Poor little thingy

Oh my, life has been extra busy for me that I barely have time to speak to myself anymore. I missed you my dearest little corner in the sky. This is where I feel so relaxed after all. Days are like whirlpools in the sea, and home is one heck of a circus with my thriving little ball of energy. LOL. He is such a menace in a cute little way. What fun would it be if you didn't have to say goodbye to toys just 3 minutes after you were forced to buy them?

Unlisted

http://youtu.be/JSbn9E3vPIFw

I am right here my love. I have come a looong way from nowhere but where you are.

My mind is a setting for all things infinite about you that if only I am given a chance to write down all of my thoughts as it randomly happens, i would end up sounding like strings of most uncoordinated stories about just a single topic. Get it?

I keep looking far into our memories together, and I dwell in the beauty of that pain I feel when I miss you. My soul constantly seeks for a love like ours ...nothing can ever be like that with anybody else, my love.

Here's to that somewhere you and I will ever be for each other.

How I feel right now

... is exactly how this song sounds like.






Lyrics:
Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame...
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

So in the end
I'll be what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say goodbye
We say you didn't try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame...

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost
You can never go home
You are lost
You can never go home

Rewind

Nice weight I put on years back and find hard to shed off. Oh my. 

Nothing is impossible in my dream

Just as I veered away from the constant thought of you, I had to dream. It's like, there is this force that draws me back to this ancient road whenever I stray from it. It is very strange.

I sat in a room and there she was. She was staring at me from head to toe. I felt uneasy as I almost knew what was going in her mind and I was unsure of what she might be capable of doing next. I was silent. There was dead silence in the room. But there weren't just her and I. There was you too, in the other end of the room, looking at the two of us with such indifference in your face. I am not sure why you had that look too but it was perhaps because my subliminal thoughts just auto-completed the vast emotional void between us both. It's been a while since I last saw you. I almost forgot how you looked in person.

She asked me gently to please sit in front of her. I cautiously did, and then she reached for my hand and smiled at me. I got surprised because perhaps I knew that she wasn't like that as I knew her. Only ofcourse in my dream, I didn't know about the waking life. I wasn't aware I was dreaming.

She spoke to me and said: I know everything. I know he loves you. So I can't do a thing. I need to let him go.

I never spoke a word to her in return. So many things came jumbling in my head. They spun...they churned. I looked at you again, and you stared back at me but that was a very questionable look. I thought silently to myself.." errhhmm.... so where's the catch?"

She took my hand and asked you to come closer to me too. Then we joined hands together and prayed. (let's insert my waking life reaction here: Huwaaaaaaaaatt? LOL. Oh my. This is getting more absurd and crazy than I thought hahhaha)

then everyone stood up. I didn't know where the witnesses came from and it was definitely illogical to think about  how I rose from where I sat and suddenly saw a bunch of other strangers there in that room with us without me noticing them right from the start.

....you were suddenly not in that room. She suddenly said to me to find you outside waiting for me. So I opened the door to a strange looking backyard. It had huge oak trees there. There was this swing and you were there sitting and looking at me. As I tried to approach you...I woke up.

Oh my. what the heck was this dream all about? hahha. The dream world has gone crazy. I never even think about these things anymore. How the heck would everyone have a totally different personality in my dream? Wow. Perhaps my desires make no wonders. Gosh... this is life threatening hahhaha.

How are you, my love?

There are days that I just don't feel like coming here and writing about anything. But most of the time I do think about this realm. I know that I oftentimes come here only to write about my thoughts and not to describe about how I really am doing ... but yes.. it's because I think a lot about things I can never share with anybody that I often think of this place and want to come here to write them all down as often as I wish I could.

I dreamed about you quite often these days. I wonder why ofcourse because ... I cannot think of any reason why I wouldn't all the way everyday for such a long looooong time since I think about you always anyway. Is it because...you think about me too lately? Or... is it because .. you miss me too? Or... do you hate me more than ever that you would just want to torture me with my stupid dreams of yearning . And that you'd just laugh after learning about it because it isn't so true at all to you... and that you know I'd be sitting up staring into the blank horizons wondering exactly why I'd ever see you in my dream again and yet wish the answer is all about the good things I dream of when with you after all these time?

Dream 1....

it started at that moment when you perhaps finished talking to me.. and I was the one who said.. "Ok honey, I'll just text you where I am going to wait for you. So please be safe here. I'll see you soon my love" .... You never uttered a word at all. You just looked at me in agreement. For all I remember.. I was in a public bus all the way to nowhere. And then out of the blue, I remembered that 30 minutes had lapsed and I forgot to text you where I was going. I turned to my phone in panic.. knowing in the back of my head that I am missing you so much and I so terribly would want to see you already. But as I tried to find your phone number... I realized I don't have it in my phone. I could not reach you. I stared out of the window witnessing how my bus was moving farther and farther into a distant nowhere..moving farther away from you.

Dream #2...

I was back in that hotel that only existed in my past dreams and never in reality. There was you and I happy together. We were staring at each others eyes loving each other as much as we used to. I opened my eyes and I was in that shore where you first saw me in my dream. You were wearing white and I was in that raft. I was sent back to a distant past where I could've changed everything about us....where you could've said something else instead of " I am home"

Now.. I really am confused my love. I don't know why after all this time... my mind and heart always go for you. It is not like I am always unhappy about what I have now. But I am living a life that lucks something far deeper than the love this moral world ever knows simply because I can't have you. You are not mine here in this waking world. But why does my soul reach out for that kind of joy who recognizes only you and your name? How my name should sound far sweeter in my ears if only I wake up one morning hearing you saying my name over and over again. As you make love to me.
I miss you so much my love.

I forget you're married.

Oh boy I am completely worn out. I have had such a hectic week and even when it's weekend... I feel like it's Monday.

I work hard I know, but my work does not at all interfere with my thoughts of you. It must sound very ridiculous but my golly it does fee stupider to suddenly be aware in the middle of some analytics about a game that I set up on Google Play and iTunes app store,  that I am actually staring at a photo of you in the deepest most secret folder in my hard drive. Amidst the total chaos of my present life... I have a total jungle in my mind and heart. It is truly wild in there. There's you and I kissing and making love (insert the Skype message I just got from my client right here) .... and there's me again forgetting all about the thought that you have an oblivious wife probably dreaming the same dream as I do right now.

.... sad...sad.

It sure is so hard being someone in the shadows. You get overly emotional when you see little stories and conversations about love on tv. I have downloaded the whole few seasons of "Friends" and whenever I watch an episode... my mind just wanders away with you. I think..it must be fun to sit down and cuddle in a couch with you while watching my favorite show.

How sad it is to be married and still being lonely because the one man you love is away somewhere and most probably not thinking about you at all while he's laughing away somewhere over the thought of his own family.

Lord, you know how I think. And perhaps..I can go astray... but I'm sure I am not at all that bad. Or am I?

Mea Culpa

What does the sign in the billboard say?

I wanna sleep a very lengthy sleep. And wake up being happily married to you. My mind is killing me. What the heck is the matter with me? I must be insane living my life in a realm that no one would understand. But hey... I'd be glad if your soul does know what exactly I am talking about.

I do.

Missing you is intense ...but never so fun.

When the feeling is intense... you just don't know where to place your mind. His name just rings from corner to corner...from the ceiling down to the floor. You go crazy... you just can't stop. You do a little stalking...you ram through old files till you have an idea of which keyword to use. OMG there are other people who share the same name with him... and you get very curious as to how they might look like...so you go through the IMAGE section of Google for results based on exactly the same keywords - that's his name. You smile..and you get even more curious as to who can be sharing the name that you might have once you are married to him. Gosh and there in fact is someone with the lucky name too? I hate her. ...so I had to just look at the images too... and boy am I glad that she doesn't look any like me. In fact, Id be the most beautiful one with his name appended to mine.


baby come back to me. the satellites cannot show me exactly where you are at right now.

Thinking out loud

It has grown a lot too silent these days for me. It is very very quiet that I could literally hear my heartbeat and my digestive process inside this annoying flab that Brother Time gives me as a gift on a daily basis. I hate this gift the most. ...and this is aside from this endless aching inside me for you whom I never ceased to think of every single moment of the day.

They say Brother Time will always teach me a lesson and I know that very well. But he never can teach me how to stop this intense emotional attachment I have to the whole idea of YOU in my life. When I look into the past, I end up seeing only the good things about you and how you've made me happy, and that affects my present. God, help me with my thoughts. I must sound so evil but I do believe this is common. I hate being common and I cannot settle for anything this common thoughts might bring me.

So... I wanna think my "evil" thoughts out loud now. I repeat..these are just my thoughts that will sound too evil only to someone who isn't me. hehe.

When we first made love... I wanted to keep you there forever. I intended it that way. I could not even stop thinking about it until now. Yes, until now. I want you. ..All to myself baby. I seriously am me and I haven't changed a bit since we first spoke and met. We are destined for each other and the stars always spell out our names together. Nobody else outside this dream really matters. Nobody else matters.

Make love to me. Again. You won't feel the same about anyone else in your life about this act, unless you are with me. .. unless you do it with me.

Life must suck a little bit somewhere too

I have been thinking a lot all my life, and I just don't understand anymore why I am not able to put them all into writing. Sometimes when I log into this account, everything that was in my thoughts that I thought I'd like to share, vanishes into thin air. I must be weary of everything. ... But I don't wanna stop coming in here to write and hope that you would come by to read them. After all this blog is like a little invisible room in my house where I can just be myself.

I shed off all of the clients that made my life miserable lately. Well... some I got rid of happily, but there is this one that I just lost that I'm all so upset about, and it's not all entirely my fault. I just happened to have an overly excited project manager who could not stop daydreaming while my outsourced programmer from India couldn't in fact move his ass a little faster with the programming. And oh my god, the visual output really sucked. Whew! ... So there goes my dream about hitting the 223-Clients- Mark for a trip to Universal Studios in California early next year. Huhu.

Celebrate oh dear heart!

Here's to you my love. Today is the day when all of the stars align just for me. How could I ever forget that? Nothing about my romantic thoughts is beautiful without you. You are my soul and my very reason for my happiness. Today is my day. I shall celebrate a memory filled with nothing but the sweetest YOU! 

Mired

He is with me everyday. ... But then I look at him and it is sad to see nothing but your face. He has done absolutely nothing that would make me think about you more often than I should. But I close my eyes and I see nobody there but you. Every corner of my thoughts is filled with memories of you. Absolutely no detail is missed when it comes to my own imagery of you.

Inside me is an unquenchable lust for a man whose name I cannot attach to mine... Inside me is a burning furnace of love and longing for the he whose name I cannot declare in the presence of anyone but me. My mind screams your name everywhere I go. My dark being yearns for union with a man whose flesh I could taste in my tongue..whose soul I could lay to rest in the deepest realm of my being. He makes every woman in me, burn in endless desire for...FREEDOM and Mortal LUST...and LOVE.

Nothing is unacceptable in my world! ...  Not even my love for a wedded man.

...My memories of you

... opening the old folders of an ancient storage...

How beautiful you look in that youthful feature. Your eyes... you did not always wanna show it ..for they hide an endless air of mystery that would only give up itself to a soulmate like me. I drown myself again in endless yearning for the only love that understood the deepest core of my boundless thoughts. I will never find another love like this. Never have I loved anyone like this. Never will this falter.Never my love.

To whom I should gladly belong

I look behind me... I see you. I look beside me.. I see him...

I look In front of me... And I see a confusing array of not so very happy kind of instances id rather not go through without you by my side. 

Where do I belong in the scheme of things? Why is nobody claiming ownership over me when I so readily wanted to belong? 

Yes, I am playing this forbidden game. The man that I love cannot give me his name. 

Moonrise...Thereafter.

It doesn't feel like summer tonight. The air is blowing springtime chills in the corners of my thoughts. The last summer did not feel like this - it was a lot warmer than the coldest heart I kept in my bosom. But tonight is different. My presence in the shores of my childhood beach at 2:am used to be a common occurrence only in my mind. ...but tonight...is different. 

The moon rose in the eastern side of the sea. I could see silhouettes of fishermen and their boats gracing the still waters of the moonlit sea. How romantic this must be for a backdrop of a beautiful wedding. 

Has anyone been married at 3am in the morning by the sea? 

I stuck my chin to smell the air...and I felt the warmest kiss on my lips. Behold! my thoughts have given birth to you. Drown me and keep me there. 

Let It Rain (Again)

I looked at the thick curtain of rain outside my window and as I did, I imagined things that maybe behind the seemingly impenetrable optical haze before me. I'd like to just run through the darkness and then know that I could just do that because I am going to end up in  your arms anyway. Still, what a surprise that would be. I'd still be surprised even when I already knew you would be there!.. And then my tears of joy will be engulfed in this beautiful rainy torrent. This is a beautiful dream.

And this dream makes me live on even when I know that you are long dead. I find that strength in me when I am with you in my dreams.

And so my heart remains drenched with eternal love for the nimbus clouds high up above me. In sorrow I am inspired to seek more rain than the sun. In the rain...I have you. In the dark skies, I form images of you. In the grayness of the day, I see happiness for you and with you. In the darkness... you are alive. In the gray corners of my mind, you lurk eternally. You never grow old, you never fail. I miss and love you in the rain. Let me kiss you in there...endlessly.

I dream a dream.. that one day... I shall see my name on a billboard somewhere.

Zhazha,

" Will you marry me?" ______


I know it is a distant dream that may not even be a reality at all. But I see visions of how it could be if only that day would come.

... and if allowed just one possession

... I would pick her from the garden to be MINE.

Wow!!!... Im so blown away by the lyrics of this old song. I picture you singing this for me my love - the ancient person of my heart.

She's faced the hardest times you could imagine
And many times her eyes fought back the tears
And when her youthful world was about to fall in
Each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of all her fears
And a sorrow no one hears still rings in midnight silence, in her ears

Let her cry, for she's a lady
Let her dream, for she's a child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

And if by chance I should hold her
Let me hold her for a time
But if allowed just one possession
I would pick her from the garden, to be mine

Be careful how you touch her, for she'll awaken
And sleep's the only freedom that she knows
And when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe
The way she's always paying for a debt she never owes
And a silent wind still blows that only she can hear and so she goes

Let her cry, for she's a lady
Let her dream, for she's a child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

Read more: Skylark - Wildflower Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

That's my love right there.

Today, I saw a video of you talking to a bunch of enthusiasts and the feeling  sprung from within me agian. Indeed your facial features have changed... But my love for you remains the same. Those droopy eyes that looked at me with so much lust and love...the ones that kept me burning with so much desire for no one else but you for years and years... that same hair that grew strands of gray..those lips that whispered your deepest affection in my ears as you made love to me.... those memories you've left behind.

Come to me my love. Come to me in my dreams again. My heart yeilds. My heart dies in want for you.

Exactly how my heart screams it all in silence.

I found this article today, and I just let out a sigh of relief knowing that somehow somebody said it all oh so rightly. Read it my love .

Yup.. Demonizing mistresses gives philandering men a free pass, when in reality no mistress becomes one without a man violating his marriage vows

Love is yours when you have it.

Love distorts everything. When you are in love with a married man, you know how to see beauty in every mess he makes. There is this organization in his mess that you know you wanna be a part of. No matter how much you don't want to admit it...the little smile in your face would give you away.

Love is ironically something you never asked for. So when you don't understand why only now? ...Well... true love is something you never asked for ...something you'd never know when it is going to come to you.

It makes me ashamed of what I became with him....but it is beyond my control.

The new love I found in the ancient "him"

I forgot how it is to be here. Imagine me forgetting even my login details.

I perhaps have lost it. No, not the Love, but the drive to write about it.

I have set this account to be "unsearchable" in any search engine, and un-associated to any of my personal profiles online, so that I can come here anytime to talk to myself. Here I feel like just any high school girl who would giggle or cry when writing her diary. Here... I am alone with him. In here.. I can think of locking the pages with a key..and putting it away where my brother can never find it.

What is this feeling I feel in the back of my head always? I feel like something has been rekindled from a distant past and is making a comeback in the form of exactly the same man. Lol. I might not be making any sense to you if I said this to you, but it definitely means everything in my mind right now.

Throw back the past decades in here: 

.... I am beginning to like his mess. It was all very very wrong. I wanted to be one of his things. I wanted to be ..picked up and put down again and again. I wanted to be treated by his hands...according to some ...sophisticated principle that I don't understand. I want him to touch me and be handled by his hands.

Got a new hair cut LOL. i thought it'd make me look younger. Huhu. Time.. since when did I start chasing you? Since when did you last stop running after me?