When it is too much to ask.

How selfish can my love actually be? I paused and thought of this to myself the entire day...and with all this wayward thoughts I came to a temporary conclusion that I actually built fences around you when I loved you. It didn't actually matter what I declared to you, it didn't matter what I promised you then...I still subliminally wanted you for myself and to myself - to be with me and for me forever. Now ain't that a scary thing to think of? It must have spooked you out of it especially because you weren't as free as anybody should be when  in a relationship with me. If we come to think of it, even single engaged individuals get prenuptial anxieties before d-day despite being overly inlove with the person he or she is about to marry. There is no such thing as a gift of complete freedom when you are inlove. Unspoken as it was in the beginning, I still bled to death by the thought of you going home to her everyday and making love to her physically as you did to me. It given, I still hoped it would be especially different when it came to me because I was not just an ordinary find. I thought you should remember while with her at all times... that nobody can ever fill my spot in your heart because nobody beyond me can be the truest expression of the darkest side of you. I wanted to lock your thoughts up and think of nobody but me. I wanted to make you remember every single move you made while beside me. I wanted you to remember my voice and the warmth of hearing it while you made love to me. I wanted to put you away in a little box and trap you there where I sweetly will find you every single moment of the day. ...Didn't I creep you out of your fantasies?

I never wanted to be there in that position but I ended up being there because my fate spelled it out for me. You had me even from the very first week of our conversation together. Something magnetic made me stay there for you and with you. Something profoundly enigmatic made you come to consummate our affection for each other even when someone has already shackled your status to herself years before someone by my name dominated that beastly desire in you. You were already owned by an owner you also owned. But what logic do I put into such a scenario when you still want to own more even when you have no more inch of freedom to give away at your own will?

You must have had a hard time trying to conceal your desires for someone else while with her. That must have sucked big time when you had to tell her she was every reason you smiled after she caught you daydreaming about someone else. It must have felt stupid to desire me when in reality you are looking at the face of a woman you have committed yourself to for whatever reason you might not have fully understood but attributed to love. Ain't it bothering to think that you actually do not know every single reason why you had to come to a decision at some point in your life? Isn't it annoying that you are constantly pushed to a point that you need to actually make a decision in the first place?

I said my love had no walls, no boundaries. But I was lying to my own soul then. Maybe it is slightly different now but yes, I think I was selfish about you. I thought things I should never have thought of then. After all my mind has no boundaries, right? I committed the most unaccepted sin with you in my mind and in reality. I made love to you over and over and over again. I have consumed you still in my mind and in reality. I wanted you and I desired you to the deepest degree, I could not stop. When I could not get to you, I implode so bad I had to express it to someone whose ears were ready for me at any moment in time. I declared an undying desire that was so sinful by human standards. I wonder what kind of spell was on me that time. I hurt more than you ever imagined simply because I wanted to keep you to myself. You've underestimated my affection and you thought that nobody in that position has the right to feel that way and that tore me to death because perhaps that was so true. You have judged me and took me for granted...and I was greatly humiliated for that desire I brewed in my mind. What ugly love I must have given you that I made you feel it was only right to hurt me. But hey, if given the choice, why would I want to be just the other woman? a reserve? a whore? I did it all for the love. It wasn't a choice. It was a feeling I felt for you and I could only succumb to that strong desire.

Oh my love, if you only cared about any of us, this wouldn't have happened to me, you or her. It is my desire to have owned you in the past and my desire to erase everything for you so you would forget the sin you've so wanted to punish me for. I regret the selfish love I felt and the selfish desires I had for you.

I can't remember the last time I ever did enjoy a foreplay. In fact, I never ever did anymore after you. There is no such that is that anymore. I stare at him now and try to understand why I can't and why I never have that feeling of being at ease as I ever was with you. I cannot just think of myself having to smile sweetly and secretly repeat what I heard in my own head anymore. ...those little triggers that make me wanna just be there alone with you no longer came to me since 7 years ago. There is no such thing as 2 hands clasping my cheek while telling me to drop everything and go to the room and make love the entire day through. I can't imagine myself teasing someone the way I did when I was with you. How ironic. How silly. How strange. How I miss.