other reason than creating yet another bunch of lies with me, someone who is sooo STUUUUPID to even holler senseless words at me over the phone without even thinking.

Doesn't she have some common sense to sit down and contemplate? If she knew she was dealing with someone like me, I don't think she would behave in that manner. What the heck about me did you make her believe in anyway? Shish, I guess you made it appear that I was running after you and stalking you like a crazy woman who just had a doze of love potion number 9. Or...I guess she hasn't stared at you for a long time to have enough reason to be convinced that you are not actually a material most women in their proper minds would run after. She must've forgotten that someone like me must be really so sedated to do such a thing you thought I have been doing. And she must've not asked herself a question as to why I should be inlove with someone like you if you did not by all means set a trap for me.

My darling, you know very well how things went on between us. And you know very well who I am. But why do you talk to me as though you never knew nothing about me even for just a bit?

All my life, I have been making sure that I make a good decision in life at all times. I only became stupid when I met you and started to believe in you or in anything you say. I was always a strong woman who always was on top of everything. I don't take in stupid things just to screw up my life for no reason. And definitely most of all, I won't waste my time on someone who does not at all make me believe that I am well-needed. So... with that little glitch lately in our little story together?- I am more than sure they are the residue of your stupid anomalies. Bear it baby!

If everything about you is nothing but a big SPOOF, shish! You indeed are good at inviting me to watch your show. BRAVO BABY!

I never spoke to you like this. But your behavior just calls for it. You can provoke even the angels of God to wage a battle with you in hell. Place this in your resume too!

Life at work

In one day, I get all the demands of an ever grouchy boss-wanna-be, and ever sluggish male co-workers with automatically minimized adult, game, or sports sites whenever you come over to their desks. Hehe! (The company prohibits too much viewing of these sites as they always use up so much bandwith and that the connection at work is already much slower than a creeping snail off a flower vase- Watching Youtube videos is almost impossible.)

I work really hard and there are days too when I just sit for more than an hour staring blankly at my computer and wishing I can just hang a "Don't Disturb" sign on the back of my chair and go to sleep.

When I feel lazy, I start to notice every single thing around me. Like today, I see how ants are infesting the Starbucks cake box in my trash can and crawling all over the hair tie that I was constantly searching for yesterday. There's that quarter of a day-old soda left unconsumed in my mug and I am starting to pity my miniature desk plant that is constantly pleading for water.

My poor headphone - it has a already a thick strip of plastic adhesive on it to prevent it from totally falling apart because I grab it hurriedly always and put it over my ears whenever my officemate starts singing her throat out.

She realy likes to sing, doesn't she? Shish! Whenever she does, Blessy and I start turning to our YM's in synchrony and setting our music really loud in our ears. I wonder why she can't just do it in the bathroom? ... I wish Simon Cowell were seated with us in our office so that she learns the truth about her voice.

She can always be so very loud at every conversation she makes either with fellow-officemates or with anybody on the phone. And not just that! The entire room shakes whenever she coughs (she always does) or laughs. I can now imagine, green slimy substances all over her keyboards and computer screen. I am afraid they even have crept into the E-world and spread themselves in all the emails that she sends. She seems to want everybody to notice her presence in some sort of a weired way. But to secretly give her the benefit of the doubt- It is possible that she only has some problems with her ears that she doesn't seem to hear herself at all!

There are days that seem like forever at work. And there are times too that seem to fly as quick as the seconds on my watch. I wish this happens all the time.

Dull moments call for more break time with Jerome, Kate, Russel, Shei and her boyfriend RJ. We would always end up talking over barrels of coffee for almost an hour. We always laugh and complain the afternoon away and feel like not wanting to go back to work anymore. Times like this also make me think way back 7 years ago when all I ever thought of, is going to work really early so I could have the time to chat with him before he goes out on a field work. I ended up so into him the entire day, that it was difficult to work. But one thing was always definite- I loved going to work.

He was the only treat I had in a day whenever I was at work. He had all the essential attributes a "vice" should have. He was my weakness. He was worthy of all my valued interest. He was my sunshine.

At that time, my heart always raced with the beat of the drums as Dead can Dance played "Black Sun" on my Winamp. I always had this thing for tribal or terra-ambient music really that whenever I had them on my ears, my imaginations flew everywhere and evolved around him. I always had an overwhelming excitement in anticipation of him knocking at my ICQ window when he got to work. I always felt the adrenalin rush into my veins as his user ID illuminated and flashed at the bottom of my taskbar.

He was also in every online messenger that I used and so much in my hopeful life too.

Since he came into my life, I imagined how every rhythmic beat of trance, new age, blues and rock, highly pressurized and ignited the very core of my long-overlooked secretive desires as a woman . And whenever the thought of him came up, I tried so hard to find some scientific explanation for the " thunder in my fingertips " thingy. To myself, I always attempted to elucidate the abnormal quiver his name brings. And when I did not seem to come up with a valid reason as to why my devilish mind rocked off the thought of working hard, I always smiled in contentment with the belief that I adored the idea of him and nothing other than that should've mattered.

But that was years and years ago and I now begin to wonder if those emotions I harbored in my tiny love chamber and once ignited by the fire of his great mysteries really died like a hopeless ember. Maybe it did because I don't think I am in the same situation now feeling the same emotions for him. This could be due to lots of things that are too much to enumerate now.

As the days moved along, I began to notice how deeply I was involved in a very obscure affair with him yet so elated by the thought that every secrets he revealed meant an inch of penetration into that baffling side of him... But that was long ago and nothing about him baffles me anymore.

I thought of him as an onion. I peeled off a little of him everyday and i got nothing but yet another flake after flake after flake- the more I learned about him the more I got mystified. But maybe "mystified" is no longer the word for me, now that I know how I was lead to think of things that are not at all true about him anymore... after all.

The "flake" thing is all about nothing but his masks that always concealed the truth about him, the things he said and the things he made me believe in. Whew! Anyway, I guess things of the past should remain in the past. Besides, they don't amuse me anymore.

I have 30 minutes left before its time to go home.

Last Page

This is a nice and funny link. Click here to see for yourself!

.

Mechanical Chicken

My daughter drew this when she was 3. I thought it is sooo cute I had to scan it so I could keep it forever. Someday I will show it to her again.

I Oh's Mechanical Chicken

Stupid Dream Interpretations

I woke up to a dream and I was trying to interpret it for myself when a thought suddenly swept my mind. Why do dreams need interpretation? If they are really trying to tell me something about my waking life, then why do they have to be abstract and symbolic so for anyone to have a hard time figuring out what the hell they really mean?

As I go back to Manila

I am sitting here...waiting to board the aircraft that will take me back to a place that spells out a lonesome walk through life in his absence. And as I fixate my gaze beyond the glass walls of the airport lounge, I can see things of beauty that will remain unaltered only when left alone in my mind.

Burning leaves sculpt a smoky mist over the endless rice field of ripened gold. And the distant mountains provide a silhouetted backdrop for a lonely tree that crests a nearing bounty.

The sky wears a blissful orange monochrome that suggests the long day’s approaching end. And the flickering gloom from a farmer's oil lamp engages in a futile battle with the grayscaled shadows of the approaching dusk.

Like me, *Coldplay is in Trouble - he spun a web and is now tangled up with it.

Unto the horizon, stretches the vast runway, riddled with lamps in basic colors of red, yellow and blue. The instructive glares of the lamps construct a discotheque of rain-driven fireflies before my eyes.

... My mind spins into a wormhole of yesterday and my soul is now traveling far into its virtual realm clattered with his ancient promises... My soul is gasping for air!

A heatwave emerges out of the propellers as the northern wind's innocuous chill, interferes with the mechanism.

The mirage gives birth to a distorted image of him which I will painfully harbor from Gate 4 to the arrival area in Manila (Doors... Gates... Airports, Goodbyes - Such lonely things to think of!)

Such things of beauty I see, I cannot come to grasp!

I cannot come near any nor see just a portion... for such beauty is born only, where everything is seen from a distance like mine.

*Coldplay - an English band vocalist/pianist Chris Martin, guitarist Jonny Buckland, bassist Guy Berryman and drummer Will Champion.

Happy Birthday My Dear Husband

I have thought of how lucky I am for having my husband in my life and there are a million reasons why I think so. Mentioning the most important to me- I really enjoy his company. We both argue a lot about plenty of things (almost anything actually) but I still think that seeing his annoyed behavior is one of those that I miss. He still looks like an angel when he is mad at me. When his eyebrows meet in disapproval, I think he is the handsomest. He always forgets to reply to my text messages, but the rareness of them make me miss him even more. He hates having to wake up in the early morning and answer the phone only to hear my voice in the other end and he always would like to go back to sleep more than talking to me... but his unwillingness to converse with me whenever I wished he would, only makes me yearn to see him even more.

I wish to be that one who will always have to be beside him forever. And I wish, I will never ever go wrong with him forever. I want him to be happy that he is loved by nobody else but me.

A Christmas Flight to Antique

I am now seated at the airport lounge waiting for my flight which will be in 4 hours and a half from now. I have realized how that news I watched last night about stranded passengers at the airport was a bit too exaggerated that I had to run off to the airport 5 hours before my actual departure time. Now, I don’t exactly know what to do to keep myself busy and to forget about the waiting time. I know I can sleep in one of the benches but I am afraid I would wake up only after 100 years. I did not bring any interesting book to read and keep my mind off the thing that is constantly creeping in my mind (that monster again). I admit I am embarrassed in turning my laptop on amidst all these strangers around me but there is nothing else sensible to do in this kind of place but that. So … here I am writing down my thoughts while my eyes are busy over confused, panicky and overloaded passengers at the queue. I could type fast without looking at the keyboards so I think I will enjoy this little thing I am doing now – observing strangers withouth making them notice that I am writing about them. I think doing just that offers the same excitement for me as reading a popular paperback.


I can see two young children wearing exactly the same pair of shorts with the red and white stripes now. They look cute in them I admit, but with both their parents beside them wearing exactly the same make me think twice about the cuteness. This thing also gives me a hint that they are Koreans. I have observed many of them at airports before- couples would gladly want to be identified with each other by wearing exactly the same outfits. I don’t know if this is part of their culture but since I have noticed this in most of the Koreans alone, my doubts remain slim.

How about a touch of springtime with a rose-covered shirt and a butterfly-covered pair of pants on a young lady like her? She looks confused now while talking to the receptionist and I just hope it has got nothing to do with the Christmas weather.

As I am looking to my right, I am noticing a gay trying to push his cart way through the crowd while at the same time trying to project a very feminine kind of fragility. His fingers flaunt a scarlet nail polish dashed with diamond stones (this makes me glance at my own fingernails which needs a little cleaning now) on top of one of his luggage in attempts of preventing the entire pile from toppling down – he failed.

Three young Russian hunks are now seated next to me ( I know they are Russians by the passports the passports in their hands). Two start to plug their laptops to the hubs by the wall and as they are now showcasing the brands of their notebooks, I suddenly feel that its time to keep my one behind its case. ( my laptop is old and has got that little translucent Apple sticker on it which I stuck there 2 years ago to desperately hide the exorbitant emblem of a cheaper-than-Mac- brand).

The gay with those flaming scarlet nails is perhaps thinking how lucky it is to be in my seat now with these three guys- he is now headed to the vacant seat in front of us.

Now I guess it is time for me to sit and wait near the check-in counters just to make sure I get the chance to choose a good seat after being here for more than 4 hours. I am now starting to feel so excited to see my daughter and my mom. Besides, nobody must see the truth behind my laptop's Apple mask

All I want for Christmas ...

I shall have them all one day if not this Christmas. I know I will

James Horner and Hans Zimmer
I wish tickets to seeing them conduct live is available and affordable. I wish I don't have to spend a cent to make my soul dance to their compositions.
















Antique Cuckoo

A Cuckoo Clock will give my home a warmer feel when I see one hung on my living room wall.













Women's chrono

I always wanted to have a chrono watch and I don't want to buy one because I wanted it to be given to me instead. A gift of a timepiece has a very sentimental value to me

Labrador pups. koochieee cooochie cooochhh. This breed is simply lovable!

"The Nightmare Before Christmas " baby Tees

for the little child in me!

But the wonderful things that I could ever receive in my life are really priceless! Only God can give them to me.

Marrying him at a gazebo by the beach during sunset

Having a love child again.

T'was the night before Christmas

To my Attorney: You have stripped me off again of the 13th month pay and the bonus that I got for this year. I am more than sure that you will be having a very nice Christmas dinner with turkey and lamb on your table while I settle for the roasted chicken from Andok's.

Note I hung outside my door : "Ebenezer Scrooge's great grand daughter's residence"

To last year's carolers: Please don't come back again to sing with your accordions. But if you insist, please make sure that you look different this year so I won't recognize you. And oh! Please do something about the tune too. Thank you"

To my daughter: I am sorry my little darling but I don't think mommy can get you a real Hippopotamus for Christmas.

To my brother: Is it possible for you to include my name in your Christmas shopping list too? Please? The last gift you gave me was when you were 5 and I was 6. You gave me a rubber jack stone ball.

To my husband: Your presence is the greatest gift I could ever have this year. Please do get the tickets now. Thank you

To all my godchildren: Please do trust me when I say that gifts from Santa are always way way much better than those from me.

To my friends: Where are you guys?

Dan Fogelberg will sing in heaven!

Everytime I hear Dan Fogelberg's music, I cant help but remember the good old days with my cousins in the province. My cousins and I used to gather around a table that we have set under the StarApple tree, especially during full moons and I always took my guitar with me so we could sing songs till the the night grew cold and the Southern Cross in the night skies tilted to the right. Most of the songs that my cousins played were those of Dan's.

But what can I say? ... "The leader of band is tired".... :o( just when I wish he would be there "Longer" to remind me of the happy days with my cousins that may never even come to happen again - They are all married and are all living far away from home.

Snakes went to bed with me

My brother came over to my place with his girlfriend and stayed for a night. They left this afternoon for the province and things in the house were back again to normal- life of dead silence and boredom.To make things even more dead boring, I decided to sleep. I went on dreaming for about 3 hours and when I woke up, i felt deader than ever.

I had a bizarre dream again. I cannot recall the details but I knew I saw snakes of different colors. There was one with pink and black stripes all over and there were ones that were a mixture of brown and yellow. They were crawling towards me and just before one of them started to bite me, some stranger gladly lifted me up into the air so that it was impossible for the snake to reach me. The stranger appeared to have a tall figure and strong muscles to lift me effortlessly. But I could not see his face. He appeared to be just a silhouette. Whoever or whatever he was, I am sure he was my hero and my protector in my dream.But wait,I also remember how the stranger fell to the ground and bled to death. I fell with him too and I guess I was also dying.

What could this dream mean? It gives me the creeps. I feel that something in my waking life is threatening to cause emotional instability. Perhaps there is some solution that I should carefully think of in order to deal with the threat and I should understand the meaning of the stranger in my dream to do just that.

Have you ever seen a pink snake in your life? Weird - the pink hue did not do much to eliminate my idea of snakes being treacherous creatures. They still appeared scary. Why did my hero have to die and why was I sprawled on the floor with him gasping for breath? How can this dream help me in my waking life?

If I only could...

I couldn’t even be with my precious angel on her birthday yesterday and I deeply regret not having to celebrate her special day with her. I had to work for her and provide her with her financial needs from a faraway city and I am saying that being a single parent is not an easy task at all. Not being with her makes me worry bout lots of things. I know she is in very good hands with my mom but still I know she needs her own mother too. But she and I will be together again soon and I am working hard towards that goal.

I remember how she came into our lives 10 years ago- It was the most precious moment in my life even when I was overwhelmed with uncertainties since my first day of conception. I was in the caesarian section in Seoul Korea and I was totally scared of all those surgical paraphernalia that I saw on the surgeon’s table. I thought, hell, they were going to cut me open. What if they made a mistake and forgot to stitch me up again? What if they dropped the baby? What if the anesthetic lapsed in the middle of the surgery? Whew! Giving birth is no fun. But the sight of your offspring is something beyond words. I thank god that he gave me a very healthy baby. Now I have better reasons to live even when life does not always promise each day to be a joyous one. For my daughter, I always have a song:

If I Could
By: Barbra Streisand

If I Could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
give you courage in a world of compromise
yes I would
If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
and I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
yes I would
if I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
but the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow
so I could let you go
if I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
but I know that I can never cry your tears
but I would
if I could
if I live in a time and place where you don't want to be
you don't have to walk along this road with me
my yesterday won't have to be your way
if I knew
how I'd try to change the world I brought you to
and there isn't very much that I can do
but I would
if I could
if I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
but that part of life I gave you isn't mine
I watched you grow so I could let you go
if, if I could
I would help you make it through those hungry years
but I know that I can never cry your tears
but I would
if I could
yes I would
yes I would
if I could

Emotionally Impoverished

I want to go to a bar and have a little drink with my officemates tonight. I want to unwind a little bit and try not to think of something I really wish I could have- a companion in life, he whom I really love and loves me in return. I know it won’t be very easy as usual because I have tried many times to get rid of the thought but I always ended up crying in bar toilets. Why? Its because I feel that I have tried so hard to get the love I thought I deserve yet I ended up completely abandoned.

It is a very sad feeling to be alone. You end up trying to remember every single moment you’ve been with that someone and all the conversations you had. You wanted to find out where you went wrong and what wrong you have said that drove that someone away forever.

It is very complicated and difficult to find the reasons as to why he is no longer there for you. And what is killing you now is the fact that you are feeling very very lonely every single day in his absence and you cannot do anything to find him. You cannot find means for him to hear your sentiments- he wouldn’t care perhaps.

You know very well that it was a lot different before. When you sent him a text message asking him to call you, you would get to hear his voice in a matter of minutes. When you felt lonely, he knew very well how to assure you that he would be with you again very soon. When you cried, he knew just what to tell you. When you needed something, you no longer had to tell him for he always knew what it was and would do everything to please you.

Now that you don’t have any of these things you have mentioned, you feel so lonely in this world. You feel that your existence is not at all important to anybody. You feel like the whole world has stopped for you. You feel like asking “why lord why?”. You feel like robbing banks so you can get the amount of money it takes to pursue your wishes of having him. You want to pay every single soul in the way so they all connive to get you to the realization of your dreams. You want to do what it takes to make him realize that you have put some efforts into finding him. You want to give him everything he needs in life so he ends up choosing to be with you.

I wont be able to go on with this topic right now as the Apocalyptica music has stopped and my officemate is coughing her bacteria out loud like a dog near me. She is such a party pooper that I can no longer concentrate in what I am trying to write. So, what the heck! Ill have to go have a little party tonight.

Tata for now!

The Omen

I woke up to a dream today. It was a bizarre one that made me feel a bit unusual the entire day through.

I dreamt I was in a strange neighborhood and I was standing in front of a hut where they laid 2 caskets. The caskets were separated from each other by a wooden partition. To the right was a white one with golden trimmings and to the left, a dilapidated silver one. I did not get a chance to see or know who died but I could feel how gloomy their deaths brought.I looked up the skies and I felt the eerie silence of the surroundings. There was no one else around me, nor were there corpses in the caskets but I felt sorrow and confusion while staring at the dark gray skies.

That was it… I woke up with a heavy feeling. But I had to go to work and I was running a bit late again. I had a very busy day at work and I had so much to do which helped me detach myself from the bothering dream that I had.

And it was later in the evening when I received the news that my sister-in-law was found dead in her room- apparently she committed suicide.

I didn’t know how to react to the news but I sure thought about my dream again. It feels so weird to realize that this is the second time I dreamt like this. The last time I did, I also had to wake up to a morning filled with sorrow because someone close to me has died.

Back to my sister-in-law…

I remember that we never spoke much really, nor see each other often. I think I even saw her only once since I got married to her brother. But she would often send me her love through emails and photographs that she would either address to my husband’s inbox or mine.

Sadly, the last time I heard from her was when she sent me this letter:

Dear (my name),

I hope you & (my husband's name) are both well.

I’m devastated right now because Matthew wants to separate from me. He doesn’t love me anymore; he loves me as a good friend but not as a wife (woman). I’m totally crashed & my heart has been broken into million pieces, and I just don’t know right now how I’m going to survive this. He told me that he wants us to separate last Friday. He told me to move out of our house, he is going to keep the house to himself.

I’m staying with my mum right now (I sleep at her place (I visit our house some days during the day)) because I’m in absolute mess right now and even she can’t do much as a mum to ease my pain. I just don’t know how I’m going to live without Matthew because unlike him I love him very much as a husband as well as friend.

(My name), I don’t think you can send me any e-mails to this e-mail address at our home because it's Matt's e-mail account.

Eya

I don’t know how to feel nor react to this. Should I be mad at her for giving up just like that? Or should I blame her husband? Or should I even blame her family who has never been present enough to attend to her emotional needs? I know these are all useless thoughts. Nothing and nobody can bring her back to life anymore. Nobody can be held responsible for her life too but herself.


To Ecoula: May the cause of your death indeed quench the yearning in you to be free from these burdens you have long kept within you while you were still alive. I do understand how it must’ve felt to be abandoned by someone you really love. Wherever you may be right now, I guess it should be better than being here. This world was never meant for ones like you anyway.

By the way, I learned yesterday that the father-in-law of my cousin who is very close to me finally died of cancer. – The white coffin I saw in my dream must be his one.

My self-made theater

This is a brand new page. I created this just a few moments ago. The entries you will find here may not necessarily depict a new chapter of my life but in here you will be able to find topics about anything under the sun- things that my mind give birth to every day. I shall always be true to my own thoughts and feelings when I write in this portion. This perhaps might make this blog different from the rest I have made.

I shall make my soul at home here for a very very long time.

So let me welcome you and myself warmly into this new segment and let me make you a witness to how my soul sings with the wolves and dances with the flames of love. Let me show you how the glorious days of my heart suddenly ebbed with the tides when the ancient person of my heart left me with nothing but memories.

This is what my life is all about... and this is how my thoughts go