Zapped

I reached in my bag for my wallet, and when I opened it, I saw my old photograph that I gave him. Right below it, I saw a red "ex" mark. Then I flipped through the pages of what looked like a little photo album inside my wallet. I saw more marked photos of me and when I came to the last page, I saw a photo of her kissing her little baby girl. I felt this wave of pain in my heart but I had to go back to the prior page, there I saw a picture of them. Him, her, 2 daughters. I flipped again and saw Ocean. But underneath her photo is also a red "ex" mark. I dropped the little album and felt more pain as I realized that it was him who marked our photos with an old symbol of past and forgotten. I woke up and remembered I did see a red check mark in all the photos of him and her.

I had a dream that signifies the truth about him and I.

But in conclusion....I am happy. I am happy that some time in my life I have loved that way. I had the passion that I gladly would defy anything for. I had the dreams that until now is kept alive in my mind and heart. Everyday is Valentine's day for him and I... only in my heart.

Pruned

Work is burning me out. I barely have time for myself anymore. Sometimes I stop to look at myself on the mirror, I get surprised as to who I see in front of me. It seems that I have gone so far from how I was 5 years back. I only could look back. I think to myself, how do I make myself as happy again? I miss so many things. I miss shopping for myself only and not feeling guilty over the things I bought for myself. I miss spending time in front of the mirror just making sure I do look good. I miss even going to places and expecting to have a great time away from work. When I get to airports these days, I stop and wipe my tears off when I suddenly start slipping into the mode of missing him again. Long before, I would be very excited to run out of time just to meet him. It felt so good to have that little quiver down my knees just with the thought of having to see him after a long time. I remember how he would call me during unexpected hours and tell me that he has nothing to say and he just missed me. Funny that there were times too that when he did that, I would feel that there must've been something coming up that he could not tell me about. He must've been going through his preliminaries of saying "goodbye". (something I never was sure of till it actually happened). Good if there was even a word called "goodbye" uttered in the most subtle way. I'd rather have it that way than hear words and thoughts I could never ingest. He was the sweetest yet the evilest man I ever knew of. His signals were so misleading ...i could never have read his mind. He gave me all the love in the world and in the end... he asked me to pay for all of it back by simply saying everything he told me in the end. How much more painful can it be? You could not just say "goodbye" and you have to also take back all the things you have done with me? He said he loved me so much, but he told me he regretted it. He helped me with things that I never did ask for really and in the end he mentioned about it. He told me all the things he never dared tell me when he was with me... Everything that hurt me and will continually hurt me just because I do love the way I do. How could he ever fill me with all the sweetness in the world and indulge in everything I could ever give him from the heart and in the end... when he has no reasons for all of it to her, he had to justify his acts by turning against me. He never ever loved me. If he did... I never would ever understand how anymore. I could not find the reasons for the hurt I feel inside of me. It tortures me whenever I suddenly feel the same wave of love and then he is not there to show me that I am thinking things wrongly. I hate it when I miss him and I suddenly remember the pain he has caused me. He left an imprint in my mind that will make it so difficult for me to believe myself again. He made me doubt every single thing there is about love. He made me doubt that I would ever feel happy again just by believing in love. I wanted to blow him a punch whenever I dream about him and I see him there as happy as he always appeared to be when he was with me. I wanted to drill a hole in his face whenever I dream of him telling me how much he really does love me and wake up to the fact that I was only dreaming. I hate him... simply because I could never get rid of this hurt I feel inside. . I am always in pain. It digs a hole in my heart and makes it shrink in total pruned state.

Busy Monday

And so I let the days go by everyday without thinking too much of things that make me sad anymore. But sometimes it is funny that it just creeps in anyway even in the middle of the night. I was asleep then I woke up for a trip to the toilet. While I was in there I suddenly remembered I had a dream. I knew it was about him but I tried to recall and I just could not. It puzzled me because I normally would register dreams of him in my head so intensely, they would almost feel so real. I was desperate to recall my moments with him so I thought looking at his photo would help bring back the images. I went to get my wallet in my bag and looked at him there looking back at me... but there was no recollection of anything about my dream.

I went to see about my plane tickets that I had booking problems with, and I again was haunted with memories of him at the airport. I looked outside of the window while waiting for a customer service representative to attend to me, then I saw on a small poster that there are already daily PAL flights to his little town where he lived. I thought it was funny coz he does not even live there anymore. But yes, I still have to get some reminders like that tossed in from the air. Then suddenly I heard from one counter a little discussion about booking dates. The lady was asked as to what flight date she would like to take, and she just really had to answer: April 16. Cute!
I smiled and eagerly waited for my turn.