Bring the sun back to me!

My life is a canvas and everyone around me is a painter. Every splash of colour is a rare mixture of emotions and sentiments and every hue is an ordained story of love that makes up an important detail of a life well-lived and well-spent. The entirety of its mood, is a soliloquy on my life and my never ending struggle to properly fit in every walls of expectations.

Your interpretation of what you see in it, is my accomplishment.

Yet, there is one thing missing in this masterpiece – that is a “true love” once found yet suddenly gone. I have lost my talent for understanding my own picture … for the most important artist of my life has bereaved me of life’s most precious Spring.

Tell me again please!

I had another dream last night. I was sitting again with people whom I do not at all recall in the morning. I remember peeking through a very low ceiling and actually seeing a market place that most resembled those I’ve seen in Cambodia. I felt happy that I was looking at something I recognized from long ago that I had to start telling everyone seated next to me about it. Then I heard a familiar voice who confirmed that indeed it was because he has been there. Startled, I looked and there I saw my honey. But of course, he has been there. He lived there. He was smiling at me and talking to me like how he always did. He uttered words filled with so much love and he had eyes that never left my face. In my dream we were married. He was mine and I was wearing his ring. I looked at my fingers and I asked him what he was going to do about his marriage with me that was bigamous. And he only replied: “What matters is that, I am married to you now and this is the one that my heart is honouring. I am with you and not with her. That is what’s important.” Then he opened his arms and invited me in for the warmest hug in the world. While in his arms I could smell the familiar scent of his skin and breath and the familiar warmth of his kisses. I wished I never woke up from it. I felt so home while there. I could still remember the smell of his skin and the warmth of his voice and everything remains only in my memory.

Busted Lines

I came back to Manila with so much enthusiasm for a faster and more reliable connection at home. Only when I was so ready to put up my new blog, I realized #$%^& SMART cut off my broadband at home since I was away for such a long time. I really would like to complain about this because, even as I was away, I always made it a point to pay even through banks just to maintain my connection at home. I have been taking care of my account with them for almost 3 years already. And through the years, I have complained about a dodgy 1000 pesos that suddenly just appeared out of nowhere atop my regular monthly bill. I inquired about it and to every single stupid agent that I spoke with after dialing *1888. Sorry but I am very sure that none of the agents you are able to speak with could really even speak properly with a customer. None of them could even produce a very good reason as to why I have extra payment to make to them when I never even missed paying a single bill. I would be late in paying sometimes especially when I got too busy, but that wouldn't take more than a week. I wonder what these agents really do with the reports I made to them. No solution was made for me on this matter. Now, I just got back from a very long holiday and while I was away, I even paid my bill diligently even when I was not able to use the connection for more than a month. I again expected a new one for this month at home, but when I arrived, there was none on my table. I eagerly came online and realized that they have disconnected my line simply because I came 1 week late for the payment. No bills... no connection... GREAT! And because I am pissed off, they think I would come and pay my current bill again? Never $%^&* mind!

I went straight to Globelines and applied for a new connection. They will be setting it up in 3-5 days from today. Hehe. Till then, I wouldn't be able to fix my blog then. I only bought a stupid prepaid internet card with a connection much slower than the slugs in our garden. I hope this would get through even. I miss everyone online now. I shall return

Getting there soon

This new blog I am creating is really putting my html skills to test. Hahah! I have been online the entire time and I still am not able to figure out how I will be able to make my new template work on Blogger. As soon as I am ready to save the changes in the editor, I simply get this error message that says my page could not be parsed due to errors on my script. Wahuhu... I give up. All I am doing now is simply modifying as much as the templates on Blogger could allow. But I have made some progress at least today. I have successfully modified my banner and I was also able to put up some new contents already. I will be on my way back to Manila tomorrow and I am sure along the way, I will be able to gather something to write about again.

To you my love, I know I will see you in the clouds again and from there, I shall speak to you as though you will be listening to me with all your heart. Clouds will give birth to a form that will only remind me of nobody but you. I love you.

I love him more than he thinks I do. I love him in many ways he has never thought of. I love him like no one else has loved anybody. I love him with all my heart, with all of my might, with all of my life. I wanted to write more about something but my eyes do not allow me to. I shall post more tomorrow.

Where are you?

I found all the videos, letters, email copies, little mementos and phone call records that my honey has given me all throughout our relationship together and I admit that I am tempted to just send it all to him and remind him of the things he has left behind and at the same time prove to her that I do not bluff about anything. I wanted to let everyone know the truth too about our love story in case he has just been lying all the while about us both. ... but then I stopped to think, What's the point? I do not see any point to all these since I know that I was not at all loved nor even cared for as much as I was made to think. I have been in love with a man who never even remembers anything he has done with me. Or worse, he might have even lied about me all the while. It is sad that I am left alone now to just wonder on my own. I could not even expect any answer from him. He has been so very unfair to me and I just wish there would never come a time in his life that he would have to expect the same and he would never get anything at all in return.

Dear Cardinal Zen,
Where are you my dear friend? I miss talking to you. You have never showed up for such a long time already. I wish you would suddenly just emerge from the dead and talk to me again. I am in pain as I always am and today I feel worse since I have nobody to talk to who would understand me as much as you do. How I wish you were god so that you would straight away answer all my prayers and even have the power to give me the thing that I really wanted so much to have. I have nothing to write about today even. I have nobody in my mind but him again. Tell me my dear friend why this is all happening to me? You have many times told me how beautiful I am and how I mean to ones like you, but how come he does not see me in such a way as you do? Why is he not coming to me to explain to me why he has to hurt me like this? Be the reason be bad or good, I still wanted to know.

My dearest friend, I envy your happiness now. I wish I have the same and that I would be very happy too soon. I have seen photos of your new baby. Congratulations and I wish you will always be happy. Take good care of yourself and I wish you more of the things you have now. Cheers mate!

Another blog site will soon rise!

I thought of migrating one of my blogs from Wordpress to Blogger because I believe that it would be much easier for me to maintain all of them using just one dashboard. Besides, I like Blogger more than Wordpress. Wordpress does not allow me to even run Google Adsense or embed any of my stats scripts. Their webstats feature sucks and gives very minimal information on clicks and visits. So, I consider Blogger my home when it comes to blogging. I have started the difficult task of migrating my pages today and I have been sitting in front of my computer the whole day already. My neck now terribly aches and all I did was sit and prepare all the photographs that I will be using for my pages. I haven't even finished the initial contents yet. I definitely could not use the same theme I have been using with Wordpress so I also ended up tweaking my own simple html for my new blog pages . I will be transferring most of my writeups from the other side and I also thought it would be more brilliant to post my adventures in this new blog site instead of just posting it here in this very same url to avoid direct association to my currently used ID and to avoid mixing up the themes of my blogs. In this new blog page I am creating, I intend to mention real names of real people and I do not want these people to start finding me and even find out about my personal life if all they wanted to monitor is the adventure that I have taken with them. In short, this new blog will be window to a totally different side of me. My more personal thoughts still will remain in this particular page, with you my love... always.

A response from the heart

I was writing my blog offline last night in hopes of coping with all the lost online days when I was feeling quite lazy. In fact I was too lazy to even turn on my wifi. I was meant to finish my account of the great adventures I have been to but the moment I sat in front of my computer, every single adventurous thoughts of mine vanished and got replaced by the memories of him. I ended up writing about him instead of the Nangtud Climb or the Punta-Hagdan Kayaking, or even the Guimaras Island Adventure.Funny huh. What's even funnier is that I always turn on my laptop with my adventures in my mind and then the moment I start my sentences, my thoughts of him become more profound. In short, I was again writing about him even last night. While remembering him, I had "the rain and clouds suite" of Bread in my ears. It made things more dramatic in my head and I loved every single moment of it. I have somehow developed this immunity towards the negative ending our story together. Instead, I focus on the good things alone and the beautiful possibilities this world could give me. I know how my possitive mind could sometimes bring me to places I never thought I would be and still keep my memories of him so warm in my heart. Let's take the dream I had of him last night as an example. Who ever thought he would appear again to me in such a way he always would when he and I were still very much on? He was in every scene in my dreams and I could feel how much he tried to stay with me as I wished.

The first scene is so vivid to me now. I was walking through that alley overlooking a field of lush green when I felt my hands so warm in another person's hand. I looked into that hand and immediately realized whom it belonged to. From his hands in my hand, my eyes travelled all the way to his arm, his neck and his face. My heart was leaping with joy when I saw his eyes looking at me so lovingly. Without a word, we walked towards the fields. I could see the smile in his face and the happiness in my heart just overwhelmed me. Then the scene changed. I was alone in my business suit and I was at a railway station. I was trying to wait for something like a car or a cab that would pick me up and bring me to somewhere. Then I have noticed that my phone was ringing. I looked around and I realized that I have left my bag on a bench which was about a hundred meters away from me. It kept ringing and I was running out of time to answer it. I missed that call and all I saw on my screen was a message from a phone number which was not registered in my list of contacts. I read the message which went like:

Sweety, I will be leaving around 4p.m. So by the time you read this message, I might be out already. I miss you and I see you again someday, my love. I promise!

I tried to call him but I realized that I did not have the load on my phone. I ran to and fro to find a shop that did sell the load but everything seemed to be so far away from me. I remember running into women who were modeling something and them asking me to pose for the camera. I saw my own reflection in the mirror and I thought that I did look well enough for the cameras. But then I never agreed to stop and waste time. All I wanted was some direction to a store that surely had the load for me. They pointed me to a store that said " The Old Bar" and as I ran there, I saw lots of people queuing for food. I ran in front of the line and asked if they had the load and they did not. I was so frustrated that I looked up the skies to see if I still had the time. But it was dark already and I did not understand why I still was trying so hard to get the load and try my luck in reaching my honey. Then came the third scene. I saw him dressed in white and he was standing under a tree waiting for me to approach. As I did, he wrapped his arms around me so tight it was hard to breathe.

I woke up and looked all around me. My eyes were welling up with tears in missing him.

All about missing you

Funny how I was trying to write my blogs offline for days, I all of a sudden feel as though I no longer have the drive to go online anymore. It is almost as though I no longer need to come online. For years I have been checking here and there and even trying to open my old email accounts that have been left dormant for such a long long time, in hopes that I could find a trace of his love for me. But I don’t seem to have that luck anymore. Maybe luck comes with age. I know I would be seeing something on Friendster especially in the “who’s viewed me” list, but I prefer not to have a look at all anymore for fear that I would not be able to still accept the fact that he is gone. I now feel like I have totally wasted my time on something I could’ve prevented from happening even before it has started. But what can I do? I was too weak to resist. I thought all the sweet words he has uttered would take me somewhere in my life where I could be totally happy. I thought, whatever we promised each other would all be kept till the end of time. How come now I am alone left to look at the old blue skies high above me and whisper a hopeful message to the moon for him to be back in my arms again? How come he is the only one who feels happy now? How come I no longer know what is going on with him in his life? He no longer cares about me. He no longer sees me in his dreams or even smiles with every single memory he has shared with me. Or is the thought of me ever still sweeping his mind?

I have been home for almost a week already. I am finishing everything that I have to write about my adventure for the past two weeks. I feel happy and at the same time sad remembering my sweety. But then there are a lot of wonderful things I need to write about now. Please bear with me. I shall put them up very soon.,