Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Far and Lost
Cardinal Zen, are you still "Far from home" like me? I listen to the 4th album of "Dreams" series of Cafe del Mar that you gave me over and over again in my car and I must say that your music just makes me want to go home to where my soul gladly belongs. The journey in my mind is well-expressed by the music you have arranged. It feels like... you made it just for me. I'd like to make it mine.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Bring the key
It is 12 degrees outside and the place is bustling with so much people. I don’t know where they all came from and I am not sure whether they have the same reason as I do for being here. It was more than 2 years since I last came here, and I could recall clearly just as though it only happened yesterday, the events that transpired in some places that I have visited and will be visiting again today.
Burnham Park, the place doesn’t seem to have anything special to it anymore. It didn’t have anything special to it in the first place really. Especially today, it is just a park with all those trees that seem to look so tired of being just there and not anywhere else. Even the lake within the park doesn’t look as romantic to me at all as how I read about it in my textbooks way back during my elementary years. Its waters are murky, but not that kind of murky-murky caused by some moss that the place has gladly accumulated in hundreds of years. It doesn’t have that tranquil and glassy green tinge to it. It is simply brown with earth and dust blown in by the gusty December winds and God knows whatever winds.
I prefer to sit here in the car and just look around through the window. It sure feels much better to be alone here than to be amidst a throng of strangers who nevertheless seem to not care about the chaotic combination of old pine trees and smoggy air. I am wondering how the natives might feel about all these unnecessary tourists who always do a great job in turning the entire place into a huge garbage bin. What a shame. I am sure it is these tourists that gradually turned this place into a horrible spot. Thus they call it a “tourist spot”.
I came here to Baguio to relax and have fun away from the overly crowded cities of Manila. I came here to feel the same air I felt when he was still here with me. But then… what happened to the air around me? I see nothing but spoilers. I see cars and jeepneys everywhere. And since the place consists of hills and cliffs, every single car engine had to exude more fumes in twice the effort to climb and get to somewhere. They turned the sweet smelling air into a dreadful mixture of car exhaust, horse dung (tolerable than the car exhaust), roast corn and charring dried squid.
That was the tree he took a photo of. By then, it had lots of reddish flowers dangling along with its vine-like leaves. It has no such flowers this time. Nor does it have him seated on a bench underneath its shade. How much better could it be to look and see him beside me now?
I mounted a horse. His name is Winisty. I find it a little awkward for a name given to a male horse but then… what the heck! He is a lovable horse. He was very obedient and he eagerly walked me through the hills to Minesview Park for a good 1 hour. Winisty, like an answer to my prayers that my honey should give me a sign that he is always there, walked me through a familiar yellow structure that I once stayed in. In so much awe, I stroked Winisty’s mane and whispered thanks to him. I saw the hotel that has rooms with white balconies overlooking the pine trees of Wright Park. I could not pinpoint the exact balcony he and I stood from in our happier days together, but whichever that is, he and I had a lovely time there together. I need not say more about this hotel as it brings in so many memories that would make me sadder than I already feel now. I just took a picture of it. Blurry as I was yet on Winisty’s back.
Mines View Park did not prove to be a tranquil place today and I don’t think it ever will be the same solitary and peaceful spot as it was before. The place is simply swarmed with people and buried in thick layers of dust and litter. I no longer like Mines View Park. I did not go any step farther from the entrance. I did not want to see the rice terraces over numerous and countless heads.
That lamp post, I was there when I called him the last time I was here in this place with workmates Blessy and Jerome. He was very happy to hear me but I could also sense that he was running out of time with me. He is drifting far into endless realms of responsibilities and commitment to his one true love who will never be me. I could no longer refute that now, no matter how much he told me he loved me more than her. If he did, he wouldn’t have denied me badly, nor would he have said those things to me. If what he said were true about his love for me, he would’ve left more gracefully than any ordinary lover would. He would’ve taken care of my heart and made me feel that he really had to do what he did for it was the most sensible thing left for him to do. He would’ve made me understand in the most humane way. He wouldn’t have made promises to me that would contradict what he really would’ve intended to do in the end. He wouldn’t have come to me and made me the centre of his sun only to leave me like this.
I hate Baguio. I will never ever come to this place again. Not alone… nor with anybody I would ever love lesser than I love him. I don’t understand how impossible it is for me to even think there would ever be another. He wasn’t perfect. He broke my heart into billions of pieces… but I could only wish for none but him for my soul to be raised from this seemingly endless turmoil.
Another year has come to an end. And I could only drift far away from everyone who ever loves me. I have no much time to give them back anything they deserve from me. I am running out of time. The years have left so quickly leaving me with nothing but 33 years of reminiscences that only grew heavier towards the end. The last of the gifts in Pandora’s Box is still locked in. How could I have “Hope” for him?
Please … let the last gift come for me!
(Forgive the quality, I was on the horse when I took this)
Burnham Park, the place doesn’t seem to have anything special to it anymore. It didn’t have anything special to it in the first place really. Especially today, it is just a park with all those trees that seem to look so tired of being just there and not anywhere else. Even the lake within the park doesn’t look as romantic to me at all as how I read about it in my textbooks way back during my elementary years. Its waters are murky, but not that kind of murky-murky caused by some moss that the place has gladly accumulated in hundreds of years. It doesn’t have that tranquil and glassy green tinge to it. It is simply brown with earth and dust blown in by the gusty December winds and God knows whatever winds.
I prefer to sit here in the car and just look around through the window. It sure feels much better to be alone here than to be amidst a throng of strangers who nevertheless seem to not care about the chaotic combination of old pine trees and smoggy air. I am wondering how the natives might feel about all these unnecessary tourists who always do a great job in turning the entire place into a huge garbage bin. What a shame. I am sure it is these tourists that gradually turned this place into a horrible spot. Thus they call it a “tourist spot”.
I came here to Baguio to relax and have fun away from the overly crowded cities of Manila. I came here to feel the same air I felt when he was still here with me. But then… what happened to the air around me? I see nothing but spoilers. I see cars and jeepneys everywhere. And since the place consists of hills and cliffs, every single car engine had to exude more fumes in twice the effort to climb and get to somewhere. They turned the sweet smelling air into a dreadful mixture of car exhaust, horse dung (tolerable than the car exhaust), roast corn and charring dried squid.
That was the tree he took a photo of. By then, it had lots of reddish flowers dangling along with its vine-like leaves. It has no such flowers this time. Nor does it have him seated on a bench underneath its shade. How much better could it be to look and see him beside me now?
I mounted a horse. His name is Winisty. I find it a little awkward for a name given to a male horse but then… what the heck! He is a lovable horse. He was very obedient and he eagerly walked me through the hills to Minesview Park for a good 1 hour. Winisty, like an answer to my prayers that my honey should give me a sign that he is always there, walked me through a familiar yellow structure that I once stayed in. In so much awe, I stroked Winisty’s mane and whispered thanks to him. I saw the hotel that has rooms with white balconies overlooking the pine trees of Wright Park. I could not pinpoint the exact balcony he and I stood from in our happier days together, but whichever that is, he and I had a lovely time there together. I need not say more about this hotel as it brings in so many memories that would make me sadder than I already feel now. I just took a picture of it. Blurry as I was yet on Winisty’s back.
Mines View Park did not prove to be a tranquil place today and I don’t think it ever will be the same solitary and peaceful spot as it was before. The place is simply swarmed with people and buried in thick layers of dust and litter. I no longer like Mines View Park. I did not go any step farther from the entrance. I did not want to see the rice terraces over numerous and countless heads.
That lamp post, I was there when I called him the last time I was here in this place with workmates Blessy and Jerome. He was very happy to hear me but I could also sense that he was running out of time with me. He is drifting far into endless realms of responsibilities and commitment to his one true love who will never be me. I could no longer refute that now, no matter how much he told me he loved me more than her. If he did, he wouldn’t have denied me badly, nor would he have said those things to me. If what he said were true about his love for me, he would’ve left more gracefully than any ordinary lover would. He would’ve taken care of my heart and made me feel that he really had to do what he did for it was the most sensible thing left for him to do. He would’ve made me understand in the most humane way. He wouldn’t have made promises to me that would contradict what he really would’ve intended to do in the end. He wouldn’t have come to me and made me the centre of his sun only to leave me like this.
I hate Baguio. I will never ever come to this place again. Not alone… nor with anybody I would ever love lesser than I love him. I don’t understand how impossible it is for me to even think there would ever be another. He wasn’t perfect. He broke my heart into billions of pieces… but I could only wish for none but him for my soul to be raised from this seemingly endless turmoil.
Another year has come to an end. And I could only drift far away from everyone who ever loves me. I have no much time to give them back anything they deserve from me. I am running out of time. The years have left so quickly leaving me with nothing but 33 years of reminiscences that only grew heavier towards the end. The last of the gifts in Pandora’s Box is still locked in. How could I have “Hope” for him?
Please … let the last gift come for me!
(Forgive the quality, I was on the horse when I took this)
Back after 5 days
I woke up earlier than the birds to get ready for my procedure at the Makati Medical Center. Funny that I forgot again to set my alarm to go off by 4am when my doctor instructed me to be there before 6. The air is chilly at dawns of December and January that my cardigan was not enough to keep me warm from my already shivering body. I wasn't feeling well through the months that came and went, and I was definitely feeling worse through the 30km journey from my place to Makati. I was anxious about me running late for the scheduled operation on me and I was anxious about having to leave this world again for good 2 hours.
It was so nice to feel the morning breeze from the pulled-down windows of the car while on my way to the hospital. And it was mesmerizing to witness the sunrise slowly peeking through the feathery clouds in the distant horizon. I knew how beautiful the world is especially when you see the mornings and define it from his perspective - Windows ME
In the waiting room, just before I was brought to the operating room,I could see all 5 nurses dressed in proper surgical gowns waiting to prepare me for the procedure. They asked me to slip into the familiar blue gown moments before they secluded me from the rest of the patients,helped me tie the ribbons at my back and fastened my hair with the surgical cap. When the young nurse came to set my dextrose, I slowly felt anxiety and fear creep through my veins.
The 2 shots they gave me just before I saw my doctor and the anesthesiologist come in, sent really cold perspiration through my skin. It was so excruciating that I almost wanted to give up. There was nobody beside me for they wouldn't be allowed in the operating room with me... I felt simply scared.
I knew that I would pass out anytime and that I wouldn't have no idea what will go on in the world without me. What if I never woke up anymore? What would become of the world without me? Will anybody miss me? I always had a successful procedure... but what if this one won't let me through?
It is Christmas in 2 days, and there I was... seeing nothing but the ceiling and thinking of nobody but him. How I missed him.. how I wished he would feel it too. How I wished he would remember me on Christmas day, even when he used to be so far away during the same occasion. He would always hide himself from me during Christmas... I would always miss him just as I would miss him until now.
I was also in that very operating room with Ocean. How I wished I could turn back the time. By then... Daddy would know Ocean.
It was so nice to feel the morning breeze from the pulled-down windows of the car while on my way to the hospital. And it was mesmerizing to witness the sunrise slowly peeking through the feathery clouds in the distant horizon. I knew how beautiful the world is especially when you see the mornings and define it from his perspective - Windows ME
In the waiting room, just before I was brought to the operating room,I could see all 5 nurses dressed in proper surgical gowns waiting to prepare me for the procedure. They asked me to slip into the familiar blue gown moments before they secluded me from the rest of the patients,helped me tie the ribbons at my back and fastened my hair with the surgical cap. When the young nurse came to set my dextrose, I slowly felt anxiety and fear creep through my veins.
The 2 shots they gave me just before I saw my doctor and the anesthesiologist come in, sent really cold perspiration through my skin. It was so excruciating that I almost wanted to give up. There was nobody beside me for they wouldn't be allowed in the operating room with me... I felt simply scared.
I knew that I would pass out anytime and that I wouldn't have no idea what will go on in the world without me. What if I never woke up anymore? What would become of the world without me? Will anybody miss me? I always had a successful procedure... but what if this one won't let me through?
It is Christmas in 2 days, and there I was... seeing nothing but the ceiling and thinking of nobody but him. How I missed him.. how I wished he would feel it too. How I wished he would remember me on Christmas day, even when he used to be so far away during the same occasion. He would always hide himself from me during Christmas... I would always miss him just as I would miss him until now.
I was also in that very operating room with Ocean. How I wished I could turn back the time. By then... Daddy would know Ocean.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Christmas Party
There were 2 buses carrying all of us to White Rock at Subic during our company Christmas party. We really had fun as there were really plenty of us. I sure do miss everyone from my old work but then life has to go on for me. I had to be with a new bunch of people of different nationalities too.
Friendster Philippines was with us too. I need not say much about their relationship with our company for I'm sure one could read more about it through our corporate site. I am not so into going through the details of the event but here are some photographs.
More photographs to come... too sleepy now.
Friendster Philippines was with us too. I need not say much about their relationship with our company for I'm sure one could read more about it through our corporate site. I am not so into going through the details of the event but here are some photographs.
More photographs to come... too sleepy now.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Goodbyes are not forever
On the day which was exactly the 2nd year of the last day I have set eyes on him (hehe... starting this sounds very complicated even), I woke up to a dream. It was strange because it was like a dream to remind me of something I did not completely understand through the course of our relationship.
I saw him wearing exactly the same clothes he wore when I first met him. But I did not run to him as I actually did on that day. Instead, I just sat far away and stared at him and studied the expressions on his face- I found nothing there. He was just staring blankly into space like a stranger who did not have to be there to meet me. I showed myself to him and I saw how he looked so sadly at me. He did not utter a word but I could see the lines of sorrow and regret under his eyes. I wanted to run to him after I realized that he actually recognizes me. But I was tongue-tied and stuck to where I was standing. I was trying to define the kind of regret I saw in his eyes. I was hoping that the sorrow I saw in his face was about nothing but the thought that he might miss me too.
I woke up and did nothing but stare into the vast horizon hoping to find the answers I never had eversince he left. Then I felt the same intensity of sorrow I once had when I first heard the most disturbing utterances from his own lips... and then I had to F#$%^cry again.
I don't cry because I pity myself. I do because I feel sorrow for having been put in a dreamworld and kept oblivious of the fact that I was actually in a dreamworld, only he has created for me. That dreamworld was the best while it lasted and all I could do now is not just look back for the sake of looking back and smiling at the memories.
I look back because I wanted to go back to my dreamworld again. I'd like to remember the days that totally made me happy and made me forget about the harsh realities of life. With him beside me, my heart was euphoric- I thought of nothing else.
As per your comment there my friend, I cannot promise looking back… and not having to have the thoughts of rekindling old flames. Because , like a moth, I am attracted to any jade luminosity.
I saw him wearing exactly the same clothes he wore when I first met him. But I did not run to him as I actually did on that day. Instead, I just sat far away and stared at him and studied the expressions on his face- I found nothing there. He was just staring blankly into space like a stranger who did not have to be there to meet me. I showed myself to him and I saw how he looked so sadly at me. He did not utter a word but I could see the lines of sorrow and regret under his eyes. I wanted to run to him after I realized that he actually recognizes me. But I was tongue-tied and stuck to where I was standing. I was trying to define the kind of regret I saw in his eyes. I was hoping that the sorrow I saw in his face was about nothing but the thought that he might miss me too.
I woke up and did nothing but stare into the vast horizon hoping to find the answers I never had eversince he left. Then I felt the same intensity of sorrow I once had when I first heard the most disturbing utterances from his own lips... and then I had to F#$%^cry again.
I don't cry because I pity myself. I do because I feel sorrow for having been put in a dreamworld and kept oblivious of the fact that I was actually in a dreamworld, only he has created for me. That dreamworld was the best while it lasted and all I could do now is not just look back for the sake of looking back and smiling at the memories.
I look back because I wanted to go back to my dreamworld again. I'd like to remember the days that totally made me happy and made me forget about the harsh realities of life. With him beside me, my heart was euphoric- I thought of nothing else.
As per your comment there my friend, I cannot promise looking back… and not having to have the thoughts of rekindling old flames. Because , like a moth, I am attracted to any jade luminosity.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Stupid predictions
It has been 2 years since I last saw him. Funny that today is the exact day. Sometimes I just can't believe how I could foretell things way long before they actually happen. I don't know if I actually wished it would happen, or I could just simply read the future. Hehe. I remember telling him that I could feel it would be the last time we would ever meet. I wonder if he remembers.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The Light Bringer
This is to my avid blog reader who never fails to uplift my spirits in the darkest of hours. He is Lucifer and indeed he is an Angel of Light!
He steels nothing from me but darkness and snatches away nothing from me but the bitter truth. He is someone who is sweetly welcomed by my dark thoughs despite every moral efforts of banishing him. His presence is something she denies yet I so eagerly acknowledge. His being makes me think the way I think when the clock strikes away the last of sunset's rays. In gloam I see him clearly... and in the overwhelming light of day, the truth about him is concealed.
He is Lucifer and I become... Hesperus!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I miss my soul
I have so many things to upload that I have written for days and days but I have no time to do so. I just feel sad now and I have no one to turn to. I miss my soulmate especially at times like this. I dont know if I even had one if I dont have one anymore. :o(
Sunday, November 23, 2008
What Melissa likes
My dog, she loves chicken. I know how the vets warn me about giving her chicken but what can I do? She can always smell chicken from hundreds of yards away. Whenever I bring home one, I would hear her yelping from outside as if wanting me to let her in so she could just go straight to the kitchen and dish out her own chicken. I sure wish she could do that.
Really, this dog is soooo difficult to feed. Now that I cooked her her chicken meal, I am sure she wouldn't want to pay attention anymore to any other foods I'd be giving her today... at least while she hasn't forgotten bout the chicken.
Other things she would like to nibble on are squid strips from Thailand, used socks (yuck),Tater's popcorn leftovers,anchovy chips,tissue rolls and the likes. God knows that other things the vets will find in her tummy.
Really, this dog is soooo difficult to feed. Now that I cooked her her chicken meal, I am sure she wouldn't want to pay attention anymore to any other foods I'd be giving her today... at least while she hasn't forgotten bout the chicken.
Other things she would like to nibble on are squid strips from Thailand, used socks (yuck),Tater's popcorn leftovers,anchovy chips,tissue rolls and the likes. God knows that other things the vets will find in her tummy.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Love me... again
I look far back into my life, but I could not still comprehend the present...I am still lost in a sea of emotions and drowned in waves of pain. My dreams are within reach but my moon lies far out into the transient nights.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
One sick me :o(
I am sick today but I thought I needed to go to work anyway. My tonsils are a pain in the neck (hehe). I hate it when they are inflamed as it makes my body temperature so irregular throughout the day. I could not wait to go home but I know I might as well stay. I would end up loosing more if I had to cut short my day's service.
I wish I earned as much before as I do now. At least I could've gone wherever I wanted to have gone with him in our bygone happy days. I wouldve easily bought things for him and I so that he wouldnt have no problems trying to make our stolen moments more memorable for the both of us. Yes I now earn more than he did at that time, and I wish I am also sharing all the benefits with him.
Now I pray for nothing but for him to be really happy. I wanted him to remember the past and smile with all his heart even when he no longer sees me in his future. I know he doesn't have to feel the same but still I wish he would one day come and smile with me. I know things may sound complicated with this kind of wish, but I long for nothing but to speak with him and know he isn't at all angry with me. That would be more painful but sweeter. :o(
I wish I earned as much before as I do now. At least I could've gone wherever I wanted to have gone with him in our bygone happy days. I wouldve easily bought things for him and I so that he wouldnt have no problems trying to make our stolen moments more memorable for the both of us. Yes I now earn more than he did at that time, and I wish I am also sharing all the benefits with him.
Now I pray for nothing but for him to be really happy. I wanted him to remember the past and smile with all his heart even when he no longer sees me in his future. I know he doesn't have to feel the same but still I wish he would one day come and smile with me. I know things may sound complicated with this kind of wish, but I long for nothing but to speak with him and know he isn't at all angry with me. That would be more painful but sweeter. :o(
Friday, November 7, 2008
Happy Birthday my little I Oh
It is I Oh's birthday today! My Baby is now 11 and she looks like my sister. I might say she is sometimes more sensible than I am. Hahaaaaaaaa!
Today is the day when I am one of those few who were invited from our company to witness the official launching of the new Axe fragrance (Dark Temptation) by Unilever. I could sense it will be hell of a fun night for everyone who gets invited to this rare event for everyone talks about it at work.
It was only yesterday when we had to arrange for the banner ad placements all across the web for Axe and it was also only yesterday when we had to sit and review the viral- video ads that were produced by the company for Axe before it gets officially launched online. Indeed, the videos made ma laugh.
Now I am sitting here thinking... to go? ... or not to go? Wahuhuhu. I don't seem to enjoy thinking about it anymore. The event starts at 10pm and I still am not sure whether to say "yes" to the invitation or not :o( I still have 6 hours to think about it. Rare.... rare ... (still thinking)
Today is the day when I am one of those few who were invited from our company to witness the official launching of the new Axe fragrance (Dark Temptation) by Unilever. I could sense it will be hell of a fun night for everyone who gets invited to this rare event for everyone talks about it at work.
It was only yesterday when we had to arrange for the banner ad placements all across the web for Axe and it was also only yesterday when we had to sit and review the viral- video ads that were produced by the company for Axe before it gets officially launched online. Indeed, the videos made ma laugh.
Now I am sitting here thinking... to go? ... or not to go? Wahuhuhu. I don't seem to enjoy thinking about it anymore. The event starts at 10pm and I still am not sure whether to say "yes" to the invitation or not :o( I still have 6 hours to think about it. Rare.... rare ... (still thinking)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Dodgy Breakfast
I was at Seattle's Best for breakfast this morning. I thought I would love to have a big breakfast ( Pancakes, bacon and eggs) but I ended up waiting for 30 minutes and did not at all get the one Ive ordered. Screwed up it was! I got so pissed off that I had to complain to the store manager. I ended up taking out my food for free- I had a refund and I was happy about it. Hehe.
Well ofcourse... I needed to make sure I did not have some spit on my scrambled eggs or in my pancakes- I gave some of the dodgy parts to my officemates. Nice!
Still smiling!
Well ofcourse... I needed to make sure I did not have some spit on my scrambled eggs or in my pancakes- I gave some of the dodgy parts to my officemates. Nice!
Still smiling!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
From time to time
It is sometimes sooo nice to sit and think of everything past. Especially because I know that my imagination never runs dry, I am able to hoist memories and add a little bit of sugar to it until I no longer could tell which ones actually did happen and which ones I made up.
I now am smiling everytime I remember him. Despite the things he has done to me, I know I can never change my mind about loving him forever. He is one lucky son of a bitch in that respect.(perhaps in that respect alone). I love the way he built good memories for me to come back to even when he no longer is there to add more to it. Only it makes me want more and more. If he shows himself to me without a gun (LOL) he should predict what might happen next.
I just hope that someday he would find the means to get rid of his anger over something I dont think I really deserved from him. I hope he will know that no matter how much he hurt me, I would always keep his beautiful memories with me.
I wonder how he feels now about me. I wonder how angry he still could be. I wonder if he from time to time misses me too even in the minutest way. I wonder if there are moments in his life too that he would suddenly sit and see nothing else in front of him but the times he spent with me. I wonder if he knows I still look at his shirts from time to time and wish I could wrap it again around me and expect him to be beside me the next morning just like how I did it before.
Hmmmm.... Rain rain rain- they come too often since yesterday. But I could smell my honey in the air... even when only in my dreams.
I wonder.. if from time to time... he still feels he loves me too :(
I now am smiling everytime I remember him. Despite the things he has done to me, I know I can never change my mind about loving him forever. He is one lucky son of a bitch in that respect.(perhaps in that respect alone). I love the way he built good memories for me to come back to even when he no longer is there to add more to it. Only it makes me want more and more. If he shows himself to me without a gun (LOL) he should predict what might happen next.
I just hope that someday he would find the means to get rid of his anger over something I dont think I really deserved from him. I hope he will know that no matter how much he hurt me, I would always keep his beautiful memories with me.
I wonder how he feels now about me. I wonder how angry he still could be. I wonder if he from time to time misses me too even in the minutest way. I wonder if there are moments in his life too that he would suddenly sit and see nothing else in front of him but the times he spent with me. I wonder if he knows I still look at his shirts from time to time and wish I could wrap it again around me and expect him to be beside me the next morning just like how I did it before.
Hmmmm.... Rain rain rain- they come too often since yesterday. But I could smell my honey in the air... even when only in my dreams.
I wonder.. if from time to time... he still feels he loves me too :(
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Misspelled dream
J_ _ _ - a name I saw on a document that pertained to an approved visa in my dream. I was rushing towards a bucket by the airport lounge and had to quickly grab a folded note inside it. I was happy coz in my dream, finding that note there meant my visa has been approved. Then I saw his name there… highlighted in blue ink. My heart leapt to certain heights…only to be brought back to the ground when I realized that it was only I who wrote it there in the first place. But the handwriting was an exact replica of his. Or was it his?
I really wonder what this means.
I really wonder what this means.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
No other one
I had to be on a meeting today regarding the overhauling of a website that belongs to our company. Then when they had to call in the manger of the graphics department, I could not stop laughing to myself. He is indeed the French version of my honey and I have realized how he at least comes in various forms. He comes in my dreams, he comes with the wind in Hugo for men, he comes in the form of clouds … and this time it is really hilarious that he had to come up with an actual face to see me.
I think I am very elated with the fact that he still comes to me at times and reminds me of him in his very own way. He makes me miss him and want him all the more. He makes me know he will always be around in many ways.
I did not find this guy attractive at all just because he bears a striking resemblance with him. In fact, I know that no matter what anyone does (if he has to), I will always know my original honey. My heart will always be for my honey only. In fact, nobody with resemblance to him will ever look better than him. He will always be my one and only eye candy.
I think I am very elated with the fact that he still comes to me at times and reminds me of him in his very own way. He makes me miss him and want him all the more. He makes me know he will always be around in many ways.
I did not find this guy attractive at all just because he bears a striking resemblance with him. In fact, I know that no matter what anyone does (if he has to), I will always know my original honey. My heart will always be for my honey only. In fact, nobody with resemblance to him will ever look better than him. He will always be my one and only eye candy.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Olden days
From up here I could see the old blue tower where I used to work way back in 2001. I have a nice view now from my new work place but I thought I would be somewhere wherein I will no longer get a glimpse of the past for it is too sad for me always. I wanted to get rid of this kind of feeling everyday because it is starting to tire me too. But I don't understand why I had to be reminded everywhere I went here in Makati. At work, everybody calls me Ma'am and seeks my opinion when they report to me. I am happy about this accomplishment and I know he would've been so proud of me too... but then, I feel as though I haven't gone anywhere far really because everything around me reminds me of him. Everything around me makes me feel the need for him to be there. Whew! I didn't know I would be in this situation at all.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
"The feeling is mutual" crap
I had to excuse myself again and go to the ladies' room just to wipe off my tears that kept on building up at the corners of my eyes. I could not help it. I was in that cafe where you and I used to go and have dinner. It was very long time ago but it is so very fresh in my mind (i need to get some tissues now).
I stared at myself at the mirror and talked to to myself while I was trying to brush off the memories of you. From the vents under the door, I could see one lady impatiently waiting for her turn outside... but why should I care? I kept staring at myself and kept calling your name in hopes that my mind could just make you appear behind me for real.
I ordered the Salt and Pepper spare ribs that you and I very much liked with beer and every single time my brother and my husband mentioned about its taste, the more I felt sad that I turned around and never saw you there.
Now I could not understand why I keep on hoping that someday you would be right in front of me again. I wish you never had to be so mean to me so that I wouldnt have to feel this way while waiting and hoping for that someday.. given that I know I am on my own when it comes to this. The pain doesn't seem to go away. It keeps on hurting me like forever because I never even thought that it would all end up this way.
He had to ask what's wrong with me. And he looked guilty bout that little argument we had in the morning. He thought I kept on thinking bout it the entire day that he had to come all the way to pick me up after work... And now we are all here sitting over a banquet of chinese food that I've randomly picked for them (aside ofcourse from that salt and pepper spareribs). He kept on asking me to speak up and tell him what's wrong. But who wants to tell him about you?
I felt so alone staring out of the glass window for I could see nothing but familiar streets filled with strangers. I know you will never be there anymore. You will no longer be sitting next to me in this restaurant having a little beer with me and having fun talking to me.
I no longer know where to put myself when I am feeling this way. I wanted to scream and at the same time wish you would hear me and take notice. How I wish you would suddenly have a change of heart and just dial my number and speak with me even in the most platonic tone.
I want you to let me feel that you are just there and still monitoring anything I do... but you have left me even on friendster. You completely hate me for something I couldn't do anything about.
I wish for a sign that you are there and that you don't really hate me... and I am suddenly hearing this song with this lyrics "somewhere down the road" - how I wish I could thank you for this. But I know it is only I who romanticizes this thing. Nothing goes mutual for you and I this time- at least nothing that I could feel.
I stared at myself at the mirror and talked to to myself while I was trying to brush off the memories of you. From the vents under the door, I could see one lady impatiently waiting for her turn outside... but why should I care? I kept staring at myself and kept calling your name in hopes that my mind could just make you appear behind me for real.
I ordered the Salt and Pepper spare ribs that you and I very much liked with beer and every single time my brother and my husband mentioned about its taste, the more I felt sad that I turned around and never saw you there.
Now I could not understand why I keep on hoping that someday you would be right in front of me again. I wish you never had to be so mean to me so that I wouldnt have to feel this way while waiting and hoping for that someday.. given that I know I am on my own when it comes to this. The pain doesn't seem to go away. It keeps on hurting me like forever because I never even thought that it would all end up this way.
He had to ask what's wrong with me. And he looked guilty bout that little argument we had in the morning. He thought I kept on thinking bout it the entire day that he had to come all the way to pick me up after work... And now we are all here sitting over a banquet of chinese food that I've randomly picked for them (aside ofcourse from that salt and pepper spareribs). He kept on asking me to speak up and tell him what's wrong. But who wants to tell him about you?
I felt so alone staring out of the glass window for I could see nothing but familiar streets filled with strangers. I know you will never be there anymore. You will no longer be sitting next to me in this restaurant having a little beer with me and having fun talking to me.
I no longer know where to put myself when I am feeling this way. I wanted to scream and at the same time wish you would hear me and take notice. How I wish you would suddenly have a change of heart and just dial my number and speak with me even in the most platonic tone.
I want you to let me feel that you are just there and still monitoring anything I do... but you have left me even on friendster. You completely hate me for something I couldn't do anything about.
I wish for a sign that you are there and that you don't really hate me... and I am suddenly hearing this song with this lyrics "somewhere down the road" - how I wish I could thank you for this. But I know it is only I who romanticizes this thing. Nothing goes mutual for you and I this time- at least nothing that I could feel.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Clouds
It was already late this morning and I was still in bed. I did not realize it was already 10 because it was still dark outside. The sky was so gray and I could hear the rain pelting on our roof. Water was already getting through our window and wetting the lace curtains I put up yesterday. Winds also suddenly went so strong outside that it did the job of shutting the door to my room for me. That was when I had to wake up and say hello to yet another gray day that is 1 year and 10 months away from the last day I ever saw my love.
I love days like this. It makes me wanna put on a nice melancholic music like David Gates' Clouds and Rain Suite, and think of the last time I was at Fersal. It was raining all day when I was there at that time and I also looked out of the window and saw the same gray skies that I am seeing now. The gray skies were always my refuge when my mind drifted into the abyss of heartaches. But there are also times when they made me really happy. No amount of gray clouds wiped off my happiness whenever I looked around and he was there with me. No rain made my days cold while he wrapped his arms around me. But rain... it now brings back all the wonderful memories I had with him and the love he had for me.We were so good together and there was never a time I never enjoyed with him.
The rain now cries away the beautiful gray tints of the skies above me, and I guess the wind now blows away the last ounce of happy memory he has of me too. .. sadly...
I still love this day just like any other gray day with him.
Clouds and Rain Suite by David Gates
I love days like this. It makes me wanna put on a nice melancholic music like David Gates' Clouds and Rain Suite, and think of the last time I was at Fersal. It was raining all day when I was there at that time and I also looked out of the window and saw the same gray skies that I am seeing now. The gray skies were always my refuge when my mind drifted into the abyss of heartaches. But there are also times when they made me really happy. No amount of gray clouds wiped off my happiness whenever I looked around and he was there with me. No rain made my days cold while he wrapped his arms around me. But rain... it now brings back all the wonderful memories I had with him and the love he had for me.We were so good together and there was never a time I never enjoyed with him.
The rain now cries away the beautiful gray tints of the skies above me, and I guess the wind now blows away the last ounce of happy memory he has of me too. .. sadly...
I still love this day just like any other gray day with him.
Clouds and Rain Suite by David Gates
Friday, September 12, 2008
Daydreaming
I dozed off in the middle of the day, and was snapped out of it by a dream. I was staring at myself in the mirror. It looked like the one from the hotel where he and I used to stay. Then as I turned around, I saw him standing next to me. I could see the details of his face and could almost taste the smell of his skin. The shape of his neck was welded in my memory that I could tell if it is him or not even in the dark.
I wish it weren't just a dream.
I wish it weren't just a dream.
Friday, September 5, 2008
But Where is Home?
It is 2a.m. and everything around me is as still as the water in my glass. I hear nothing but the constant roars of my rusty computer fan and I could smell nothing but a smudge of lotion on my blanket. I am too lazy to get any napkin to wipe the tears off my eyes, that is why I find it convenient to let my blanket do the task. In the dark I sit amongst the shadows of every object around me and I know how I am tremendously misaligned with my thoughts.
I remember how i dreamed of something about him few nights ago. I did not wake up the next morning to have any inclination to write about it, that here I am, unable to recall exactly when that dream occurred.
I saw an electronic message board arranged in a manner that mimicked that of Friendster. And in there I saw a photograph of a tiny boat that drifted on the shores of a deserted beach.From my dream, I could recognize his work of art. I knew he took that photograph somewhere in Thailand and he used it as his avatar in my dream. To others, nothing might seem unusual about this. But he no longer comes online for me lately, nor makes me feel that he cares about me being there... Anything about him in my dream has become something very meaningful and special to me.
I could see threads of messages under his profile. And in one particular event, he wrote:
Who says I could never row my way back home?
I remember how i dreamed of something about him few nights ago. I did not wake up the next morning to have any inclination to write about it, that here I am, unable to recall exactly when that dream occurred.
I saw an electronic message board arranged in a manner that mimicked that of Friendster. And in there I saw a photograph of a tiny boat that drifted on the shores of a deserted beach.From my dream, I could recognize his work of art. I knew he took that photograph somewhere in Thailand and he used it as his avatar in my dream. To others, nothing might seem unusual about this. But he no longer comes online for me lately, nor makes me feel that he cares about me being there... Anything about him in my dream has become something very meaningful and special to me.
I could see threads of messages under his profile. And in one particular event, he wrote:
Who says I could never row my way back home?
Friday, August 1, 2008
Hello World
An astounding 3 months of not having to write anything at all! Did anyone miss me? I guess not! I have my tracking system installed here and I do know when someone diligently remembers to come back and check me out or not. I get plenty of hits but I do wish I find one whom I recognize through the years.
The beer tastes exceptionally great tonight,It is raining hard outside and the temperature has dropped dramatically through the day. I am in a perfect mood to reminisce and the only chapter I am glad to come back to is still colored jade as always.
I wonder how in the world it all came down to this. I am lost. .. I don't understand. Perhaps when I am less emotional, I would be able to write better.
The beer tastes exceptionally great tonight,It is raining hard outside and the temperature has dropped dramatically through the day. I am in a perfect mood to reminisce and the only chapter I am glad to come back to is still colored jade as always.
I wonder how in the world it all came down to this. I am lost. .. I don't understand. Perhaps when I am less emotional, I would be able to write better.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Great Holiday
Thanks to my friend Kate. She did write well about it. It was one of the greatest holidays I have ever had in my life, and I couldn't wait to do it again. I wish I have the time to write about that holiday too and let you see things from my own perspective (not the best but definitely supplemental to Kate's). Click here to read her blog
Kate? What happened to the background music and the slides? I thought that made your presentation a little more dramatic. Hahahaaaaaa! I miss you guys!
Kate? What happened to the background music and the slides? I thought that made your presentation a little more dramatic. Hahahaaaaaa! I miss you guys!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Somewhere
Yes, I am still up this time. I intentionally did coz I wanted to see the break of dawn on a beautiful day like this. Now I am listening to this song that he knows I would always sing for him.
A song of endless hope. He shut me off in the rudest way, but here I am still singing this for him.
A song of endless hope. He shut me off in the rudest way, but here I am still singing this for him.
...with candles and a cake
I brought home a cake, just like I would always do every 16th of April. But this day is not the same as any other April 16ths that I know of. Today, the celebrant is not here. Today, the celebrant will not hear nor know about what happened here. Today is the day when I really have to celebrate alone.
People at home enjoyed the cake for reasons they never knew or never will. They must've thought that this is just a day wherein I thought of bringing home something to eat. Nothing special... nothing great!
But deep within me, something does long to make this day the happiest day of the year. My heart celebrates for something that is no longer here for me. Today is your day, my love. Today is my soul's day.
No matter where you are or who you are celebrating with, my soul always celebrates with you. Have a very happy birthday my love. I am less happy to be the one to blow the candles on your cake. But I made a wish for you. My wishes are all for you. And none of them shall ever make you sad.
People at home enjoyed the cake for reasons they never knew or never will. They must've thought that this is just a day wherein I thought of bringing home something to eat. Nothing special... nothing great!
But deep within me, something does long to make this day the happiest day of the year. My heart celebrates for something that is no longer here for me. Today is your day, my love. Today is my soul's day.
No matter where you are or who you are celebrating with, my soul always celebrates with you. Have a very happy birthday my love. I am less happy to be the one to blow the candles on your cake. But I made a wish for you. My wishes are all for you. And none of them shall ever make you sad.
Monday, April 7, 2008
A special day at hand!
9 days from now is a day I shall never forget. I will celebrate in silence and I shall hope that the sun rises on that day with a promise that shall never be broken. I have nothing yet to say. My sunshine is hidden amongst the thick clouds of despair. But they say every cloud has a silver lining. Now I need to know where they have all gone, as I don't see them yet.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Get me a time capsule please!
I haven't slept last night. My world has turned completely upside down. I meant it in a literal fashion :D. You see... I sleep from 7 am to 2pm. And for me, late nights would be 2-5 in the morning. I am in deep shit. I never realized it until I finished my beer at 5am this morning. I was thinking of him and when I looked at the time , I thought, Damn! since when did my world turn out like this? I sleep when the birds start to sing on the treetops and wake up when the fruit bats start to hover in our garden.
I was looking at my inbox and there in one special folder. I saw the last happy letter he sent me. Read through:
Sweety, I don't think there is such a sentence of being able to forget you. I mean i don't think i'll be able to forget about you mylove, i understand that you are feeling that way because i havent been calling you nor responding much to your emails and for that i can only say forgive me for not doing so at the moment. Honestly, I am just too busy with my work and all because i am finishing my contract po and above all i dont have a job yet to continue to. So at the moment my main priority is to look for work mylove, im sorry but i have to find work po. Franckly i dont like what im saying to you now because its sounds like all i am doing is finding excuses po and i can feel it from your end that its pretty lame reading my emails. Shish i wish the same things as you po but i cant do things without money, what do you expect me to do wait for you to come to me, of course not.
Again as i have said you have all the right to say those things mylove and i am not objecting to any of them. But what i know is that i don't see the end of us and i can't see myself forgetting about you.
You can say as many goodbyes and you can i don't care....all i care about is that i still think about you everyday....
Sarangheyo
Don't you think he has really been so sweet? I wonder why he had to write me these shit when he did not mean it at all. Lord! help me comprehend.
I was looking at my inbox and there in one special folder. I saw the last happy letter he sent me. Read through:
Sweety, I don't think there is such a sentence of being able to forget you. I mean i don't think i'll be able to forget about you mylove, i understand that you are feeling that way because i havent been calling you nor responding much to your emails and for that i can only say forgive me for not doing so at the moment. Honestly, I am just too busy with my work and all because i am finishing my contract po and above all i dont have a job yet to continue to. So at the moment my main priority is to look for work mylove, im sorry but i have to find work po. Franckly i dont like what im saying to you now because its sounds like all i am doing is finding excuses po and i can feel it from your end that its pretty lame reading my emails. Shish i wish the same things as you po but i cant do things without money, what do you expect me to do wait for you to come to me, of course not.
Again as i have said you have all the right to say those things mylove and i am not objecting to any of them. But what i know is that i don't see the end of us and i can't see myself forgetting about you.
You can say as many goodbyes and you can i don't care....all i care about is that i still think about you everyday....
Sarangheyo
Don't you think he has really been so sweet? I wonder why he had to write me these shit when he did not mean it at all. Lord! help me comprehend.
I Loooove what you've done!
I was out joggin again today and I have noticed that our once- green -village- gate has turned into bright neon yellow and royal blue over night. All I could say was " what the @#$%... "
A couple of years ago, the community fences near our place were riddled with initials JBC - that of the, Mayor's. You would see his slogan that went with his initials everywhere- from pavements to local government office gates and even trash cans. "Just Be Clean" What the @#$% does he want everybody to think after reading that? I can see the impact of his supposedly "Strong" advertisement on the minds of the community then- there were heaps of sweet smelling concoction of rotting vegies, plastic, and rain-soaked papers rising as high as the poles that held streamers filled with nothing but his name and the sweet reminder to be clean in perfect harmonious color of green and white.
And now this? What the hell is going on in the world now? The new mayor is trying to communicate his intentions through colors. Whatever is the impact, he means two things - "We all live in a yellow submarine" and "blue is my world when I'm without you"
A couple of years ago, the community fences near our place were riddled with initials JBC - that of the, Mayor's. You would see his slogan that went with his initials everywhere- from pavements to local government office gates and even trash cans. "Just Be Clean" What the @#$% does he want everybody to think after reading that? I can see the impact of his supposedly "Strong" advertisement on the minds of the community then- there were heaps of sweet smelling concoction of rotting vegies, plastic, and rain-soaked papers rising as high as the poles that held streamers filled with nothing but his name and the sweet reminder to be clean in perfect harmonious color of green and white.
And now this? What the hell is going on in the world now? The new mayor is trying to communicate his intentions through colors. Whatever is the impact, he means two things - "We all live in a yellow submarine" and "blue is my world when I'm without you"
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Aquatic Friends
I got myself a fish tank!
It all started out with a little Siamese Crown fish (Betta) that I got from a stall at the shopping mall. I did not go there to shop or anything, I just wanted to get rid of many things in my head that I needed to see a very busy place. I did not intend to get myself a pet. But when I saw the darling fishes, I thought ... why not?
I named him "Serafin". He was so blue with scarlet streaks on his tail. He was such a cutie fish and he made me feel as tranquil as his world that I decided to bring him home with me. He wasn't very cheap really, but I also knew that the fun I would have in looking at something for a change, is worth the amount. He came in a tiny fish bowl and a little underwater plant stuck above some pink and white artificial stones.
I peeped at him every morning and I saw how he managed himself in his own little aquatic world. Then I thought of making his world a whole lot better place to live. I thought of getting a fish tank for him.
F%^&! It wasn't cheap too. Plus I had to get a filter and some oxygen for him also.
I got home with an empty wallet!
But Serafin's world was perfect for him... at least untill I decided to be a little bit more creative and original- I found a small earthen pot under the sidetable and placed it in the aquarium to create an illusion that there was some hidden treasures buried beneath the sand dunes. But that pot exuded a smell far more rare than the artificial pink stones and my Serafin. It was so overpowering that I had to take the pot out as soon as I could. Out of my laziness to change the water, and perhaps my hope that the filter could do the work for me, I left the tank untouched till the next day.. when it was too late for Serafin. I fed him thinking he was OK, but later did I realize that he did not move a fin. Wahuhuhu :o( my Serafin was leaving me. Everybody leaves me... nobody loves me... and Serafin is gone too!
I got very sad over my fish. I wasn't sure whether it was the cost of having Serafin or the fact that he just died. Death is sad... I don't like anybody or anything dying on me. So I hurried to the shops nearby to get a replacement. Choosing from those tanks amused me a lot that I wanted to hurry home with 13 new fishes. Very nice ones I may say. I have commet, Lionhead goldfish, a bubble-eye and another species that is still unknown to me :p
It all started out with a little Siamese Crown fish (Betta) that I got from a stall at the shopping mall. I did not go there to shop or anything, I just wanted to get rid of many things in my head that I needed to see a very busy place. I did not intend to get myself a pet. But when I saw the darling fishes, I thought ... why not?
I named him "Serafin". He was so blue with scarlet streaks on his tail. He was such a cutie fish and he made me feel as tranquil as his world that I decided to bring him home with me. He wasn't very cheap really, but I also knew that the fun I would have in looking at something for a change, is worth the amount. He came in a tiny fish bowl and a little underwater plant stuck above some pink and white artificial stones.
I peeped at him every morning and I saw how he managed himself in his own little aquatic world. Then I thought of making his world a whole lot better place to live. I thought of getting a fish tank for him.
F%^&! It wasn't cheap too. Plus I had to get a filter and some oxygen for him also.
I got home with an empty wallet!
But Serafin's world was perfect for him... at least untill I decided to be a little bit more creative and original- I found a small earthen pot under the sidetable and placed it in the aquarium to create an illusion that there was some hidden treasures buried beneath the sand dunes. But that pot exuded a smell far more rare than the artificial pink stones and my Serafin. It was so overpowering that I had to take the pot out as soon as I could. Out of my laziness to change the water, and perhaps my hope that the filter could do the work for me, I left the tank untouched till the next day.. when it was too late for Serafin. I fed him thinking he was OK, but later did I realize that he did not move a fin. Wahuhuhu :o( my Serafin was leaving me. Everybody leaves me... nobody loves me... and Serafin is gone too!
I got very sad over my fish. I wasn't sure whether it was the cost of having Serafin or the fact that he just died. Death is sad... I don't like anybody or anything dying on me. So I hurried to the shops nearby to get a replacement. Choosing from those tanks amused me a lot that I wanted to hurry home with 13 new fishes. Very nice ones I may say. I have commet, Lionhead goldfish, a bubble-eye and another species that is still unknown to me :p
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Not Again!
I got a call today, and I did not expect it to be him. I didn't know why he had to ask me why I was bothering them again?
I heard a childish fuss in the background and a little gasp of some mother who didn't want to be even more irritated with her daughter than she already was with her husband.
Why is he acting this way these days? I just don't get how a man whom I once thought to be sensible just suddenly slips into an incomprehensible stupidity. How in the world does he ever come up with an instant impulse to turn to me and suspect me for any message he receives? I don't know what the heck he was talking about even. He caught me unsuspicous that it was him calling, so I answered the phone and listened to his voice while he accused me again of a crime i'm totally oblivious of until now.
Now all I could think of when I remember that call, is that his mind has totally drifted into the realms of obvious insanity. He no longer sounds socially or conventionally correct nor reasonable when he talks. Doesn't he ever stop to think before dialling my number? Jeez! I don't have time for this even.
I am not angry at him for being like this now, but I am disappointed- big time. I wish the tables would turn and he would wake up being in my position. I will be happy when he finally finds out how much pain he inflicts on someone who has not done him any wrong yet completely accused of something. I want him to feel how it is to love in such a way that I do, and yet be treated like a total scumbag. I want him to know how painful it is to be lured into a lifelong trap and suddenly be left totally alone with no escape. I direct this lot to him with utter sincerity, so that when it is already happening, he would no doubt be remembering me and what he has done to me. By then... it would be too late.
I love. I believe there is nothing wrong with that, as long as I know that I am not doing anything that will spoil his own strategies in life. I love, and I want to let him know that when I do, I also respect. Had he drawn the line clearly for us before, I don't think such accident would've happened (finding his number and calling him). The last thing I did was something totally reasonable and conventional for lovers and I don't think any sensible or intelligent person would think I have done something wrong by just trying to be typically sweet and romantic.
How sad my fate has become with him. I never knew that things would turn out this way. How I regret! ... Like never before!
I heard a childish fuss in the background and a little gasp of some mother who didn't want to be even more irritated with her daughter than she already was with her husband.
Why is he acting this way these days? I just don't get how a man whom I once thought to be sensible just suddenly slips into an incomprehensible stupidity. How in the world does he ever come up with an instant impulse to turn to me and suspect me for any message he receives? I don't know what the heck he was talking about even. He caught me unsuspicous that it was him calling, so I answered the phone and listened to his voice while he accused me again of a crime i'm totally oblivious of until now.
Now all I could think of when I remember that call, is that his mind has totally drifted into the realms of obvious insanity. He no longer sounds socially or conventionally correct nor reasonable when he talks. Doesn't he ever stop to think before dialling my number? Jeez! I don't have time for this even.
I am not angry at him for being like this now, but I am disappointed- big time. I wish the tables would turn and he would wake up being in my position. I will be happy when he finally finds out how much pain he inflicts on someone who has not done him any wrong yet completely accused of something. I want him to feel how it is to love in such a way that I do, and yet be treated like a total scumbag. I want him to know how painful it is to be lured into a lifelong trap and suddenly be left totally alone with no escape. I direct this lot to him with utter sincerity, so that when it is already happening, he would no doubt be remembering me and what he has done to me. By then... it would be too late.
I love. I believe there is nothing wrong with that, as long as I know that I am not doing anything that will spoil his own strategies in life. I love, and I want to let him know that when I do, I also respect. Had he drawn the line clearly for us before, I don't think such accident would've happened (finding his number and calling him). The last thing I did was something totally reasonable and conventional for lovers and I don't think any sensible or intelligent person would think I have done something wrong by just trying to be typically sweet and romantic.
How sad my fate has become with him. I never knew that things would turn out this way. How I regret! ... Like never before!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
As the final curtain falls...
The final day has come for me to bid everybody goodbye at work. I felt a strange air of confusion when I stalked the hallways for the last time. The glass walls... I noticed, needed some cleaning from the inside out and it blurred my view of the beautiful City Garden and that tiny yellow light from Fersal's sign.
My friends said goodbye to me and told me how they're gonna miss me. I know I will miss them too especially my friend Blessy. I didn't want to be emotional that I had to make sure I left earlier before she did without saying goodbye to her.
As I entered my four digit code to log myself out for the last time, I felt so sad for reasons I wasn't so sure of. I turned around, and I saw the red light from our love den. It seemed like it was calling me and him from afar and I was the only one who heard it. I couldn't do anything but stare at it for a few minutes as though in deep trance. I was there... talking to him in my mind, till I heard my other ex-officemates laughing and treading their way to where I stood. I quickly wiped my tears off my eyes and smiled at them as though nothing was wrong with me.
My steps grew heavier on my way to the main door... Over four years of service ... and I am finally leaving every single memory behind.
Goodbye to a chapter that was once so dear to me. It is hard to let go but I know that there is something else better in store for me. I can't wait to know what it is.
I have loved, I have tried, I have done things, but I somehow failed in many ways. I cannot blame myself for anything. But I can do better the next time around, especially now that I know I have gone this far.
To you my love, thank you! And may you always remember me and how beautiful our love story was.
annyoung * chingu
My friends said goodbye to me and told me how they're gonna miss me. I know I will miss them too especially my friend Blessy. I didn't want to be emotional that I had to make sure I left earlier before she did without saying goodbye to her.
As I entered my four digit code to log myself out for the last time, I felt so sad for reasons I wasn't so sure of. I turned around, and I saw the red light from our love den. It seemed like it was calling me and him from afar and I was the only one who heard it. I couldn't do anything but stare at it for a few minutes as though in deep trance. I was there... talking to him in my mind, till I heard my other ex-officemates laughing and treading their way to where I stood. I quickly wiped my tears off my eyes and smiled at them as though nothing was wrong with me.
My steps grew heavier on my way to the main door... Over four years of service ... and I am finally leaving every single memory behind.
Goodbye to a chapter that was once so dear to me. It is hard to let go but I know that there is something else better in store for me. I can't wait to know what it is.
I have loved, I have tried, I have done things, but I somehow failed in many ways. I cannot blame myself for anything. But I can do better the next time around, especially now that I know I have gone this far.
To you my love, thank you! And may you always remember me and how beautiful our love story was.
annyoung * chingu
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Brilliant Childish Ideas
I loved how I was when I was little, for when I had an idea which I thought was brilliant, I never hesitated to make them happen.
Take for example that time when I thought that making so much paper-money would make me really rich. I actually cut out uniform pieces of paper and took coins and placed them underneath each piece, so that when I rubbed the top with crayons, Presto!, I had an instant face on my very own bunch of bills. I did not feel frustrated or think it was a dead-end for me when the store owner did not want to give me even one butter stick for my money. I only thought that my convincing power was not well-developed that I needed my mom to come with me and explain to him how authentic my bills were. I did not know exactly why mom had that kind of smile on her face the time I was dragging her to the store. But after that, I was able to come home happily with my arms wrapped around a nice big jar of cherry balls.
I remember how I liked dressing up as a native American Indian. I would be very consistent with my guise and I even asked for a teepee to be built inside the house so I would sleep in it during the afternoons. I did not ofcourse like to spend the night in there after learning about that green monster that lived in the coconuts. I would also scamper everywhere when I saw coconut beetles fly in through the window and drop themselves on our wooden floor. It was because my grandpa said, those coconut beetles dug a hole in the coconut trunks to let the green monster escape at night. He also warned me that when I saw one, I should think that they most probably were going for the pile of coconuts under our house. So, I was convinced that whenever I saw beetles, green monsters would follow. He also explained that the monsters were the reason why it has never been a good idea to eat coconuts after dusk. Jeez! I could remember clearly how that story freaked me out. I did not want coconuts at all even during the day, for fear that I would be gobbled up. My mom, whenever she made fruit salad, ofcourse would try to persuade me to eat one by telling me that coconuts, when mixed with other fruits and turned into fruit salad, become something that the green monsters really hate. I thought, what possible fruit, combined with coconuts would make the monster really hate it? It must have been the prunes. I hated prunes too and those ground peanuts mixed-in.
I was 6, and I loved being a native American Indian and clearly distinguished my tribe (Machu chu chu Tribe) from any other tribes that I all made up in my mind. I don't know where I got that name. Perhaps from the magazine article on Machu Picchu. I imagined creeks and thick pine woods behind my teepee, and owls calling out my name. I also thought of having a small pot that would continuously produce smoke to complete my little Indian village. I had a real tomahawk that I got from under my grandpa's bed that I used to drop on the floor in protest to my mom's request to sleep. Shish! I don't understand until now why parents force you to have a nap in the afternoons during our times.
I had a lovely North American Indian mane that one of my aunts sent my brother for his birthday and had a lovely Indian name to go with the purple, yellow and fuschia feathers on them- Rainbow Cloud . I started making Indian sounds and cooked what I thought was Indian food too. I am laughing to myself now whenever I remember that pot I used for cooking, rolling onto my friend Glenda's back. She was crying on her way home with the pot-shaped first degree burns on her back and that was the last time I ever had her play Indian with me.
Those were the days! Sometimes I wish I was 6 again. No problems that linger, just fun and happy memories.
Take for example that time when I thought that making so much paper-money would make me really rich. I actually cut out uniform pieces of paper and took coins and placed them underneath each piece, so that when I rubbed the top with crayons, Presto!, I had an instant face on my very own bunch of bills. I did not feel frustrated or think it was a dead-end for me when the store owner did not want to give me even one butter stick for my money. I only thought that my convincing power was not well-developed that I needed my mom to come with me and explain to him how authentic my bills were. I did not know exactly why mom had that kind of smile on her face the time I was dragging her to the store. But after that, I was able to come home happily with my arms wrapped around a nice big jar of cherry balls.
I remember how I liked dressing up as a native American Indian. I would be very consistent with my guise and I even asked for a teepee to be built inside the house so I would sleep in it during the afternoons. I did not ofcourse like to spend the night in there after learning about that green monster that lived in the coconuts. I would also scamper everywhere when I saw coconut beetles fly in through the window and drop themselves on our wooden floor. It was because my grandpa said, those coconut beetles dug a hole in the coconut trunks to let the green monster escape at night. He also warned me that when I saw one, I should think that they most probably were going for the pile of coconuts under our house. So, I was convinced that whenever I saw beetles, green monsters would follow. He also explained that the monsters were the reason why it has never been a good idea to eat coconuts after dusk. Jeez! I could remember clearly how that story freaked me out. I did not want coconuts at all even during the day, for fear that I would be gobbled up. My mom, whenever she made fruit salad, ofcourse would try to persuade me to eat one by telling me that coconuts, when mixed with other fruits and turned into fruit salad, become something that the green monsters really hate. I thought, what possible fruit, combined with coconuts would make the monster really hate it? It must have been the prunes. I hated prunes too and those ground peanuts mixed-in.
I was 6, and I loved being a native American Indian and clearly distinguished my tribe (Machu chu chu Tribe) from any other tribes that I all made up in my mind. I don't know where I got that name. Perhaps from the magazine article on Machu Picchu. I imagined creeks and thick pine woods behind my teepee, and owls calling out my name. I also thought of having a small pot that would continuously produce smoke to complete my little Indian village. I had a real tomahawk that I got from under my grandpa's bed that I used to drop on the floor in protest to my mom's request to sleep. Shish! I don't understand until now why parents force you to have a nap in the afternoons during our times.
I had a lovely North American Indian mane that one of my aunts sent my brother for his birthday and had a lovely Indian name to go with the purple, yellow and fuschia feathers on them- Rainbow Cloud . I started making Indian sounds and cooked what I thought was Indian food too. I am laughing to myself now whenever I remember that pot I used for cooking, rolling onto my friend Glenda's back. She was crying on her way home with the pot-shaped first degree burns on her back and that was the last time I ever had her play Indian with me.
Those were the days! Sometimes I wish I was 6 again. No problems that linger, just fun and happy memories.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Have you met Joe Black?
Meet Joe Black. This movie just brings an ocean of tears out of me. I have watched it many times already and still I could not get enough of it. The story is sooo great that I wish I would be given the same opportunities as was William Parish. Who wouldn't love him? " Everyone who knew him and met him, loved him" .
I love that dialog wherein he had to say to Death (Joe Black) , "It's hard to let go isn't it? That's Life! What can I tell you? " and I wonder how I would react when given the chance to meet Death face to face and know the exact time I will be escorted out of this world. I am not asking for it now, but I totally admire the way Anthony Hopkins portrayed the role of a 65-year-old tycoon who still wished for everybody, amidst the awareness of his forthcoming death, to have a life as lucky as his.
Will had such a wonderful life indeed, and I only wish that the story of his life was mine to tell.
There is only one thing I regret - that I have to watch this movie from a pirated disk. What a shame! Those who were behind the making of this story and film, simply don't deserve this.
I love that dialog wherein he had to say to Death (Joe Black) , "It's hard to let go isn't it? That's Life! What can I tell you? " and I wonder how I would react when given the chance to meet Death face to face and know the exact time I will be escorted out of this world. I am not asking for it now, but I totally admire the way Anthony Hopkins portrayed the role of a 65-year-old tycoon who still wished for everybody, amidst the awareness of his forthcoming death, to have a life as lucky as his.
Will had such a wonderful life indeed, and I only wish that the story of his life was mine to tell.
There is only one thing I regret - that I have to watch this movie from a pirated disk. What a shame! Those who were behind the making of this story and film, simply don't deserve this.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Stolen shot
Those who come and read my blog page might grow tired reading nothing but about him. I honestly wish I could change my topic too.
After work, I went to the bar with my favorite co-workers Blessy and Jane and we decided to have a little something to eat. I had 2 bottles of super dry beer and stories to tell. We were talking about the mechanical horse that was in the middle of the bar and we were daring each other to ride it. Nobody did. It was simply too embarrassing to consider even. From where I sat (behind the speakers) I could see through the glass windows and view the people down below. There were happy lovers and workers hurrying home. And there we were, taking our time recalling the events that we all enjoyed at work. The three of us will be working for MRM till the 29th of this month only and we know that we will all miss each other too. We had some girls' talk ofcourse and I never failed to bring about the topic which is always my favorite- him.
My friends had to go to the toilet for a while and I was still seated there thinking about him and wondering how he is doing. In my mind, I came to that part when he and I were one time on a train to the heart of the city. We were both staring at people's feet at that time and I have noticed one passenger who had very nice set of toes. I moved my gaze from there till I focused on her face. I laughed when I realized that he was wrong in his declaration that all women with nice toes had good faces to match them. I was trying to control my laughter especially when I found out that he was looking at the same thing too and that he realized he was wrong with his earlier assumption. Funny how our minds always knew what we were thinking of. He just knew what I was laughing at.
I was surprised to realize that in my contemplation, I was actually smiling to myself and that a group of guys in the other table just took a photograph of me. The blinding flash just snapped me out of my beautiful reminiscence of him. I took my gaze off the glass window and focused on their table. I saw them all looking at me and noticed that one was smiling at me as though trying to find out if I would return his smile so that he could just come over to our table and strike a conversation with me. I looked away really quick so to let them know that I am not at all interested in talking to them or knowing them. And when my officemates got back, I immediately asked for the bill and left the bar.
Going home was more difficult for me since I could not help crying in the van. I did not want people to notice me but I think I just failed to conceal my grief.
After work, I went to the bar with my favorite co-workers Blessy and Jane and we decided to have a little something to eat. I had 2 bottles of super dry beer and stories to tell. We were talking about the mechanical horse that was in the middle of the bar and we were daring each other to ride it. Nobody did. It was simply too embarrassing to consider even. From where I sat (behind the speakers) I could see through the glass windows and view the people down below. There were happy lovers and workers hurrying home. And there we were, taking our time recalling the events that we all enjoyed at work. The three of us will be working for MRM till the 29th of this month only and we know that we will all miss each other too. We had some girls' talk ofcourse and I never failed to bring about the topic which is always my favorite- him.
My friends had to go to the toilet for a while and I was still seated there thinking about him and wondering how he is doing. In my mind, I came to that part when he and I were one time on a train to the heart of the city. We were both staring at people's feet at that time and I have noticed one passenger who had very nice set of toes. I moved my gaze from there till I focused on her face. I laughed when I realized that he was wrong in his declaration that all women with nice toes had good faces to match them. I was trying to control my laughter especially when I found out that he was looking at the same thing too and that he realized he was wrong with his earlier assumption. Funny how our minds always knew what we were thinking of. He just knew what I was laughing at.
I was surprised to realize that in my contemplation, I was actually smiling to myself and that a group of guys in the other table just took a photograph of me. The blinding flash just snapped me out of my beautiful reminiscence of him. I took my gaze off the glass window and focused on their table. I saw them all looking at me and noticed that one was smiling at me as though trying to find out if I would return his smile so that he could just come over to our table and strike a conversation with me. I looked away really quick so to let them know that I am not at all interested in talking to them or knowing them. And when my officemates got back, I immediately asked for the bill and left the bar.
Going home was more difficult for me since I could not help crying in the van. I did not want people to notice me but I think I just failed to conceal my grief.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Love means....
I went to the spa today for a nice full-body massage. Expensive, but i think it made me really relax during and after the session.
I remember the lucky times when I did not have to pay for a service like that. He gave me nice back massages too when he came to see me. He did not do it as professionally as the masseuse did today, but of course I would prefer him a million times over anybody else. His presence and him being him was more therapeutic to me than his massage.
Everything I do in a day reminds me of him. I don't know where to place my brain whenever I get drowned in thoughts of him. It is so hard to quit someone like him even when he has long been gone before he even said goodbye to me. Had I been given the choice, I will make sure that I never have to be in this particular situation now where no matter what I do or no matter how much tears I cry, I won't get the feeling that he will still want to come back to me.
When the moon is full, I still stare at it and hope I would have signs that he does look at the moon too and still whispers his thoughts for me.
Him him him him him.... always HIM! Whew I just don't get it. Why the hell can't I be as angry as he is at me and just forget all about him?
If only he comes back to me, I will make sure that he never has to say he is sorry.
I remember the lucky times when I did not have to pay for a service like that. He gave me nice back massages too when he came to see me. He did not do it as professionally as the masseuse did today, but of course I would prefer him a million times over anybody else. His presence and him being him was more therapeutic to me than his massage.
Everything I do in a day reminds me of him. I don't know where to place my brain whenever I get drowned in thoughts of him. It is so hard to quit someone like him even when he has long been gone before he even said goodbye to me. Had I been given the choice, I will make sure that I never have to be in this particular situation now where no matter what I do or no matter how much tears I cry, I won't get the feeling that he will still want to come back to me.
When the moon is full, I still stare at it and hope I would have signs that he does look at the moon too and still whispers his thoughts for me.
Him him him him him.... always HIM! Whew I just don't get it. Why the hell can't I be as angry as he is at me and just forget all about him?
If only he comes back to me, I will make sure that he never has to say he is sorry.
Rock Paper Scissors
There was once a funny article that I placed in this section. Only I got a comment from someone regarding it.To that someone...
I guess you must've missed the note in my blog that sometimes I could quote articles of others and use photographs from third party websites too. But some websites wouldn't put the exact source of anything I might use and be honest about it... and this is what happens.
By the way... when I checked your site, I realized that it wasn't the one I quoted the article from.The one I got it from did not acknowledge the original source even.For that... I'm sorry. I'd rather take out the article instead. Thank you!
PS.
Nice page!
I guess you must've missed the note in my blog that sometimes I could quote articles of others and use photographs from third party websites too. But some websites wouldn't put the exact source of anything I might use and be honest about it... and this is what happens.
By the way... when I checked your site, I realized that it wasn't the one I quoted the article from.The one I got it from did not acknowledge the original source even.For that... I'm sorry. I'd rather take out the article instead. Thank you!
PS.
Nice page!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Stolen moments
Today was an especially gloomy day. I am talking about the skies. I did not see much of the sun, and the wind was chilly. I like days like this for they provide a perfect reason for me to feel and look melancholy.
2001 brought so much rainfall, I recall. But that weather did not at all hinder my growing passion for him. We were always looking forward to seeing each other and we did everything to see each other more often even when we were worlds apart.
He always detoured to where I was everytime he was sent to a convention or a seminar. I remember he would even be calling me from a ferryboat when he did not have the luck to get plane tickets. He also had to travel all the way to where I was to purchase 10 computer units and go through all the difficulties of having to pack them and ship them back to his place where he worked. It wasn't easy, but that bought us 10 days of quality time together. I now begin to wonder how he managed to lie to her at that time, just to be with me. I thought that was the sweetest thing to do for love. ... hehe,, and lust- to lie and escape from home and stay together, with our mobile phones constantly turned off.
Everything we did together in those 10 days is what makes my heart remember forever. I shall not forget. And I hope I have the chance to know or feel, that all these. remain vivid in his mind forever too.
Wherever you are now, I hope you still can see me and feel me as you always did.
2001 brought so much rainfall, I recall. But that weather did not at all hinder my growing passion for him. We were always looking forward to seeing each other and we did everything to see each other more often even when we were worlds apart.
He always detoured to where I was everytime he was sent to a convention or a seminar. I remember he would even be calling me from a ferryboat when he did not have the luck to get plane tickets. He also had to travel all the way to where I was to purchase 10 computer units and go through all the difficulties of having to pack them and ship them back to his place where he worked. It wasn't easy, but that bought us 10 days of quality time together. I now begin to wonder how he managed to lie to her at that time, just to be with me. I thought that was the sweetest thing to do for love. ... hehe,, and lust- to lie and escape from home and stay together, with our mobile phones constantly turned off.
Everything we did together in those 10 days is what makes my heart remember forever. I shall not forget. And I hope I have the chance to know or feel, that all these. remain vivid in his mind forever too.
Wherever you are now, I hope you still can see me and feel me as you always did.
I can't sleep
I met my best friend Lester after work today. He chose to grab some burgers at McDonald's and I decided to go with him. It was very hard for me to keep my emotions when I realized that I was seated right at the exact place where my honey had to wait for me the first time we had to meet. I remember clearly how he looked the moment he saw me.
Tonight, I could not sleep :o( and I can't stop crying over spilled milk. I tried not to, but I can't help it. I stared at my messenger and I know I will never see his name illuminate anymore. It is hard to be in this situation - there is nothing left to do. It's a dead-end.
I used to cry and he would be there to wipe my tears away. I would miss him and he would instantly call me. When I sent him messages asking him to call, he would be rushing to do so with matching concerned voice asking me whether everything is OK or not.
He knew how to answer my questions when I was emotional. He knew how to tell me and show me how much he missed me. He loved me so much... I know that.
I wish I will be loved again and wanted again just like before.
Tonight, I could not sleep :o( and I can't stop crying over spilled milk. I tried not to, but I can't help it. I stared at my messenger and I know I will never see his name illuminate anymore. It is hard to be in this situation - there is nothing left to do. It's a dead-end.
I used to cry and he would be there to wipe my tears away. I would miss him and he would instantly call me. When I sent him messages asking him to call, he would be rushing to do so with matching concerned voice asking me whether everything is OK or not.
He knew how to answer my questions when I was emotional. He knew how to tell me and show me how much he missed me. He loved me so much... I know that.
I wish I will be loved again and wanted again just like before.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Talk to me
God help me! I feel very sad because of him. How much longer do I need to suffer? I wanna wake up and find my feelings for him, gone. But that is impossible. It only grows stronger each and everyday.
Where are you my love? Please listen to me. Remember your promises to me. Please?
Where are you my love? Please listen to me. Remember your promises to me. Please?
Four Days with Me
We were in Baguio and I know I made you hear this song. I remember you were wearing a red shirt that I got you. I thought you looked so good in it. I knew you didn't like Dead Can Dance much, but I saw in your eyes how much you listened to this song's lyrics.
Such brown eyes you've got- they were deserting me. I felt something strange for the first time - you were slowly slipping away from me.
To you, I play this song in my ears now
Such brown eyes you've got- they were deserting me. I felt something strange for the first time - you were slowly slipping away from me.
To you, I play this song in my ears now
The Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove
by: Brendan Perry of Dead Can Dance
I thought that you knew it all
Well you've seen it ten times before.
I thought that you had it down
With both your feet on the ground.
I love slow...slow but deep.
Feigned affections wash over me.
Dream on my dear
And renounce temporal obligations.
Dream on my dear
It's a sleep from which you may not awaken.
You build me up then you knock me down.
You play the fool while I play the clown.
We keep time to the beat of an old slave drum.
You raise my hopes then you raise the odds
You tell me that I dream too much
Now I'm serving time in disillusionment.
I don't believe you anymore...I don't believe you.
I thought that I knew it all
I'd seen all the signs before.
I thought that you were the one
In darkness my heart was won.
I don't believe you anymore...I don't believe you.
Never let it be said I was untrue
I never found a home inside of you.
Never let it be said I was untrue
I gave you all my time.
I wish I never had to associate you with this song. I still... would like to own you, and keep you and make you immortal. My love for you knows no end!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Goodbye MRM
From now on, everything will be new in my life.
I surely will miss all my friends who have been very close to me at work.
Goodbye City Garden and Fersal Signs!
Goodbye hallway memories!
Goodbye DVD Manang!
Goodbye Parasol!
Goodbye to you dear heartache!
Goodbye kind Pacific Star guards!
Bye Kakaluuchiii, Jerome, Jane, Kate, Russel, Shei, RJ etc.
Goodbye dear boss!
I surely will miss all my friends who have been very close to me at work.
Goodbye City Garden and Fersal Signs!
Goodbye hallway memories!
Goodbye DVD Manang!
Goodbye Parasol!
Goodbye to you dear heartache!
Goodbye kind Pacific Star guards!
Bye Kakaluuchiii, Jerome, Jane, Kate, Russel, Shei, RJ etc.
Goodbye dear boss!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Forgotten Valentine's
I went to work as usual, and I noticed flower stands at the lobby of the building. Men were queuing in front of those transient stalls to get their sweethearts some, once-in-a-bluemoon bouquet of red and pink roses, cuddly bears and chocolates. .. I hate Valentine's
In the morning, my husband forgot what day it is. And when I told him that it's that stupid Cupid's day, he suddenly remembered the flowers he bought 3 days ago. He rushed to the car and retrieved the bouquet from the hood. He ran back to me and gave me a bunch of dried flowers of god -know's -what sort, which he said I could use to sweep the floor with. How sweet of him!
But there is something else lurking in my mind now. I miss Jade very much. I need not say more!
In the morning, my husband forgot what day it is. And when I told him that it's that stupid Cupid's day, he suddenly remembered the flowers he bought 3 days ago. He rushed to the car and retrieved the bouquet from the hood. He ran back to me and gave me a bunch of dried flowers of god -know's -what sort, which he said I could use to sweep the floor with. How sweet of him!
But there is something else lurking in my mind now. I miss Jade very much. I need not say more!
I can see you
I dreamed that he was in Brisbane and he started using his phone to connect to the Internet. I wasn't with him in my dream, but I could see what was in his phone screen- my blog pages. Then the scenes shifted, he was suddenly in Sidney. He still had the phone in his hand and he was still reading my heart away.
There was nothing in his eyes. He seemed to be reading my thoughts but did not care to show his emotions over the things he read.
From behind I wanted to hug him, and beg him to speak with me and tell me he loves me again.
Then I thought I heard my phone ring. I heard him say "sweety?". It sounded so real, I had to cry tears of joy.
Too sad- I was only dreaming:o(
There was nothing in his eyes. He seemed to be reading my thoughts but did not care to show his emotions over the things he read.
From behind I wanted to hug him, and beg him to speak with me and tell me he loves me again.
Then I thought I heard my phone ring. I heard him say "sweety?". It sounded so real, I had to cry tears of joy.
Too sad- I was only dreaming:o(
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Sounding Ironic
It is very funny that I could be so very angry with someone at one particular moment and suddenly feel so much sadness over what just transpired.
I think he has his own good reasons as to why he should be angry like that- something that I did or have not done... something that he thinks, I failed to see.
I contemplated, and I thought as to why things are going the way it does now, but I still cannot find the reasons why a love that was once so intense suddenly turned out this way.
I suddenly miss the real person in him. Sometimes I wish he knows how it is to be in my shoes. Things aren't so easy to forget especially when they were all considered so great by the time it had to be. It is hard to just forget memories especially when they are so vivid in my mind and I cannot just let my anger spoil all of them. In fairness to him, he has been very good to me and he has sacrificed a lot too. I guess he only failed to think that life is not the way we thought it should be and that life always takes its own course. Perhaps he thought that it is perfect to have just everything that made him happy all at once. And he also did not know that once he is into a deep relationship, there is no easy way out. Somehow... there always has to be a little hiccup somewhere.
He has been very sweet and I should say he did try his best if I were to base it in his actions and his words, to be the perfect man for me. There was just one major problem - he wasn't a free man to love a woman as free as I was. Everything he did was simply unacceptable to everybody around him or me. Everything I prayed for during my entire time with him, did not have the reasons to be heard. They simply were considered immoral. It must have been very hard for him to prove a love to me while he goes against the people around him especially her... But it has never been easy for me too. Imagine the times when I wanted to show the world how much I love him, and I could not even send him a simple birthday card- he could not keep anything that will make her suspicious of anything. Imagine the moments when he had to go again and leave me with hopes that he would again have the chance to be with me. Imagine the moments when I could not even dream dreams that a normal lover should dream about. Imagine when I prayed so hard for a lifetime with him and felt that my prayers would never be heard anyway because they contained wishes that were completely contrary to her own prayers. Imagine how sad it is to be just the other woman when you know and feel that he is in fact in love with you too and he just could not have an easy way out of his nutshell.
Those times have ended. And I feel happy now that I no longer have to cry every night just because of him. I do admit that I still feel sad when I recall things, but I have put them all in the past for me to come back to anytime I wanted, and still feel happy about it.
One thing I wanted to live with now, without his interference, is the beautiful memories of a relationship that has been great while it lasted. In my own little way, I shall not think that life shitty! You'll always never know!
I think he has his own good reasons as to why he should be angry like that- something that I did or have not done... something that he thinks, I failed to see.
I contemplated, and I thought as to why things are going the way it does now, but I still cannot find the reasons why a love that was once so intense suddenly turned out this way.
I suddenly miss the real person in him. Sometimes I wish he knows how it is to be in my shoes. Things aren't so easy to forget especially when they were all considered so great by the time it had to be. It is hard to just forget memories especially when they are so vivid in my mind and I cannot just let my anger spoil all of them. In fairness to him, he has been very good to me and he has sacrificed a lot too. I guess he only failed to think that life is not the way we thought it should be and that life always takes its own course. Perhaps he thought that it is perfect to have just everything that made him happy all at once. And he also did not know that once he is into a deep relationship, there is no easy way out. Somehow... there always has to be a little hiccup somewhere.
He has been very sweet and I should say he did try his best if I were to base it in his actions and his words, to be the perfect man for me. There was just one major problem - he wasn't a free man to love a woman as free as I was. Everything he did was simply unacceptable to everybody around him or me. Everything I prayed for during my entire time with him, did not have the reasons to be heard. They simply were considered immoral. It must have been very hard for him to prove a love to me while he goes against the people around him especially her... But it has never been easy for me too. Imagine the times when I wanted to show the world how much I love him, and I could not even send him a simple birthday card- he could not keep anything that will make her suspicious of anything. Imagine the moments when he had to go again and leave me with hopes that he would again have the chance to be with me. Imagine the moments when I could not even dream dreams that a normal lover should dream about. Imagine when I prayed so hard for a lifetime with him and felt that my prayers would never be heard anyway because they contained wishes that were completely contrary to her own prayers. Imagine how sad it is to be just the other woman when you know and feel that he is in fact in love with you too and he just could not have an easy way out of his nutshell.
Those times have ended. And I feel happy now that I no longer have to cry every night just because of him. I do admit that I still feel sad when I recall things, but I have put them all in the past for me to come back to anytime I wanted, and still feel happy about it.
One thing I wanted to live with now, without his interference, is the beautiful memories of a relationship that has been great while it lasted. In my own little way, I shall not think that life shitty! You'll always never know!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A Parody of Love
There is a man I know who is so much buried in his own shit that he does not at all see the importance between the truth in what he says and their congruence to everything that is really going on.
To you Mr lovegrove: Why have you started to act like an idiot? Funny I never even realized how idiotic your ways can really become especially in situations like this. Perhaps this is because you were very good at concealing your basic shit that you don't even realize how stupid you have become, and how childishly you are dealing with things around you now. Is that the best you can come up with in trying to explain to her? Funny you do every single thing at my expense.
Do you know how degrading that is on your part to let everyone hear you argue with your wife and then suddenly, you turn to the phone to express everything she wants to hear from you to someone like me? I mean, why do you allow yourself to even do that crazy stuff? Can't you settle things all to yourself? How in the world did you ever declare that I am the one trying to destroy your family? I mean #$%^ You for saying that lousy shit! I can understand better if you do look like David Beckham or if you do have something that I desperately need in life like...riches equivalent to that of Bill Gates, a tush as cute as Alec Baldwin's, and as much lifetime achievements as that of great actors like Sean Connery and Anthony Hopkins. I know it was my choice before to think that you are god's gift to to me- but I snapped myself out of that already - with the kind of character you display now, it is impossible to think the same. Everyone who knew about us even asked me questions as to what I found in you that made me head over heels with you. Lester, my best friend is one of those who are really really puzzled by this.
To give you credits: I loved the way you loved me, the way you missed me when you weren't with me, the way you bought plane tickets and escaped your work and your boss just to be with me for days and days, the way you were so addicted to me, the way you got overly jealous over anybody in my life ( you suspected every male friends around me), the way you let your daddy call me and tell me your whereabouts when you didn't have the good chance to do it yourself, the way you liked sneaking out of your conjugal bed to be on the roof on rainy days just to call me, the way you escaped your home and your wife (whom you said you didn't love at all, and to whom you said you have admitted that you no longer loved because your "heart belongs to me"- hehe) just to spend even a day with me, the way you forgot that it is way hilarious to get your wife pregnant after telling me you no longer wanted to live with her, the way you called me even in the middle of the night just to ask me if you woke me up or something, the way you lied to me about what's really going on in your life so to keep me exactly where I was in your life, the way you licked my toes and kissed my ass, the way you comforted me whenever I was sick of nothing but colds, the way your snores summoned all the lizards and the spirits of the earth into our bed.
But there is ofcourse one serious thing that I really really hate about you now. And that is- the way you try to blame me for everything you have done with me now that you are being confronted by your wife. I tell you that I think of her as the stupidest person in the world to have bought a lifetime admission to your self-made theater. HAHAAaaa. Suuupper Duupper ... Hilarious- that is what you are now.
Blimey! How did you ever think that every time you see my number in your stupid phone, you always are sure that I wanted to talk to you to "Destroy your family"? Jeez! I wanted to punch your face for thinking that. I think you are just over reacting over a simple folly. Or should I say, you are trying to romanticize the fact that your number has mistakenly been dialed. Besides, why the hell did you call me using your mobile phone anyway if you did not want me to really know your godforsaken number? And if you really did not want to get any callbacks, then why the hell did you use your #$%^'n number to call me or send messages to me? Shish! I didn't even know it was a cellphone number-hehe thanks for the text message.
My husband, he was looking for a number from the "incoming calls" list. He needed to find out if there still is a phone number of the last important person who called us in my phone. Ofcourse he came across every single number that were in the list on that particular date. Most of them were yours - it was therefore impossible to not dial it by mistake . (We never even knew it was yours).
Your number always appeared with different prefixes in my phone- I had more than 15 registered incoming calls with different area codes and most of the calls are interestingly, ones from YOU alone! I sometimes get confused even, I would think you are in Canada, or In Brisbane, or in Sidney, South Korea, or even Thailand. Had you not called back many times when your number was unintentionally reached through these assorted set of numbers, or sent a message from your phone, I wouldn't know which one is your true location and which one is your real number- Thanks for the info!
So... PLEASE! I Beg you to not WISH THAT TELCO TECHNICAL PROBLEMS SHOULD HAVE TO BE BLAMED ON ME AND DON'T DESPERATELY HOPE THAT I HERE, WOULD ALWAYS DIAL YOUR NUMBER IN HOPES TO SPEAK WITH YOU! ... you need to snap out of your dreams now! And please don't call back like a very uneducated outlaw while all the chickens are still asleep in everyone's backyard. I think you just really romanticized things a little bit too much this time. Or maybe it is your wife who does? If unluckily, your wife saw my number in your phone, I wish that your manhood didn't just creep back into its all- original Prune-sized state. Shish! were you trembling with fear with your tail between your thighs when your wife saw it again? Are you even a man to at least spare yourself from looking STUUUUuupid in the eyes of others? Shish! I hope that whenever you have some problems in your life together ( of which will always be there for you since you are such a liar and she is such a big-mouthed nagger) you wouldn't really turn to me and bug me with your crazy show. If you wanted a fight, pick one with those of your level only please!
My husband, he will trade anything for a good sleep, so I had to be the one to answer the phone when you were calling at 5 in the morning. And hell! The first thing I ever heard was your ridiculously pretentious and angry voice saying "Hello". I mean, F#$% who wants to talk to you in that manner? If you only wanted to show off to her, you can pretend as much as you want that I am still there listening to your crap. This way, you won't have to spend a single centavo to make your point. And if you think you needed to prove one to me coz you thought I am misunderstanding things, hehe I should say that is I am no longer interested to hear from you. One word is enough for me po. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT TOO. You can only talk to the walls now.
Please don't drain my batteries too by calling me a million times when I refuse to speak with you anymore. - You had to call me a thousand times while I was driving too. Did you expect us to pull over and listen to your hilarious voice while you are in your sentimental mood? Hahahaaa..... I think you can be a real jester. Who else in the world could pull a good joke like that but you? And still that wasn't enough- you had to also send me messages that purely displayed your desperate attempts to impress her after all the stupid things you have done to her and to me.
Your messages - they were fit to be sent by someone as rich, famous and handsome as Brad Pitt, Leonardo de Caprio, Heath Ledger (God bless his soul), Ashton Kutcher, and lots of others. You spoke to me as though there wouldn't be anyone else in the world to fill in the gaps in me, as though you are the only man in the world, and as though I owe you my life. Jeez mister, #$%^'n WAKE UP NOW!
Oh and before I forget, My husband- he is not like your wife who will definitely force you to do or say stupid things over the phone just to soothe his ever aching self. He is not filled with crap like you for him to actually like to sit down and listen to your shit! He hates nuisances and he finds you justly fitted in that category. He will never believe in anything anybody says in attempt to impress him or alter his belief in something or someone for no good reason. He will never like your acting talents. He is very good at weighing things and he is very just in his judgments. So I assure you he wouldn't take your lousy chatters into consideration. To make things sound fair for you too - I am also more than sure that he won't also believe me if my behavior does not coincide with my declarations especially about you. After all... I thank God for that!
"Everything is Over", you say? Hahaaa. After 7 years of a @#$%ed- up life with you, you tell me that only now? If I were to mention all the facts that I keep, you will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for displaying the most number of acts contradictory to your words and for telling the most number of nothing but ironic lies to your partner. Or maybe you will be the most battered and trembling husband in the world. HAhaaaaaaaa! Poor you!
When you send me messages you seem to really force me to accept without questions whatever you say in them. Are you really expecting me or the likes of me to hold my silence forever? I am only really trying to keep my mouth shut but you know how deadly my venom is when I am PISSED OFF. Don't tell me you are completely oblivious of this cute little character of mine. Also, don't forget that I do keep a lot of evidences, Baby! (your plane tickets, your voice records, your disgusting videos of yourself, your letters, your photos, your handwritings, your clothes) And I sure will be very glad to share them with anyone like your wife in a very cute, vintage or classic way. And oh! there is one more thing i really kept well from you- a recording of you saying that thing you hate about your wife. Hahaaa! she will really kill you for that!
I give you all the pleasure of making the world round and flowery again for your wife, mister. But try not to involve me in your little Play PLEASE, and don't dump all your shit into my very own perfect world now. The more you pile them up, the more they stink. I am afraid I won't have the power to keep her nostrils from smelling the fumes if you added any more to this stupid mass. My weapon would be the truth. So, if I were you, just admit your follies too and stop blaming things on someone else so you won't need to desperately seek for connivance from an enemy to prove your point in the end. Nothing like that is ever convenient in the process!
I have least known these ugly things about you. I regret having lost the good sense in you. To me, the man in you has died. You cannot be the one I grew to love years ago. You are not even a man anymore. You are only a senseless robot who is programmed to impress someone at all times under all circumstances, someone you lied to for no other reason than creating yet another bunch of lies with me, someone who is sooo STUUUUPID to even holler senseless words at me over the phone without even thinking.
Doesn't she have some common sense to sit down and contemplate? If she knew she was dealing with someone like me, I don't think she would behave in that manner. What the heck about me did you make her believe in anyway? Shish, I guess you made it appear that I was running after you and stalking you like a crazy woman who just had a doze of love potion number 9. Or...I guess she hasn't stared at you for a long time to have enough reason to be convinced that you are not actually a material most women in their proper minds would run after. She must've forgotten that someone like me must be really so sedated to do such a thing you thought I have been doing. And she must've not asked herself a question as to why I should be inlove with someone like you if you did not by all means set a trap for me.
My darling, you know very well how things went on between us. And you know very well who I am. But why do you talk to me as though you never knew nothing about me even for just a bit?
All my life, I have been making sure that I make a good decision in life at all times. I only became stupid when I met you and started to believe in you or in anything you say. I was always a strong woman who always was on top of everything. I don't take in stupid things just to screw up my life for no reason. And definitely most of all, I won't waste my time on someone who does not at all make me believe that I am well-needed. So... with that little glitch lately in our little story together?- I am more than sure they are the residue of your stupid anomalies. Bear it baby!
If everything about you is nothing but a big SPOOF, shish! You indeed are good at inviting me to watch your show. BRAVO BABY!
I never spoke to you like this. But your behavior just calls for it. You can provoke even the angels of God to wage a battle with you in hell. Place this in your resume too!
To you Mr lovegrove: Why have you started to act like an idiot? Funny I never even realized how idiotic your ways can really become especially in situations like this. Perhaps this is because you were very good at concealing your basic shit that you don't even realize how stupid you have become, and how childishly you are dealing with things around you now. Is that the best you can come up with in trying to explain to her? Funny you do every single thing at my expense.
Do you know how degrading that is on your part to let everyone hear you argue with your wife and then suddenly, you turn to the phone to express everything she wants to hear from you to someone like me? I mean, why do you allow yourself to even do that crazy stuff? Can't you settle things all to yourself? How in the world did you ever declare that I am the one trying to destroy your family? I mean #$%^ You for saying that lousy shit! I can understand better if you do look like David Beckham or if you do have something that I desperately need in life like...riches equivalent to that of Bill Gates, a tush as cute as Alec Baldwin's, and as much lifetime achievements as that of great actors like Sean Connery and Anthony Hopkins. I know it was my choice before to think that you are god's gift to to me- but I snapped myself out of that already - with the kind of character you display now, it is impossible to think the same. Everyone who knew about us even asked me questions as to what I found in you that made me head over heels with you. Lester, my best friend is one of those who are really really puzzled by this.
To give you credits: I loved the way you loved me, the way you missed me when you weren't with me, the way you bought plane tickets and escaped your work and your boss just to be with me for days and days, the way you were so addicted to me, the way you got overly jealous over anybody in my life ( you suspected every male friends around me), the way you let your daddy call me and tell me your whereabouts when you didn't have the good chance to do it yourself, the way you liked sneaking out of your conjugal bed to be on the roof on rainy days just to call me, the way you escaped your home and your wife (whom you said you didn't love at all, and to whom you said you have admitted that you no longer loved because your "heart belongs to me"- hehe) just to spend even a day with me, the way you forgot that it is way hilarious to get your wife pregnant after telling me you no longer wanted to live with her, the way you called me even in the middle of the night just to ask me if you woke me up or something, the way you lied to me about what's really going on in your life so to keep me exactly where I was in your life, the way you licked my toes and kissed my ass, the way you comforted me whenever I was sick of nothing but colds, the way your snores summoned all the lizards and the spirits of the earth into our bed.
But there is ofcourse one serious thing that I really really hate about you now. And that is- the way you try to blame me for everything you have done with me now that you are being confronted by your wife. I tell you that I think of her as the stupidest person in the world to have bought a lifetime admission to your self-made theater. HAHAAaaa. Suuupper Duupper ... Hilarious- that is what you are now.
Blimey! How did you ever think that every time you see my number in your stupid phone, you always are sure that I wanted to talk to you to "Destroy your family"? Jeez! I wanted to punch your face for thinking that. I think you are just over reacting over a simple folly. Or should I say, you are trying to romanticize the fact that your number has mistakenly been dialed. Besides, why the hell did you call me using your mobile phone anyway if you did not want me to really know your godforsaken number? And if you really did not want to get any callbacks, then why the hell did you use your #$%^'n number to call me or send messages to me? Shish! I didn't even know it was a cellphone number-hehe thanks for the text message.
My husband, he was looking for a number from the "incoming calls" list. He needed to find out if there still is a phone number of the last important person who called us in my phone. Ofcourse he came across every single number that were in the list on that particular date. Most of them were yours - it was therefore impossible to not dial it by mistake . (We never even knew it was yours).
Your number always appeared with different prefixes in my phone- I had more than 15 registered incoming calls with different area codes and most of the calls are interestingly, ones from YOU alone! I sometimes get confused even, I would think you are in Canada, or In Brisbane, or in Sidney, South Korea, or even Thailand. Had you not called back many times when your number was unintentionally reached through these assorted set of numbers, or sent a message from your phone, I wouldn't know which one is your true location and which one is your real number- Thanks for the info!
So... PLEASE! I Beg you to not WISH THAT TELCO TECHNICAL PROBLEMS SHOULD HAVE TO BE BLAMED ON ME AND DON'T DESPERATELY HOPE THAT I HERE, WOULD ALWAYS DIAL YOUR NUMBER IN HOPES TO SPEAK WITH YOU! ... you need to snap out of your dreams now! And please don't call back like a very uneducated outlaw while all the chickens are still asleep in everyone's backyard. I think you just really romanticized things a little bit too much this time. Or maybe it is your wife who does? If unluckily, your wife saw my number in your phone, I wish that your manhood didn't just creep back into its all- original Prune-sized state. Shish! were you trembling with fear with your tail between your thighs when your wife saw it again? Are you even a man to at least spare yourself from looking STUUUUuupid in the eyes of others? Shish! I hope that whenever you have some problems in your life together ( of which will always be there for you since you are such a liar and she is such a big-mouthed nagger) you wouldn't really turn to me and bug me with your crazy show. If you wanted a fight, pick one with those of your level only please!
My husband, he will trade anything for a good sleep, so I had to be the one to answer the phone when you were calling at 5 in the morning. And hell! The first thing I ever heard was your ridiculously pretentious and angry voice saying "Hello". I mean, F#$% who wants to talk to you in that manner? If you only wanted to show off to her, you can pretend as much as you want that I am still there listening to your crap. This way, you won't have to spend a single centavo to make your point. And if you think you needed to prove one to me coz you thought I am misunderstanding things, hehe I should say that is I am no longer interested to hear from you. One word is enough for me po. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT TOO. You can only talk to the walls now.
Please don't drain my batteries too by calling me a million times when I refuse to speak with you anymore. - You had to call me a thousand times while I was driving too. Did you expect us to pull over and listen to your hilarious voice while you are in your sentimental mood? Hahahaaa..... I think you can be a real jester. Who else in the world could pull a good joke like that but you? And still that wasn't enough- you had to also send me messages that purely displayed your desperate attempts to impress her after all the stupid things you have done to her and to me.
Your messages - they were fit to be sent by someone as rich, famous and handsome as Brad Pitt, Leonardo de Caprio, Heath Ledger (God bless his soul), Ashton Kutcher, and lots of others. You spoke to me as though there wouldn't be anyone else in the world to fill in the gaps in me, as though you are the only man in the world, and as though I owe you my life. Jeez mister, #$%^'n WAKE UP NOW!
Oh and before I forget, My husband- he is not like your wife who will definitely force you to do or say stupid things over the phone just to soothe his ever aching self. He is not filled with crap like you for him to actually like to sit down and listen to your shit! He hates nuisances and he finds you justly fitted in that category. He will never believe in anything anybody says in attempt to impress him or alter his belief in something or someone for no good reason. He will never like your acting talents. He is very good at weighing things and he is very just in his judgments. So I assure you he wouldn't take your lousy chatters into consideration. To make things sound fair for you too - I am also more than sure that he won't also believe me if my behavior does not coincide with my declarations especially about you. After all... I thank God for that!
"Everything is Over", you say? Hahaaa. After 7 years of a @#$%ed- up life with you, you tell me that only now? If I were to mention all the facts that I keep, you will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for displaying the most number of acts contradictory to your words and for telling the most number of nothing but ironic lies to your partner. Or maybe you will be the most battered and trembling husband in the world. HAhaaaaaaaa! Poor you!
When you send me messages you seem to really force me to accept without questions whatever you say in them. Are you really expecting me or the likes of me to hold my silence forever? I am only really trying to keep my mouth shut but you know how deadly my venom is when I am PISSED OFF. Don't tell me you are completely oblivious of this cute little character of mine. Also, don't forget that I do keep a lot of evidences, Baby! (your plane tickets, your voice records, your disgusting videos of yourself, your letters, your photos, your handwritings, your clothes) And I sure will be very glad to share them with anyone like your wife in a very cute, vintage or classic way. And oh! there is one more thing i really kept well from you- a recording of you saying that thing you hate about your wife. Hahaaa! she will really kill you for that!
I give you all the pleasure of making the world round and flowery again for your wife, mister. But try not to involve me in your little Play PLEASE, and don't dump all your shit into my very own perfect world now. The more you pile them up, the more they stink. I am afraid I won't have the power to keep her nostrils from smelling the fumes if you added any more to this stupid mass. My weapon would be the truth. So, if I were you, just admit your follies too and stop blaming things on someone else so you won't need to desperately seek for connivance from an enemy to prove your point in the end. Nothing like that is ever convenient in the process!
I have least known these ugly things about you. I regret having lost the good sense in you. To me, the man in you has died. You cannot be the one I grew to love years ago. You are not even a man anymore. You are only a senseless robot who is programmed to impress someone at all times under all circumstances, someone you lied to for no other reason than creating yet another bunch of lies with me, someone who is sooo STUUUUPID to even holler senseless words at me over the phone without even thinking.
Doesn't she have some common sense to sit down and contemplate? If she knew she was dealing with someone like me, I don't think she would behave in that manner. What the heck about me did you make her believe in anyway? Shish, I guess you made it appear that I was running after you and stalking you like a crazy woman who just had a doze of love potion number 9. Or...I guess she hasn't stared at you for a long time to have enough reason to be convinced that you are not actually a material most women in their proper minds would run after. She must've forgotten that someone like me must be really so sedated to do such a thing you thought I have been doing. And she must've not asked herself a question as to why I should be inlove with someone like you if you did not by all means set a trap for me.
My darling, you know very well how things went on between us. And you know very well who I am. But why do you talk to me as though you never knew nothing about me even for just a bit?
All my life, I have been making sure that I make a good decision in life at all times. I only became stupid when I met you and started to believe in you or in anything you say. I was always a strong woman who always was on top of everything. I don't take in stupid things just to screw up my life for no reason. And definitely most of all, I won't waste my time on someone who does not at all make me believe that I am well-needed. So... with that little glitch lately in our little story together?- I am more than sure they are the residue of your stupid anomalies. Bear it baby!
If everything about you is nothing but a big SPOOF, shish! You indeed are good at inviting me to watch your show. BRAVO BABY!
I never spoke to you like this. But your behavior just calls for it. You can provoke even the angels of God to wage a battle with you in hell. Place this in your resume too!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Life at work
In one day, I get all the demands of an ever grouchy boss-wanna-be, and ever sluggish male co-workers with automatically minimized adult, game, or sports sites whenever you come over to their desks. Hehe! (The company prohibits too much viewing of these sites as they always use up so much bandwith and that the connection at work is already much slower than a creeping snail off a flower vase- Watching Youtube videos is almost impossible.)
I work really hard and there are days too when I just sit for more than an hour staring blankly at my computer and wishing I can just hang a "Don't Disturb" sign on the back of my chair and go to sleep.
When I feel lazy, I start to notice every single thing around me. Like today, I see how ants are infesting the Starbucks cake box in my trash can and crawling all over the hair tie that I was constantly searching for yesterday. There's that quarter of a day-old soda left unconsumed in my mug and I am starting to pity my miniature desk plant that is constantly pleading for water.
My poor headphone - it has a already a thick strip of plastic adhesive on it to prevent it from totally falling apart because I grab it hurriedly always and put it over my ears whenever my officemate starts singing her throat out.
She realy likes to sing, doesn't she? Shish! Whenever she does, Blessy and I start turning to our YM's in synchrony and setting our music really loud in our ears. I wonder why she can't just do it in the bathroom? ... I wish Simon Cowell were seated with us in our office so that she learns the truth about her voice.
She can always be so very loud at every conversation she makes either with fellow-officemates or with anybody on the phone. And not just that! The entire room shakes whenever she coughs (she always does) or laughs. I can now imagine, green slimy substances all over her keyboards and computer screen. I am afraid they even have crept into the E-world and spread themselves in all the emails that she sends. She seems to want everybody to notice her presence in some sort of a weired way. But to secretly give her the benefit of the doubt- It is possible that she only has some problems with her ears that she doesn't seem to hear herself at all!
There are days that seem like forever at work. And there are times too that seem to fly as quick as the seconds on my watch. I wish this happens all the time.
Dull moments call for more break time with Jerome, Kate, Russel, Shei and her boyfriend RJ. We would always end up talking over barrels of coffee for almost an hour. We always laugh and complain the afternoon away and feel like not wanting to go back to work anymore. Times like this also make me think way back 7 years ago when all I ever thought of, is going to work really early so I could have the time to chat with him before he goes out on a field work. I ended up so into him the entire day, that it was difficult to work. But one thing was always definite- I loved going to work.
He was the only treat I had in a day whenever I was at work. He had all the essential attributes a "vice" should have. He was my weakness. He was worthy of all my valued interest. He was my sunshine.
At that time, my heart always raced with the beat of the drums as Dead can Dance played "Black Sun" on my Winamp. I always had this thing for tribal or terra-ambient music really that whenever I had them on my ears, my imaginations flew everywhere and evolved around him. I always had an overwhelming excitement in anticipation of him knocking at my ICQ window when he got to work. I always felt the adrenalin rush into my veins as his user ID illuminated and flashed at the bottom of my taskbar.
He was also in every online messenger that I used and so much in my hopeful life too.
Since he came into my life, I imagined how every rhythmic beat of trance, new age, blues and rock, highly pressurized and ignited the very core of my long-overlooked secretive desires as a woman . And whenever the thought of him came up, I tried so hard to find some scientific explanation for the " thunder in my fingertips " thingy. To myself, I always attempted to elucidate the abnormal quiver his name brings. And when I did not seem to come up with a valid reason as to why my devilish mind rocked off the thought of working hard, I always smiled in contentment with the belief that I adored the idea of him and nothing other than that should've mattered.
But that was years and years ago and I now begin to wonder if those emotions I harbored in my tiny love chamber and once ignited by the fire of his great mysteries really died like a hopeless ember. Maybe it did because I don't think I am in the same situation now feeling the same emotions for him. This could be due to lots of things that are too much to enumerate now.
As the days moved along, I began to notice how deeply I was involved in a very obscure affair with him yet so elated by the thought that every secrets he revealed meant an inch of penetration into that baffling side of him... But that was long ago and nothing about him baffles me anymore.
I thought of him as an onion. I peeled off a little of him everyday and i got nothing but yet another flake after flake after flake- the more I learned about him the more I got mystified. But maybe "mystified" is no longer the word for me, now that I know how I was lead to think of things that are not at all true about him anymore... after all.
The "flake" thing is all about nothing but his masks that always concealed the truth about him, the things he said and the things he made me believe in. Whew! Anyway, I guess things of the past should remain in the past. Besides, they don't amuse me anymore.
I have 30 minutes left before its time to go home.Saturday, January 12, 2008
Mechanical Chicken
My daughter drew this when she was 3. I thought it is sooo cute I had to scan it so I could keep it forever. Someday I will show it to her again.
I Oh's Mechanical Chicken
I Oh's Mechanical Chicken
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