I never wanted to think about you anymore as it brings a lot of different and sometimes confusing emotions in me. My memories of you is an endless jumble of pains and sorrows..I've realized. Yes...there were happy ones but they were short lived. I perhaps would not want to go back to exactly the same state anymore if I were given any, as I have realized it only killed the very soul in me. I have decided to not feel anything when your name pops up in my head. But I have found out that I should work first on the idea of not remembering you at all so that I won't feel anything for you or about you anymore. ..And.... it isn't that easy after all.
The moment I restrain myself from coming in here... you take on a different form to remind me of my feelings for you before I even completely think of your name.
I dreamed about you again. It's been a while since I've been here to visit the memory of you and you came to me as though reminding me to fulfill an endless responsibility to write it down and share it with you.
....
I saw you at the airport. You looked cautious as you ever did in all of your visits when I came to meet you at the arrival area. This time you never spoke a word. But your eyes perhaps told me where to meet. I don't know how the scene shifted from there to a public bathroom. I did not pick up the details on where that bathroom might be but it sure felt like we've never gone far from the arrival area. That familiar naked body got behind a swinging door and into the shower of the gents' cubicle...and I was in the ladies' sneaking my way into your arms. You still never spoke a word... but I felt that air of unease drenching me from all corners of that private yet public bathroom. Finally you looked into my eyes and I saw that familiar flame burning in your eyes. " Do what you need to do, Sweetie".
I had nothing to say to you. I thought of nothing but clearing your face and neck of the drizzles from the past. I stuck out my tongue to taste those tears in your eyes...but I have realized they were nothing but blunt taste of water. I heard your ecstatic and definitely-aroused sighs and I saw those familiar red patches spelling out my name across your chest. I went as deep as where you would remember yourself 8 years back and kept you there inside of me. I looked into your face and I could not believe you were making love to me again. I had nothing to say to you. I just had to feel everything that you were trying to say to me. I could not hear your words better than the warmth of you plugged deep in my very soul again. I turned away and realized that we were in public bathroom. There was nothing that kept us private. There were no knobs on the main door ... and no locks on the swinging doors. I realized that although no one would see my legs from outside....they would very well see the emotions in your face... and probably my head poking up and down the top-edge of the jolting doors.
I panicked when I realized the shame I have been doing. I looked at your face and I desperately would want to utter my thoughts of the moment too. But I could not. I have no more words to tell you that would make sense. I'd rather keep my agonizing thoughts to myself and spare you from trying to justify my existence in your life. I looked at the main door and saw another stranger come in. When the door swung open... I saw her outside (oblivious of my presence), waiting for you to come out again. I woke to my sense and felt the agony of having to feel guilty of what I was doing. In this culture I have realized...nobody will ever side me. I will always appear as the evil one even when I totally feel that I am just a victim too. Nobody will understand how deep a love a woman can also have for a man who has a wife if you are other than his wife. Nobody will look into your pains and listen to your groans coz you are simply evil. You are not human and you cannot be hurt as his wife. I sink in my thoughts everyday and ask a lot of questions like: How can love be evil? How can I love without desiring? How can I be free with you when your hands are bound with the cords of matrimony? I never planned to have fallen for you and most certainly never been ready to be hurt this way after a failed relationship of my own.
..... I never desired you away from her but on contrary, I have desired longer moments with you and freedom to be with you.
So back to my dream....I knew that is never going to happen. My heart was bleeding as I saw you lavishly pound those ancient ecstasy away. My breath runs shallow as I see you stare with eyes blind of the "wrong" passion. When one stranger opened the door and left, I saw that she was gone too. So I slipped out without saying a word to you and ran back to the ladies' room to sob my pains away. I was scared she would catch me there with you as you would again deny me a thousand times and make up with her at my expense.
As I cleared my thoughts, I fixed myself up. I walked out of the door and hoped to see you standing out and smiling at me. But I woke up and never knew the answer to that.
I felt that pain and endless longing for you again when I got out of bed this morning. I felt sad that I could no longer find you in any realm of my waking life. I can no longer have that chance to see you again, my love. Nothing in this world will ever make you think of me and reach out to me...because you see me as a threat to your own happiness with your family. I deeply regret that you have greatly misunderstood me that time and labeled me of something I never ever am and will ever be. You have denied me and totally mutilated my last ounce of belief in the goodness in me. I thought I was all that important to you too but when you uttered those words... I stood appalled. You brought me to certain heights when you were alone with me...but now that she found out, you just let go of your grip and left me falling to an endless abyss of self-mockery and shame. I pray that the Lord would forgive me for loving you. I simply don't understand how I am and how I was with you. I don't know how to explain why I love you. Until now I can't justify whether or not I have been utterly bad because she thinks whatever you've declared to her is the right thing. I don't know if I am at ease with the thought that everyday, she curses only me because that is what she has been made to think. I can't accept the thought that an angel like you broke my heart into millions of irreparable shards. How am I the one to be solely blamed for "ruining" your family? Those declaration keep ringing in my head over and over again. If only there is a way for me to go back into the past and fix something I don't want, it would be the moment I ever had to completely believe in the promises you have ever given me. I would change too the way I completely trusted somebody with my secrets simply because I could not handle my emotions all bottled up to myself...and I would also change perhaps the trigger to you having to tell me that I was your biggest regret in life. I cry now as I write this down because these words completely killed my very core of being me. I have never felt this pain when my ex-husband and I had to separate from each other. I suffered physical pain but my soul has never been smashed this bad. My hurt now is the kind of hurt that cannot be easily fixed. I even have greatly forgotten how it is to feel like I belong to this realm. If there is anyone who did anyone much wrong to hurt this deep, then I think that would be...my love for the right you.
You will always win. My heart and mind fails me. I cannot abandon your memory and I cannot run away from this story from the past that I keep telling myself over and over again. I love you my dearest soulmate. You have forgotten who you are and what you become when you are with me.
I belong to the shadows of the past. I will always haunt you. I will find you and you will never be lost again.
No comments:
Post a Comment