Say you do

I dreamed a dream 2 nights ago and I just did not find the chance to write it down since I was a little too upset to do so right away.

I was preoccupied I remember, and I was at a place that seemed to be filled with relatives (both yours and mine). There were two houses facing each other. I was in the other one looking out at the window and directly seeing you from your own window. Funny how brothers always appeared in my dreams lately,. and in this one, I saw two of yours. I don't know them at all in person but I did hear a lot about them from you too. I saw photographs of them too when we were yet in speaking terms. So back to my dream, your youngest brother was talking to me and was telling me about something that I could no longer remember. He kept me busy talking to him but my attention was towards you. I remember how you were looking at me with so much meaning - something like " You are really something po" kind of meaning in your eyes. You seemed to have been amazed that I could do something like whatever I was doing in my dream so that I could come closer to you. But yes it was working in my dreams. You were casting a flirtatious look at me and I understood it as so much yearning that was waiting to be unleashed as soon as the crowd disperses. I got so excited that I could not wait to get rid of everyone in sight. And just as I got out of the door to speak with you, my stupid relatives arrived. Ones who did sabotage everything for me in the first place. Rachele was there I remember. Boy how I hated her when she could not just keep everything to herself despite of her promises to me. I blame her for every misunderstanding that went on between us towards the end of the affair. It is not that I did not perceive at all that the relationship was going to end... but certainly not in that way. It could have been much better. Now as I remember everything, the pain is rekindled. Everyday I live a life hoping that I could turn back the time and fix everything to a certain extent. The things I regret the most  are the ones that lead to you hurling words like that at me. How you have hurt me so bad that I until now carry all these in my shoulders. I think the reason why it hurts so bad because until now, I refuse to believe the truth that you have just played a game on me. I refuse to believe that you can be that nasty. I thought your love for me was pure that no matter what, you would still regard me as someone too dear that you could never hurt me in that manner.  I could have just easily forgotten these and devised ways to make myself feel better about everything. But just for the sake of making myself feel better and for the sake of justifying my acts to someone else like him or her, I never tried to even twist the stories in my head. I never changed everything I have said to you and I never even tried to lie about it. I admit that until now I am so hurt because I do so love you. I cannot simply get rid of the thought and I actually cannot understand why despite of my being an analyst, I refuse to believe the cues that you were showing me before.

so back to my dream again, Rachele stayed on and on and on with her family that I got a little too irritated with her presence. I was not listening to her anyway because in my mind, I was trying to be alone with you already. I smiled at you and I was so very happy to see you smile back at me. That smile I recognize as something you so readily gave me whenever you felt naughty. Haha.

Finally she left with her family and your brothers left too... and so did you. In the end, you did not have the patience to wait for me. I cried there in my dream looking for you and calling for you. I could not bear the pain of not seeing you there when I had so much to tell you and show you.

Now as I write this down.. I really wish hard that you would be able to read this and also send me another sign that yes you do think about me too in some way. 

I have so much in my mind that I so wish I could tell you. My life is never perfect and I only wish I have you as a friend even. Someone who can tell me what to do because you I believe are the only one who knows me in and out. Nobody digs into my soul the way you did and nobody ever did.

Now I just feel like I wanted to kiss in the rain. I am imagining hills and mountains with nobody else there but us. How beautiful that must feel. .. to be able to kiss someone again like that. I have never ever kissed anyone warmly anymore since. How I miss the tenderness of your kisses and the warmth of your embraces. How I miss you.

My stupid phone needs a jailbreak. tsk! I just wish I have some patience in doing so. I don't even understand why I need a stupid jailbreak to just disable the stupid flipping of my screen when I am in bed. Siri is nothing special and I don't know why I have to have this kind of phone even. If it were only possible for me to not view any of my mobile campaigns... I wouldn't even try to type a stupid blog in this stupid itsy bitsy screen.


Oooopps... I have to mind that crease between my brows. Shish. I cannot make it look any deeper than how it seems to look now. As a matter of fact I have been dubbing so much on it already and am spending too much on my beauty regimen every month. I can't afford to let myself down by not getting rid of this particular habit of mine - getting angry and pulling my eyebrows together.

So.. let me think of good things only. Gladly enough, there's always the thought of you, my love. You are still my sunshine. I love how I look when smile at the thought of you. I would often gaze at the mirror and immediately notice how flirtatious my smiles become when I picture you in front of me. Hahah. naughty. but mind you... Im never gonna tell here. After all, these things might not even amuse you anymore. I only think of it for myself and I can only imagine it as how I think it should be.

Goodnight my love. I'm tired after a really long day out. Nice to have an online work sometimes. I can sometimes choose to be away anytime I want. I just have to make sure that my team who is working for me does not let me down.

This is so true! How my heart suffers :(

THERE is no greater grief in misery than to turn our thoughts back to happier times.*

Dante.
* Cf. Goldsmith:
O Memory! thou fond deceiver,
Still importunate and vain;
To former joys recurring ever,
And turning all the past to pain.

Mobile access

I hate touch screens that i find it odd to be blogging now using my mobile. I hate texting and i hate phones. Even this iphone i think, sucks big time. Why do i need a stupid jailbreak even to do simple things such as to disable this freakin flip screen? It makes me wanna throw my phone out of the window now. Soo how was the party my loce? I remember how youd be crazy to get home on this date always. Hehe. Remember how you got so angry when the plane got delayed and your plans got screwed up? I had to find means to book you a flight i remember so tthat you'd be home for your beloved daughter and ofcourse your anniversary. Hehe. It scares me when i start remembering. Anyway. Hope your daughter had a good day.

I felt sooo board while working that I thought of things like... finally accepting (after a long while) the google terms and shifting to the latest blogger platform layout. Grrr.

Still board, I decided to look into thousands of pictures I have in my folder. I indeed have thousands jeez. Ofcourse I never failed to look into my favorite folder - one with photographs taken of us in Baguio and Cambodia :) Ok but since the day is monotonous... photographs that are a year old helped me snap out of sleep a little.  Sharing!... Ooops to myself. I forgot I have disabled link that that will make my blogs searchable haha. So only those who know the direct URL of my blogs will be able to see this. And you if you cared to see it, my love.

in Antique. I Oh borrowed her cousin's puppy and brought it in the front porch so she could show him off to Bettina the Golden Retriever and Calypso the Yellow Labrador. Both very naughty dogs you would even regret leaving them out of their cage for long. My mom's flower pots will be all over the place in the morning and their poo would be right on your doormats too. Shish.

IOh's cat Nugi is gone, and my mom only found out about it when she got back from London. The culprit? - Calypso (naughty looking dog sniffing the pup below). That boy is something else. I remember how I Oh cried her soul out when she found out about her cat after school.

Christine is a very nice dog. We passed her off to my mom as a Dobermann  one night when we got home from a nice trip to the northern part of Antique. She was poorly and sooo tick-infested. We bathed her and brought her to the vet. Below is a photo of her when she got struck with some deadly dog virus. Her vet was the best that we were able to save her.

Christine at 4. She is the only dog allowed inside the porch. She might have been complaining that someone turned her box into a work table. Haha.

Below is me in my corner trying to work my ass out. At least this is how I remember this moment. I might have been just surfing. Last photo below is the spot in the house where I would normally work and doze off hehe