I dreamed I was at some seashore. I was supposed to be there with my colleagues on a business. Jeez it is funny hahah because I was actually reading a book while submerged in water. And what is funnier is that it felt so logical in my dream that I was there in the water and asking my colleague why we were in the shores of some Asian country. She just replied to me that we are in Malaysia and we had to pass by there because we needed to get something. Duh?? hahha.

I was there and still reading a book when all of a sudden my thoughts have changed about the book that was in my hands. It seemed like I was suddenly reading a chapter that was sooo old and familiar to me. When I looked up I suddenly saw you my love. You were walking normal with a woman who is a stranger to me. It seemed like you were also at work and were discussing something with her in utter seriousness. You did not notice me at all. Or maybe you did but you just did not know me anymore. I just stared at you while in the water and my heart ofcourse was pounding fast since in my mind, you are so familiar to me. But I just was looking at you like an outsider would. I watched you all the way till you have disappeared with her. You were just a passerby. :( I was left there wondering if you've seen me at all. Or if you really did not just recognize me. I woke up still searching for you. The sight of you made me clean my eyes first thing in the morning. And so he asked what is the matter. I said I dont know. I think I just caught colds while sleepin.

December 6 will soon be coming. As a matter of fact, in just a few days from now. It will officially be 5 years since I have last seen you my love. How long ago is 5 years? I still feel the same love as though I am being loved back in the same intensity, as though I've seen you just this morning. Your image remains as young as five years ago in my mind. You smell just the same as 5 years ago and feel just as tender as last night ... only in my head. My hand starts to feel so numb to anything I touch. It might be the age haha but yeah... I only know how you feel in my hands 5 years ago.

I miss that little mole of yours at the center of your forehead. I miss that little bunch of hair under your lower lip and most of all... i miss that smell of yours through the night and early in the morning. How lucky it must be to be for someone to open the door for you at the end of each day. How lucky the seat must be for carrying your weight while you sit and stare into the skies in deep thoughts of anything so important to you. How lucky must be your clothes to feel your body the entire day through. How lucky is everyone but me? How lucky those strangers must be that you have smiled at them for even just a second during the day.

How lucky is everyone but me :(

You hate me. You have expressed your deepest regret that you have spent any time with me. You have taken back all the nicest of words you have uttered to me by verbally attacking me over the phone. You have abhorred me by denying me in front of her while I was listening. You have loved me wrongly even from the start and I have been mislead to the bitter end.

Now I cannot help but again cry and feel sorry that I have been so very stupid in believing everything you have told me during the happy times. I can hear our music in the background now and I just really really am sooo tired in begging for you subliminally to come back to me. I know it is stupid but yes I do want you more than anything for my heart. I believe that if only I was made the mother of your children, I would make you a happier man. I would love you unconditionally as I love you now. I would always adore you in anyway the others cant. I would respect you in any manner the others wont. I have never felt this way even for anyone else in my life before you. Yes, not even for my first husband. I have forgotten him in just over a year since you came into my life. But with you :( I don't know why you mange to squeeze into my thoughts at anytime during the day. And it does happen so constantly. Everyday never goes without you in my mind my love. I am sad because I am afraid that after all, I am the only one who in fact have loved so dearly through our time together. I can't accept that you are gone this way. When I get frustrated in my life, I always remember you. I do because I believe so much that if only I were with you, I would never be sad. I don't need money. I am sure you could not buy me all the good things in life too... But to me, the most important thing is that, you can give me the things that money cannot buy. Your love to me is the most wonderful thing that any woman could wish for. That is why when I lost it... I felt that I have lost my life and my happiness too.

Effing Dreams!!!!

I wonder why I really keep dreaming about you lately. So much to my wanting to forget about you so that I won't have to suffer, my subliminal just doesn't let go :(
I feel sorry for myself this time that I cannot help myself much when it comes to you. I feel angry too that I just cannot get rid of you. Everywhere I look, I see you :( I am tired, my love. I really am.

Last night I was with you again. We were walking along this unfamiliar road together. You were holding my hands and we were happy together. then along the road I saw my brother again (funny I always see my brother when you are in my dream) you and him conversed a little and then there was an instance when I felt that we did not have to show him how much we felt for each other. But then.. it just kept showing. I wanted to hold you close to me and just enjoy that moment with you and then I would also try to pull my hands away a little thinking that you wouldn't want me to show anybody my affection for you. I wanted my brother to stop talking to you and just go away because I could no longer hold my yearning for you. I wanted us to be alone together. I want us to be just by ourselves and enjoying our moment together.

I woke up to nothing ofcourse but a complete feeling of being deserted. I dont want this feeling. It makes me cry in yearning for nothing. My relationship with you was a complete failure that I can never help myself from. I don't effing understand myself even as to why I keep feeling the same. I dont know which part of the " you dont love me anymore" didn't I understand there.

F#^&&(*)_)(*&^%$%^&*()!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!