A Christmas Flight to Antique

I am now seated at the airport lounge waiting for my flight which will be in 4 hours and a half from now. I have realized how that news I watched last night about stranded passengers at the airport was a bit too exaggerated that I had to run off to the airport 5 hours before my actual departure time. Now, I don’t exactly know what to do to keep myself busy and to forget about the waiting time. I know I can sleep in one of the benches but I am afraid I would wake up only after 100 years. I did not bring any interesting book to read and keep my mind off the thing that is constantly creeping in my mind (that monster again). I admit I am embarrassed in turning my laptop on amidst all these strangers around me but there is nothing else sensible to do in this kind of place but that. So … here I am writing down my thoughts while my eyes are busy over confused, panicky and overloaded passengers at the queue. I could type fast without looking at the keyboards so I think I will enjoy this little thing I am doing now – observing strangers withouth making them notice that I am writing about them. I think doing just that offers the same excitement for me as reading a popular paperback.


I can see two young children wearing exactly the same pair of shorts with the red and white stripes now. They look cute in them I admit, but with both their parents beside them wearing exactly the same make me think twice about the cuteness. This thing also gives me a hint that they are Koreans. I have observed many of them at airports before- couples would gladly want to be identified with each other by wearing exactly the same outfits. I don’t know if this is part of their culture but since I have noticed this in most of the Koreans alone, my doubts remain slim.

How about a touch of springtime with a rose-covered shirt and a butterfly-covered pair of pants on a young lady like her? She looks confused now while talking to the receptionist and I just hope it has got nothing to do with the Christmas weather.

As I am looking to my right, I am noticing a gay trying to push his cart way through the crowd while at the same time trying to project a very feminine kind of fragility. His fingers flaunt a scarlet nail polish dashed with diamond stones (this makes me glance at my own fingernails which needs a little cleaning now) on top of one of his luggage in attempts of preventing the entire pile from toppling down – he failed.

Three young Russian hunks are now seated next to me ( I know they are Russians by the passports the passports in their hands). Two start to plug their laptops to the hubs by the wall and as they are now showcasing the brands of their notebooks, I suddenly feel that its time to keep my one behind its case. ( my laptop is old and has got that little translucent Apple sticker on it which I stuck there 2 years ago to desperately hide the exorbitant emblem of a cheaper-than-Mac- brand).

The gay with those flaming scarlet nails is perhaps thinking how lucky it is to be in my seat now with these three guys- he is now headed to the vacant seat in front of us.

Now I guess it is time for me to sit and wait near the check-in counters just to make sure I get the chance to choose a good seat after being here for more than 4 hours. I am now starting to feel so excited to see my daughter and my mom. Besides, nobody must see the truth behind my laptop's Apple mask

All I want for Christmas ...

I shall have them all one day if not this Christmas. I know I will

James Horner and Hans Zimmer
I wish tickets to seeing them conduct live is available and affordable. I wish I don't have to spend a cent to make my soul dance to their compositions.
















Antique Cuckoo

A Cuckoo Clock will give my home a warmer feel when I see one hung on my living room wall.













Women's chrono

I always wanted to have a chrono watch and I don't want to buy one because I wanted it to be given to me instead. A gift of a timepiece has a very sentimental value to me

Labrador pups. koochieee cooochie cooochhh. This breed is simply lovable!

"The Nightmare Before Christmas " baby Tees

for the little child in me!

But the wonderful things that I could ever receive in my life are really priceless! Only God can give them to me.

Marrying him at a gazebo by the beach during sunset

Having a love child again.

T'was the night before Christmas

To my Attorney: You have stripped me off again of the 13th month pay and the bonus that I got for this year. I am more than sure that you will be having a very nice Christmas dinner with turkey and lamb on your table while I settle for the roasted chicken from Andok's.

Note I hung outside my door : "Ebenezer Scrooge's great grand daughter's residence"

To last year's carolers: Please don't come back again to sing with your accordions. But if you insist, please make sure that you look different this year so I won't recognize you. And oh! Please do something about the tune too. Thank you"

To my daughter: I am sorry my little darling but I don't think mommy can get you a real Hippopotamus for Christmas.

To my brother: Is it possible for you to include my name in your Christmas shopping list too? Please? The last gift you gave me was when you were 5 and I was 6. You gave me a rubber jack stone ball.

To my husband: Your presence is the greatest gift I could ever have this year. Please do get the tickets now. Thank you

To all my godchildren: Please do trust me when I say that gifts from Santa are always way way much better than those from me.

To my friends: Where are you guys?

Dan Fogelberg will sing in heaven!

Everytime I hear Dan Fogelberg's music, I cant help but remember the good old days with my cousins in the province. My cousins and I used to gather around a table that we have set under the StarApple tree, especially during full moons and I always took my guitar with me so we could sing songs till the the night grew cold and the Southern Cross in the night skies tilted to the right. Most of the songs that my cousins played were those of Dan's.

But what can I say? ... "The leader of band is tired".... :o( just when I wish he would be there "Longer" to remind me of the happy days with my cousins that may never even come to happen again - They are all married and are all living far away from home.

Snakes went to bed with me

My brother came over to my place with his girlfriend and stayed for a night. They left this afternoon for the province and things in the house were back again to normal- life of dead silence and boredom.To make things even more dead boring, I decided to sleep. I went on dreaming for about 3 hours and when I woke up, i felt deader than ever.

I had a bizarre dream again. I cannot recall the details but I knew I saw snakes of different colors. There was one with pink and black stripes all over and there were ones that were a mixture of brown and yellow. They were crawling towards me and just before one of them started to bite me, some stranger gladly lifted me up into the air so that it was impossible for the snake to reach me. The stranger appeared to have a tall figure and strong muscles to lift me effortlessly. But I could not see his face. He appeared to be just a silhouette. Whoever or whatever he was, I am sure he was my hero and my protector in my dream.But wait,I also remember how the stranger fell to the ground and bled to death. I fell with him too and I guess I was also dying.

What could this dream mean? It gives me the creeps. I feel that something in my waking life is threatening to cause emotional instability. Perhaps there is some solution that I should carefully think of in order to deal with the threat and I should understand the meaning of the stranger in my dream to do just that.

Have you ever seen a pink snake in your life? Weird - the pink hue did not do much to eliminate my idea of snakes being treacherous creatures. They still appeared scary. Why did my hero have to die and why was I sprawled on the floor with him gasping for breath? How can this dream help me in my waking life?

If I only could...

I couldn’t even be with my precious angel on her birthday yesterday and I deeply regret not having to celebrate her special day with her. I had to work for her and provide her with her financial needs from a faraway city and I am saying that being a single parent is not an easy task at all. Not being with her makes me worry bout lots of things. I know she is in very good hands with my mom but still I know she needs her own mother too. But she and I will be together again soon and I am working hard towards that goal.

I remember how she came into our lives 10 years ago- It was the most precious moment in my life even when I was overwhelmed with uncertainties since my first day of conception. I was in the caesarian section in Seoul Korea and I was totally scared of all those surgical paraphernalia that I saw on the surgeon’s table. I thought, hell, they were going to cut me open. What if they made a mistake and forgot to stitch me up again? What if they dropped the baby? What if the anesthetic lapsed in the middle of the surgery? Whew! Giving birth is no fun. But the sight of your offspring is something beyond words. I thank god that he gave me a very healthy baby. Now I have better reasons to live even when life does not always promise each day to be a joyous one. For my daughter, I always have a song:

If I Could
By: Barbra Streisand

If I Could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
give you courage in a world of compromise
yes I would
If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
and I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
yes I would
if I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
but the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow
so I could let you go
if I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
but I know that I can never cry your tears
but I would
if I could
if I live in a time and place where you don't want to be
you don't have to walk along this road with me
my yesterday won't have to be your way
if I knew
how I'd try to change the world I brought you to
and there isn't very much that I can do
but I would
if I could
if I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
but that part of life I gave you isn't mine
I watched you grow so I could let you go
if, if I could
I would help you make it through those hungry years
but I know that I can never cry your tears
but I would
if I could
yes I would
yes I would
if I could

Emotionally Impoverished

I want to go to a bar and have a little drink with my officemates tonight. I want to unwind a little bit and try not to think of something I really wish I could have- a companion in life, he whom I really love and loves me in return. I know it won’t be very easy as usual because I have tried many times to get rid of the thought but I always ended up crying in bar toilets. Why? Its because I feel that I have tried so hard to get the love I thought I deserve yet I ended up completely abandoned.

It is a very sad feeling to be alone. You end up trying to remember every single moment you’ve been with that someone and all the conversations you had. You wanted to find out where you went wrong and what wrong you have said that drove that someone away forever.

It is very complicated and difficult to find the reasons as to why he is no longer there for you. And what is killing you now is the fact that you are feeling very very lonely every single day in his absence and you cannot do anything to find him. You cannot find means for him to hear your sentiments- he wouldn’t care perhaps.

You know very well that it was a lot different before. When you sent him a text message asking him to call you, you would get to hear his voice in a matter of minutes. When you felt lonely, he knew very well how to assure you that he would be with you again very soon. When you cried, he knew just what to tell you. When you needed something, you no longer had to tell him for he always knew what it was and would do everything to please you.

Now that you don’t have any of these things you have mentioned, you feel so lonely in this world. You feel that your existence is not at all important to anybody. You feel like the whole world has stopped for you. You feel like asking “why lord why?”. You feel like robbing banks so you can get the amount of money it takes to pursue your wishes of having him. You want to pay every single soul in the way so they all connive to get you to the realization of your dreams. You want to do what it takes to make him realize that you have put some efforts into finding him. You want to give him everything he needs in life so he ends up choosing to be with you.

I wont be able to go on with this topic right now as the Apocalyptica music has stopped and my officemate is coughing her bacteria out loud like a dog near me. She is such a party pooper that I can no longer concentrate in what I am trying to write. So, what the heck! Ill have to go have a little party tonight.

Tata for now!

The Omen

I woke up to a dream today. It was a bizarre one that made me feel a bit unusual the entire day through.

I dreamt I was in a strange neighborhood and I was standing in front of a hut where they laid 2 caskets. The caskets were separated from each other by a wooden partition. To the right was a white one with golden trimmings and to the left, a dilapidated silver one. I did not get a chance to see or know who died but I could feel how gloomy their deaths brought.I looked up the skies and I felt the eerie silence of the surroundings. There was no one else around me, nor were there corpses in the caskets but I felt sorrow and confusion while staring at the dark gray skies.

That was it… I woke up with a heavy feeling. But I had to go to work and I was running a bit late again. I had a very busy day at work and I had so much to do which helped me detach myself from the bothering dream that I had.

And it was later in the evening when I received the news that my sister-in-law was found dead in her room- apparently she committed suicide.

I didn’t know how to react to the news but I sure thought about my dream again. It feels so weird to realize that this is the second time I dreamt like this. The last time I did, I also had to wake up to a morning filled with sorrow because someone close to me has died.

Back to my sister-in-law…

I remember that we never spoke much really, nor see each other often. I think I even saw her only once since I got married to her brother. But she would often send me her love through emails and photographs that she would either address to my husband’s inbox or mine.

Sadly, the last time I heard from her was when she sent me this letter:

Dear (my name),

I hope you & (my husband's name) are both well.

I’m devastated right now because Matthew wants to separate from me. He doesn’t love me anymore; he loves me as a good friend but not as a wife (woman). I’m totally crashed & my heart has been broken into million pieces, and I just don’t know right now how I’m going to survive this. He told me that he wants us to separate last Friday. He told me to move out of our house, he is going to keep the house to himself.

I’m staying with my mum right now (I sleep at her place (I visit our house some days during the day)) because I’m in absolute mess right now and even she can’t do much as a mum to ease my pain. I just don’t know how I’m going to live without Matthew because unlike him I love him very much as a husband as well as friend.

(My name), I don’t think you can send me any e-mails to this e-mail address at our home because it's Matt's e-mail account.

Eya

I don’t know how to feel nor react to this. Should I be mad at her for giving up just like that? Or should I blame her husband? Or should I even blame her family who has never been present enough to attend to her emotional needs? I know these are all useless thoughts. Nothing and nobody can bring her back to life anymore. Nobody can be held responsible for her life too but herself.


To Ecoula: May the cause of your death indeed quench the yearning in you to be free from these burdens you have long kept within you while you were still alive. I do understand how it must’ve felt to be abandoned by someone you really love. Wherever you may be right now, I guess it should be better than being here. This world was never meant for ones like you anyway.

By the way, I learned yesterday that the father-in-law of my cousin who is very close to me finally died of cancer. – The white coffin I saw in my dream must be his one.