has it been a month since I came around? It is Christmas and yes I would like to wish you and your family well on this day too. Things have been boring lately. You know me, I get a little too bored when nothing new happens. I admit I have become less adventurous since you left me but... I can't really change completely. A part of me (and that's my thoughts) still goes into that direction no matter what I do. Time heals all wounds they say..but I know what that saying really means. Time makes you divert your thoughts a little but ...love which is boundless can all of a sudden take you back where it all started.

Lately I admit I haven't thought much of you my love. Maybe because I know that you are doing well and very happy with the kids. But ... thoughts are for free. I can be alone in it and can go as far as it pleases me.

.... I still dream of being in a place where I am totally on my own...and then I bump into you. You can be a stranger again in my thoughts...but yes..I'd bump into you. It feels nice to be in scenarios like that movie "Nights in Rondanthe" wherein there would be opportunities again of you and I getting together and trying to know about each other. Wherein we both would end up loving each other. Things become complicated in stories like that of course but there is a story where you and I are the highlights.

How I miss the way you have loved me. I only wish it never had to end badly. I wish I could at least cling on to something forever..something that feels a bit nicer than those you've uttered. How it makes me very sad. Unnecessarily sad.

I was outside surveying the moonlit road just outside our gate. How lovely the moon is. how beautiful those distant memories are now. HOw I miss the old you- the one who doesn't have 3 children.

How I miss thee. I dont lknow what to say anymore

Just as I said...I wouldn't forget about you my love. Even when I am overly busy on things in my life...I will always have you in the back of my head. I miss those times so much...when we were both so young and happy with each other. It seems like only yesterday...but when I look at myself in the mirror..I realize that there are lot of things in our lives that have changed. Nothing will ever seem the same anymore. I know :( well..then... maybe at least my love for you will be the same.

Let It Rain

I looked at the thick curtain of rain outside my window and as I did, I imagined things that maybe behind the seemingly impenetrable optical haze before me. I'd like to just run through the darkness and then know that I could just do that because I am going to end up in  your arms anyway. Still, what a surprise that would be. I'd still be surprised even when I already knew you would be there!.. And then my tears of joy will be engulfed in this beautiful rainy torrent. This is a beautiful dream.

And this dream makes me live on even when I know that you are long dead. I find that strength in me when I am with you in my dreams.

And so my heart remains drenched with eternal love for the nimbus clouds high up above me. In sorrow I am inspired to seek more rain than the sun. In the rain...I have you. In the dark skies, I form images of you. In the grayness of the day, I see happiness for you and with you. In the darkness... you are alive. In the gray corners of my mind, you lurk eternally. You never grow old, you never fail. I miss and love you in the rain. Let me kiss you in there...endlessly.

Deep and Ancient as the voice in me.

It's hard to not fall in love with the voice that made me understand Optimus Prime's language. I might not enjoy the full movie in the same way as I enjoyed this. Boys will love this and hopefully- you and your son too.


I remember I was only 7 when I was sooo much into this more than the ninja turtles and the rainbow brite movies. Hahha.

" I have witnessed their capacity for courage...and though we are worlds apart...like us..there is more to them that meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime!!! ...and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. WE... ARE WAITING!"

Hangouts are tiresome at times.

A glimpse at an ancient you.

I saw you in a dream. You were lying next to me but we weren't alone with each other in bed. I saw my baby next to me too. I looked at you while you were asleep and I could not help but fall in love with you again. The scene is from an old house of ours. It was so distant in the past and it felt like I had a good tour of the past again. The blanket around you was mine when I was little and I notice how ancient the image of you was. You were faded and you were in sepia while the rest looked black and white around you.

You woke up and the first thing I noticed when you looked in my eyes was that mole you have in the middle of your brows. You sat and just looked at me but you had nothing to say. You seemed to be just there naturally even when in my mind, nothing seemed true. I searched in your eyes but I could not see me. I wasn't there after all. I was only looking at you as a part of my distant past.

Then I went to find my mom in the kitchen. She cast an inquisitive look at me and even when she never spoke it out, I told her what I thought she wanted to hear. I told her you weren't there anymore and that you already left. I told her you have forgotten me and you no longer are coming back to me (referring to you as someone who has forgotten that you have promised me something eternal). I saw the sadness in my own eyes in the mirror. And I felt the heaviness of an abandoned heart inside me. I dashed up the steps back to my room and you no longer were there. The room did not look black and white anymore but you weren't there. My blanket was neatly folded on top of my pillow and there wasn't a trace of you. But my heart was heavy. I was sobbing in pain in one corner of my bed till I heard the rain outside my window. I peeked out and there you were... standing in the rain but looking at me in recognition. I ran downstairs but you again disappeared.

I woke up and yes...it was raining outside.

What a dream! I sometimes think why of all the people who came and went, why does it feel like an important part of my past is gone? I have had minor relationships in my life I guess even before you and none of them felt as deep as mine for you. It has been 7 years since we last met...but funny it feels just as intense as when we were together. Even my ex husband doesn't make me remember that way even when he is an important part of my past. Oh how I do remember you so bad. I can't contain it sometimes.

mind you.

Now this explains why I always think about you. Perfection is what I seek. Only in my case, it isnt 80 but 99%

Funny how my thoughts even let go of the bad even when I know that it lurks in every crease and crevices of my mind. I know how bad it is but I only remember the good in all of it. 

It creeps and it sleeps...it eats its way to the very core of my memory. I see myself right there... slowly being strangled by the dying hands of time. I cannot catch up for the very essence of my youthful affair is gone. I see how the twilight sets before me and the tunes of yesteryears get locked away in an abyss. But here I stand...without you.


I had a little puff of those weeds. I did so coz I was curious. I wanted to find out what the big fuss is all about since I was really young. I know how the old school folks can be sometimes - exaggerated. In my first and 2nd trial, I didn't still get the difference. I didn't know what to expect and he laughed when I asked if I looked any different. But today was different. He explained that pots are not illegal where he grew up and that they are non-addictive just like beer. When he mentioned "beer", I thought... that's a tricky one. I know how beer can be addictive especially when you are young. Well...anywyay I had a nice puff and I think I felt funny. Things started to appear so slow in front of me. I smiled to myself asking.. can that slow drift be any slower that I could actually hold the time in my hands all together again? I went farther into my distant memory till I saw you again. I was attentive enough when I heard your words ring in my ears again- in that time when you said something about weeds...that you once liked them when you were young. ...And so I thought to myself.. it actually does feel good. I felt good. I was alone with you and I could actually see you. Hahha. I think I am loving this. You don't need to drink anymore ever again to feel this way again. I got off beer long ago. I no longer drink as much as I did when I was with you. I guess those times are gone. After all, being a mother is not giving me so much time to do stuff I so normally did when I only had one child to take care of. I so long forgot how to chill and waste so much of my time just to get to this kind of relaxed state that I am in now. To feel this same sensation, I had to drink a lot. I can't believe that in one puff, I am there without the spirits. But one thing is for sure... that no matter how I get there, I still get to that particular point in time where I enjoyed life the most - the times when I could turn and find you there. I must say that with all the people in our lives now and all those little add-ons... I still remember how we both were and how I exactly felt when we were together. I know that will never come back... but how I wish it ended better than it did. How I regret the kind of ending we've brought our story to.

In tribute to my page

I was so honored today when I have discovered that a rendition in tribute to my blog is now on Amazon. I am proud of you my friend, and just as how your work was on Cafe del Mar, I wish for you to soar higher and farther. Ride the storm. Now you must be truly too busy again to come and visit my blog page like you used to.

No he hasn't made his presence known to me ever again. And I can never have that chance to tell you anything new about him anymore. But still I thank you for your music - it has definitely made me remember to come back to my blog page again and think about him- the ancient person of my heart- he who is the main reason for the existence of my blog page. 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Summoning-the-Winds/dp/B00B49PP0G

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4ctEgreRmLM

If you remember

 Is this how you remember me? Or is it far more uglier than anything else about these photos?

I was trying to finish that little surprise I had for your birthday.... but :( I don't think I was inspired enough after a lengthy time in bed. I just was super sick I could not even work. I wanna wait for that time that I find myself again in that realm where everything just flows smoothly from my head and manifests in a form worth sharing with you. I know it will come.

How I miss thee. How I wish I could see you again po. I don't know how that would be but I am sure it would be the most awkward time in my life again. ...Like the time I ever felt you beside me. Nerve rocking, coin-dropping instance.

How I loved thee. How I loved being loved. How I miss being loved. How I wish for it back!

Today I am very sick and I can't even move. My temperature never went down since 2 days ago. I would love to finish that little image I have created for you on your special day, my love... but maybe putting it here today won't matter much anyway. I'll post it very soon after I am feeling better po.

Happy Birthday My love

I have a card for you po

http://www.123greetings.com/events/april_fools_day/happy/the_fooling_story.html

Listening to "mohicans" again and all it brings to me is the memory of the time when you and I were still on. I can't help but smile and at the same time feel so intense about things again. I looked at myself at the mirror and interestingly enough I went back to my seat not remembering how I look like today. Perhaps I was staring at the mirror but I was thinking of nobody else but you. And when I think, I remember images and sometimes my mind has that capacity to display a scene before me that did not even happen at all. Music- they can bring a lot of memories... my mind - it can make up some real good stories. Hehe.

A little bit of braggin

One Sunday, I had a little time to be in the kitchen with my daughter and these were what I was able to make from scratch. I think you will like these too =)

 Apple Berry Pies with flaky crusts that I have made from scratch. No instant doughs.

My pizza was also made from scratch. I have prepared my own dough using a delayed- fermented method. I did not have a round pan so I ended up with a square one. Who cares about the shape when it comes to pizza at home anyway? Hahha.. I am glad that my dough ended up tasting just like yellowcab's. I say I like my pizza better than shakey's or pizza hut because I was able to put in all the ingredients that I love to have and I am sure my dough tasted better. Hehe (sorry I can sound so full of myself now... just being proud of what I was able to come up with haha). German bratwurst sausages, smoked ham, pepperonis, mozzarella cheese, grated parmesan, fresh italian basil leaves, sun-dried tomatoes, pine nuts. Yeeyy! Let's eat my love. 

a little treat for my mind

I ended up looking at my wall paper for such a long time today and I have thought of you a lot. How serene and happy it felt to imagine myself under that tree with you... or even just walking around with you. I know you might not feel the same way but hell that doesn't matter anymore, does it? Hehe.

Happy thoughts... happy memories... happy days, happy life.

How I love thee

Life has changed so much for you since then, hasn't it my love? And so did it for me. :) I am sure you know how to supply my real face in the place of this smiley that I have just typed here. If you really are there.. or so at least as though I am talking to your spirit now... I hope you would read on and just set the most subtle tone to every line you read in this blog today.

It has indeed been a very long time since I last saw you po. I could not even imagine how I could trace my way back inside my mind so I could catch a glimpse of you back in time and follow every single event in your life that lead you to what's now. You must be one very happy man now that you might not even be thinking in the same way that I do.  Or maybe you don't because there is simply no need for it anymore. You know at this point I am hoping so hard that I am wrong. :( You must be one heck of a very busy family man now for a rapidly growing family... I should be happy about that by the way. But something inside me let's me feel the other way.

It is one heck of a very complicated feeling I am feeling inside right now. I miss you so much but my mind tells me to forget about it too because I am only investing so much emotion on the wrong person. But how can you be so wrong for me when at the same time you are the only subject in my head that makes me yearn and want and covet and crave and you name it...I got it for you.

I really wish my words mean anything to you even when you can't do anything about it anymore. I don't know why I did not have that complete power over you and why I drew you in too late to make you my one and only own? Why did it have to be at that time? Why did I feel so different for you and why do I still believe that until now? I wanna scream and I wanna just completely toss you out of my life so that I don't feel sad when I look far across the coziest landscapes and you won't be there.

How I bleed inside of me when I think about you and I can't do a freakin thing at all. I simply am so bad in your eyes or anybody else's. How I implode when there are no other words that come to my mind but I love you. How I die when I reach out in the dark for you and you don't talk to me at all. ...Not a single word. Not a slightest hint of memory from your part. How hard it is. How difficult it is to feel this. I am tired of it and I scream so hard for the 7th year to wipe it all away from that little realm of memory.

But my heart is far more influential than my thoughts in most cases- for at least myself only.

I terribly miss him =(

talking to myself

Have you ever admitted to yourself that you in fact miss me? Maybe not....even when you many times scanned all of the remaining realms of which you thought I would be in. Have you ever convinced yourself that you still love me? Maybe not...even when you still feel that tickle down your spine when you see hints of my own affections still existing for you. Have you ever realized how much you actually need me? Maybe never... even when you succumb to your curiosity and you find yourself reading my pages over and over again. Did you know I say Yes to all of these? Did you know how crazy I still am for a love that never was meant for me? What a waste to have a taste of things that can't be mine. How I regret having to love this much ..when all I get is the complete opposite of what you have promised me.

They say a true coward is one who purposely arouses another person's love while never having the intention to love her back just the same.

But F^&* that thing they say! ... to me, you are just one I will always love no matter what.

Few days before you

Funny I was digging through my old stuff and I found all of these photos that interestingly...was taken just few days before I ever knew you. How I wish I was young again. I could have gone missing on that day I had to be on ICQ. LOL. Sad ending :(