Summoning the Winds

It is soooo hot in the Philippines and I wish I am not stuck in my room with the aircondition on. It is baking 37 degrees in the front yard and I sure am glad we do have trees in most parts of the garden. Without them, I wont have bees and butterflies and noisy birds in the mornings. I think these creatures are becoming rarer in this country each and every year and it sure is sad If like one creature I always had seen in the past, they would disappear without me noticing. I remember when I was in Cambodia - how the shrill sound of cicadas in the daytime reminded me of moments in Antique when I was little. They came and went and rang in my ears that I had to hide under my blanket when I heard them. I got scared for a reason that I don't understand till this day. That sound just disappeared in time ... and I haven't realized it was gone till the time I heard them again in Cambodia - that was 27 years later in my life.

I remember those tall trees where he brought me. They were amazing amidst the putrid smell of bat dungs. He held my hands in his and my mind flew everywhere - into the little cavities on the temple walls, into the basket that sat right at the feet of a Buddhist statuette and into the room that he and I shared together. My mind was in a state of meditation that I hardly heard his voice talking to the mahout. He was arranging a little ride for me... something so sweet of him- he never failed to think of "first times" for me. He knew I never ever did ride an elephant before in my life and he just did what he thought would amuse me most. He was in fact good at that! Every single thing he thought of for the rest of my stay in Cambodia was something that tingled my memory so sharply even after 5 years. He meant it to be that way I guess and I get confused when I am lead to think now that he meant it to be that way because it was going to be his last.

I could see him there but something in the mist whispered a strange thought in my mind. Something in his eyes made me feel strangely sad and something in the air made me feel so estranged. I stood there looking at him and observing him as he pointed his shutters everywhere. I looked far into the horizon and I thought ... I should carefully notice every single detail of the skies and things around me.. for I may never be in the same place ever again in my life and may never again be with the same love ever again in my life. A wave of sadness swept my mind. And now that I know everything that transpired after that... I have realized that that "sadness" was a bow wave- some ripple of emotion I have conceived before the ship's bow that caused the ripples approached the shores. I heard his shutters click as he took a photograph of someone in the crowd. I looked at his face - he has grown slightly older than the first time I have ever met him. He had a little sun burn at the back of his neck .. but he does not grow dark i know. His skin only turns red under the sun. I went to wrap my arms around him and he took me in his arms in response. I could remember the way I felt -- I was so comforted by just feeling his torso on mine, smelling his perfume from his nape and seeing strangers staring at us from behind and smiling at the sight of us being so intimate with each other.

That moment was one of the best moments I ever recall with him. I so cherish it that I now am dying to be in his arms again. No matter what I say at times to convince myself that I have moved on... I still see him in my dreams and smell him in the air. I still long for the same embrace and run to him when I feel sad. They only happen in my mind now and I sure hope that my thoughts are as powerful as anything that can bring the man back to me. There are lots of things he has failed to understand in the last conversation and there were lots of things that triggered the wrong reactions when he last spoke with me... but I brush that all off my mind most of the time. I only wanted to remember the good things. Only the good things because.. I think a positive thought is way more powerful than the negative ones.

Let my love and memories of you reach you from afar, my love. Let your heart zoom back to the past and realize where we both failed to understand each other. Let your heart see that there will never be yet another love the same as the one you and I have ever shared.

I love you in my my memory.,, and my memory lives forever... sometimes they happen again and again.