A year soon to pass

I could not upload photos this time. The connection sucks here :o(. It has been a while since I came here to write about my thoughts again. But this does not mean I have stopped thinking about him. Christmas came and went and I am sure he has been very happy with his family. I enjoyed my own blessings. And sometimes I think that I might have been celebrating it way better than he does really. I would never know. But there is this empty space within me that I wish he knows he knows he needs to fill. I have been wanting, missing, loving, yearning through all these years and another year will pass away without a trace of him. I dont want to be sad. I dont want to think he is never there. Id like to remember the last good thing he has told me... that I will always be in his heart and he will always love me for I am his soulmate. How my heart yearns for thy scent.

No matter where you go

I will find you my love. I hope you will download this and listen to it. It is for you

http://hotfile.com/dl/89188776/447c93e/I_Will_Find_You.mp3.html

In celebration of love

In celebration of the special years with you, I try to make the day a little different. Food! - my favorite. I don't really eat much but I do like to eat all the time. I like pecking on foods from time to time many times through the day in little quantities. So where there's me, there's food. The food I make at home shows my emotions. Here's my expression of you, my love. Thank you for the beautiful days and years. I have grown older and I have become more matured in the way I deal with things because of you. But my heart remains the same. I love you and always will.

preparing my salmon

my salad. I always want salad no matter what the main course is

seared my salmon and made some jack daniel's sauce for it.

hash browns were not really part of my menu for the day but just wanted to have one with melted cheese.

In 2006, I saw the last of you right on this very day. Now I look back and realized that time flew past me so quick and I am away from that very sad date for already 4 years. I have celebrated our time together and in my celebration I had to log into my email accounts that I have never visited for months and months or even a year already. There you are... with all the photographs you have sent me. I see nothing but the beauty of having you at that time. I have read some of your letters and in them you have repeated many times how you are tired of the same situation coming up like forever. You mentioned her name and you have told me again and again that you don't love her at all. How sad when I have to look back at all these things. I should not even read these emails anymore as they only make me wonder, make me sad, angry, depressed and confused. I wanna look at the world through a perspective that seems hopeful yet contented of what was and what has become of us. In doing so, I have to admire you from afar my love. There you are with your beautiful self, standing naked in front of the camera. There you are and all of you captured in a tiny frame just for me. I yearn for you and how I wish you indeed have looked into my eyes when these moments were captured for me. You are the most beautiful thing my heart could ever remember. You are the ancient person of my heart. You will always be my soul mate. At least I believe in that. I now cry and wish I could turn back time.Fall from where you are and I shall be here to catch you. Sarangheyo

Daily Bread

beetroot soup with cream (some russian thingy),

half way through my mashed potatoes, with cheese and bacon

breakfast. never finished the sausages.

some dinner for laziness-stricken people

beer time

simple pasta with roasted garlic and peppers in olive oil

coleslaw i made yesterday

nice berry drink for me

My Christmas

I did this some 5 days ago and even during the daytime, i wanted the lights on. 4 years ago, I was with you my love. And I am celebrating that last ounce of happiness in my heart. If only I have a time machine, I would have done things differently- definitely. I miss you so. I love you so.

Seeing through your eyes

thank you my love for all the beautiful photographs that you took. I look at them over and over again and I can see really how you were able to capture stories in them. Now I can only miss you all the more. How I miss your voice when you went through these shots with me one by one. Everyday is a lonely day without you. All I can do is look back and remember your face only from my memories. I love every single bit of it. Someday I wish you would think about me too and find that love for me again in your heart as you have always told me. Sarangheyo my love

Too much of you

Last night i had a dream. Perhaps it was the fruit of my intense desire to find you and see you and hear you speak with me again face to face.

Ocean was asking me to dial your number. And as I did, I can see her face light up wishing you would pick up the call. But then it kept ringing. We both heard a beautiful ringtone but then you did not pick up. As I put down the phone, I could not stop my tears and there was just Ocean who ran to me with a little handkerchief. My little girl. How sweet she could have been to mommy.

There is this news today about a water festival in Cambodia that turned into tragedy. I was watching on CNN and all I was trying to look at was the river banks to find out if that was the place where all of these photos were taken by my honey. Long ago, this country did not really raise any interest in my mind. I did not care much about whatever there is there and how the people there, live. But after I have been there (thanks so much to him) I could not help but drift in a dream world triggered by the memories I have shared with him there. I still have all the photos he took of that place here in my hard drive and I cherish every single detail of it. He is a good photographer. There is nothing much interesting about his angles at times but then I can see how he can capture moments and tell a story through his shots. He must have been born with this photographic skills. I simply wish his mind can keep a good photographic image of me and him (wishing only) I know I could not mean that much to him anymore. I know he only drifted with the tides long ago that he promised things to me. Had he meant every single bit of his words, I don't think he would have done what he has done to me in the first place. He said many things that confused me a lot in the end. It all seemed in the end that I was one delusional woman, who kept dreaming of things that only I have believed in. Everything turned out to be lies between us and too bad that I meant all that I have felt for him. I believed in every word he has said to me. I was indeed lost in his eyes.

Don't know what to do :o(

A love like ours

I wanna wake up feeling the same as I ever did before, think of nothing but the messages in my phone, the voice I heard last night before I went to sleep and the e-mails I would be reading through the day. Hmmm. I have both my hands on my cheeks now while thinking of this. He brings every single smile to my face when I try to recall every single thing I have felt before.

I wanna feel the same, my love. I wanna wake up being loved in return. I wanna shiver even when there's no chill, burn even when there's no flame. I wanna feel myself tremble even when I am not sure whether I am afraid of something or not. Nobody has ever made me feel that way. How I miss that. Sometimes I think that that is the only thing I want to live for in this life... the only thing that will make me happy - really happy.

Cobwebs all over my old accounts

my old messengers and inboxes :o( they all are filled with spam mails. Some of them even needed to be reactivated as they were left unopened for more than a year. I remember those times when I could not wait to open my email accounts before anything else. I also had to make my messengers start together with my computer as I needed to get those messages from him. He made my day. He was the best part of my everyday. Now, I barely even wanted to come turn on my messengers. If not for the people at work who always needed to coordinate with me from anywhere in the world, I wouldn't even want to be in any messengers. I realize how every single thought I had was well-understood by him. Nobody else could converse with me the way he did. I miss him so.

All I saw when I thought of you

Each balloon carries a wish I have for you. I found this photo online and I could not remember who to give credits to for using this here. Like these balloons, you color my world. I remember the first time I was on it... and I was with you. How much more happier can I be whenever I have to see one? I miss you so much, my love. Fill the earth with all these beautiful things and you will always be a part of it. Saranghe

Why should there be pain? It is not the deepest thing.

Pain is there but I know that it shall pass away... and LOVE remains. Love is far deeper than PAIN. You have caused me much of it, my love. Everything you have said that remains stuck in my mind, cuts deeper as the days grow older and the years pull me farther away from the last memory we have made together. But I know I can get through all these. I have thought that you were severely unfair to me, but what can I do? I can only wish of the moment when you suddenly would wake up in the morning and remember how much you have loved talking about everything under the sun with me.I only wish you would one day wake up and feel how nicer everything will be if only you would take back every single word you have last uttered to me. You have drained me of my tears... and you have drained me even of my soul. But that only caused me pain. I have love for you. Love that will never falter.

Remembering him

I woke up to some dream today. He was there again. This happens everytime I start to not really pay attention to my feelings about him. It seems that he is always there to remind me about him. How can I ever forget now? It is so unfair what my memories of him are doing to me. They keep on recurring. They are just perpetuated inside my mind forever and they keep on haunting me. The moment I forget to write about him even, something in my dream reminds me that I should, as though he would always be waiting and I shouldn't make him wait. Hahah, I wonder even if this is so in my waking life. Does he ever think of me? Does he even wait to find out what is going on about me? Does he care? It seems that I am only wishing these things are so.

My dream....He was trying to show me something and was pulling my hand so Id follow him. I did and all he brought me too was a dusty roadside. There were many palm trees along the road and he was encouraging me to look through a little peephole . On the other side of the hole, I saw what he meant me to see- behold, a beautiful beachfront. I smiled and told him I live there. Then he looked at me and said: Ofcourse you do. I knew it was yours.

Then I ended up being the one showing him around till we got to a little place where I saw again the old gazebo. I ended up telling him a very sad story of how I love one man who never came to fulfill my dreams of building me a beautiful gazebo. I started telling him how much I still am waiting for the man (who in my dream was also him) I was actually talking to him about him.

I woke up around 4 and could not sleep anymore. All I did was cry again and talk to him in my mind. How I love thee and miss thee.

who says life has ever been so fair? I am inlove.. but all alone. i have not at all moved on. i am still here dreaming of the same person, thinking of the same person and loving the same person as if nothing ever had happened. I love you my love. i always have. come back to me

Thank you for the memories

I went out with my friend last Saturday and we both went for a little swim in the hotel where we both were health club members some 2 years ago. There wasn't anybody in the pool when we got there and everything seemed so still around us. The place rang with our laughter as we reminisced the past  and ofcourse your name had to surface as always whenever we had to talk about our precious love life. It was fun being with my old friend again and just like before, we also spoke of sad things. I haven't transcended much from that chapter where you have left me. And funny enough, wherever I looked, I saw reminders of you. It is almost as if, you have been mocking me all these years. As I lay afloat the 14ft deep waters of that pool, rain trickled on my face. I could hear my friend still talking to me and telling me about something, but my focus was on that red light of The City Garden. My friend's voice almost faded and I missed everything she spoke about as my mind went back to our room long ago. Then to the left I saw another blue light. It is from that of the very tall building called Fraser's Place. The rain started to come down heavily on us and it felt so nice on my face. I was lost  and in a pool of pleasant memories all of a sudden. I could almost feel him kissing me and I could almost feel his arms around me. I could almost believe in the thought that he is missing me right at that very moment.

Hey! Dya think it's a good idea to eat there?...  I heard my friend's voice again. She was asking me and I did not have any clue as to which place she was talking about. So I just said "yes".

We just had dinner at the Outback Steakhouse some 2 hours before swimming and after that we had to go to Fridays too?. Grrr.. I love eating but I really hoped I wouldn't be anywhere near Fridays anymore. :o( It would be too sad for me again because all I remembered that day was nothing and nobody but him. How I miss those days when my phone rang and I would be hearing his voice on the line. How I miss sitting anywhere in a restaurant and all I would be staring at was his face. At that time, I never saw this. I never saw he would be gone forever.

We left Fridays at about 11pm. And when I asked my friend where she was going to stay for the night, she hollered back at me, " Fersal! And I am not kidding."

I drove home that night with all the tears in my eyes again. I could not believe I even told my friend that it has always been the same with me.... that I have always loved you despite of everything and that I really do miss you more than anything.

i miss you my love. just wanna let you :o) i remember your voice so well. the sound of your laughter, your dimples, your mole.

Such a busy day

I took time off work, then I just stayed home. I thought I would be less busy but I was wrong. I had to do all the chores anyway. I miss going elsewhere doing something else. I wish I could take that diving lessons and just have a certificate for diving too. I know I will eventually do that and all I would have in my mind when I finally get my certificate, is you. I always have admired you and I was proud of you at the back of my mind. I wished I would be enjoying the things you have enjoyed before. Diving was one of them. I know I won't be as good as you because I remember you had an advanced open-sea diver's certificate. Hehe it will be really tough to beat that and I don't intend to at all. Whew.... But how I wish I'd be diving with you. I dreamt of that always. The seas... then you with me.

today's dinner

i found an unusually pointed egg in the tray today

some baked ingredient for the salad. fresh tomatoes and pimientos. drizzled extra virgin olive oil and added cloves of garlic too.

mexican minetrone

memories

i went through all the letters you have sent me before.. some hurt so bad but yes i have realized you spoke of the truth. there were many things that left you unhappy of me, my love... and there were many things too that made you really mad at me. but i really wanna overlook all those and just think of the happy things only. I am sad coz i wanted to be the one who could ever make you happy but through the years I have realized how i have lost the spot to your loved ones in your life. i have done many things in thinking that i cannot see no future in your actions towards me as i was always considered an outsider. you have spent and sacrificed a lot for me and i cannot deny that. but how i wish i could return them to you. these days, i look from the top, i can only see from a birds eye view of how everything turned out so sour i cannot even forgive myself for my existence now. you have no idea how you haunt me and all i wanted to do now is have that chance to speak with you again.. my soulmate. my love..my life..my happiness. there are so many things you will never comprehend in me but i also know how you might not care anymore... and that is what breaks my heart so much. i have things and people who make me happy now but that part about a soul that can only be comforted by my soul mate remains cold. i have not seen the end till it came to me. it crashes me every single day.. i cannot live like this.

You and I and no one else my love

Where are you my love?

I was watching this movie again - the notebook and all i could do is wish i would have the one i love to love me like this forever. i want a never ending love, a love i will see forever. i think of this everyday and i wish for it to be mine soon. Love... i live for it.

I can't contain it :( I cry again every night remembering you my love. I really miss you so much I don't understand why I can't just forget you totally. you somehow had to creep into my mind at some point only to make me feel this way. i miss what we had so bad i could just wish i am back there in that time forever

I looked at all the videos you took of us my love and I can't stop laughing at that moment on the elephant. I see you and that lovely smile you have. I am so happy I have them all on video. Now I miss you to tears. I really do. I wish for you, to be just back with me again.. don't know how... but I will love that feeling so much.

i miss that feeling...when you have to step out of the shower and open the door to a room where he sits waiting for you. I wanna write something that i can protect with a password. only him will be able to know how to open it ofcourse. hahha. I shall come up with that. i miss him so. i think of the days he and i would enjoy each others company. just him and i. how i wish those days were back

Memories of you

All the things I say might sound so cliche already. But what can I do? I cannot get rid of the thought of you in my mind. How I miss you so much my love. Please... show me some hint that I am not remembering this all alone to myself. Please let me feel you miss me too. I love you as my heart has always promised you

lazy weekend preparations

some burger I made with oregano herbs. and i made some pumpkin chowder too.

The carbonara i made out of some left over bacon of yesterday. Hahaa. it tasted nice. The spinach fritters did not really please my palate.

mixing the carbonara sauce

did taste nice with parmesan and slices of cheese with cumin seeds

yellowcab pizza today. Just too lazy to cook really

my breakfast. I love steamed okra and some sauce with fresh green tomatoes

i know salad does not really go with fish fillets. but i really love beetroot salad with lemon and coriander leaves to go with it. i made some sour onion dip too with a hint of mustard.

How long will you love me this way? How long will you keep on hiding your face from me? I talk to you as I close my eyes every night. And these are the exact same questions I often ask you. I always smile at the thought of you especially when I remember those days when you were with me. The last videos you took of me, I could hear you speak in the background.... those caring words when you always needed to remind me to be extra cautious. I felt how much you treated me like an egg. You always thought I was so delicate and I could never ask for more. These memories make me cry for I can only miss them so much. So far, nothing compares to the joys you have ever brought me my love. I will never ever cast them aside. Memories of you will always be the best in my mind. I am forgetting anything that hurt me. Now I shall smile as I think of you. Sarangheyo

Be with me

thanks to http://www.photoshoptutorials.ws

It has been a while. I have sulked in sorrow since my dog passed away :( I am sad that I don't even wanna go and visit the place where I used to live in. I really miss my dog so much. Some good things indeed don't last. I wonder how I am going to deal with the realities of life really. I look at the vast mountains in my dream again and the prairie in my thoughts. I could see how everything I have envisioned long before has indeed come true. Why don't I envision and dream of something better this time? If bad things came true... Why don't I let the things that make me happy come true also?

..... I can see that evil smile of mine again. It lurks behind my head... I see it in the mirror. Let it linger please. Let it engulf my entirety again. I shall reap the good ones. I shall pay attention to it and be grateful of them. I have plenty...I can't count them all. But let many more rain upon me. My love, ... My lord, ... I should be happy.

Be with me!

Find Me

I found this song i have never heard before on Youtube. This should sound too naive to others... but I have realized that when you feel the way I do... every basic things like the lyrics of this song does make sense. I speak to him... i wish he hears this too.

I looked into the mirror... then i saw nothing but a vast prairie. I am alone in there... I see nothing but barren land. I walked farther to see if you are there... I don't even smell you in the air. I am in search for you everyday but nobody or nothing comes closer to what I have and what I had in you, my love. How I grieve. I can't get over it no matter how much I try.

I miss you my love :( where are you now? visit me in my dreams please. don't be dead like my dog. I am so devastated. She is the one who knew all and she has left me too. :( i miss you so much po

Goodbye Melissa

I feel so devastated. I have cried so much and I can't stop everytime i remember my dog. She passed away yesterday. She has been at the hospital for more than a week and the vet told me that she is too old to go through any medication and she will only have more complications after another. I have decided to have her put to sleep. How my heart aches. Melissa has been my dog for more than 11 years. How I grieve.. how I hurt. There were times when there was just her and I at home. It was new year and everyone is in the province for a holiday. All the neighbors were festive... while she and I sat together in the house with no preparations on the table. She knew when I was sad... she would snuggle into my arms and start licking my cheeks. I spoke to her about how I feel and told her all my secrets. I now weep for the loss of her. I can't seem to find a better thought that would ease me up a little. My poor poor friend... one who is pure as her white fur.... the most loving pet. I love you Melissa. Mommy will always think about you. How mommy grieves even while writing this for you. How will ever go home and not see you there anymore?

He loves me. I have reason to believe he does love me. He thinks about me and he misses me at times when the signs relating to me appear in front of him. The gray skies, rendezvous, the number 11, this is endless.... but i am only dreaming :(

Has he gained some weight? I will love and adore him just the same. You look handsome in that black and white stripes my love. You look older.. and so is my love for you.

I saw him in my dream... but I forgot what it was all about. I had to think the entire day what it was... but could not remember a thing. It was not until the end of the day that something came to my mind... not thoroughly but quite. It was a baby. I see him smiling at me lovingly. In my hands... i see my baby. She looks like him :) cute dream. wishful thinking maybe..

Weekend at home

I sit every weekend to work on other offshore jobs for extra earnings hehe. But a nice cheese is and a beer gives me the boost

lobster sent in by my brother. I have enjoyed every bit of it. turned some into chowder and also roasted some with garlic and olive oil

Funny way of placing those bread on the table.

Preparing Kimchi

You'll need as much garlic in making Kimchi

My favorite cheese. I am glad I have found them today. Ausy cheese with apricots and coconut and one with cumin bits or caraway seeds

 dumplings to go with  my german beef gulasch.