The new love I found in the ancient "him"

I forgot how it is to be here. Imagine me forgetting even my login details.

I perhaps have lost it. No, not the Love, but the drive to write about it.

I have set this account to be "unsearchable" in any search engine, and un-associated to any of my personal profiles online, so that I can come here anytime to talk to myself. Here I feel like just any high school girl who would giggle or cry when writing her diary. Here... I am alone with him. In here.. I can think of locking the pages with a key..and putting it away where my brother can never find it.

What is this feeling I feel in the back of my head always? I feel like something has been rekindled from a distant past and is making a comeback in the form of exactly the same man. Lol. I might not be making any sense to you if I said this to you, but it definitely means everything in my mind right now.

Throw back the past decades in here: 

.... I am beginning to like his mess. It was all very very wrong. I wanted to be one of his things. I wanted to be ..picked up and put down again and again. I wanted to be treated by his hands...according to some ...sophisticated principle that I don't understand. I want him to touch me and be handled by his hands.