I was so ready to forget about all these. I never even thought of this anymore so that I would no longer have to hurt myself time and time again. It is the thought of you not talking to me that kills my inspiration that is why I wanted to teach myself to not rely on even a single figment of our memories together. Sometimes I no longer feel because my heart has grown so numb already. 6 years is such a lengthy time for the heart to heal if you asked others. But this is not the case for me, I admit. I still am mired in this very difficult situation wherein I stare out of the window from time to time and still zoom back to a private scene with you. Even in my sleep, my dreams do this for me.
Last night I saw you again. We were agreeing to meet privately and you were giving me 3 cones of ice cream. Cones of Ice cream? I know it is funny and it sounds childish but ... yeah, you did give me 3 cones of ice cream in my dream. I knew the dream was lengthy but...for some reason..the scenes weren't so vivid. Instead, it was the EMOTIONS in my dream that was so vivid and I could not forget the intesity of it at all untill this moment. Some scenes went like... I was sitting in front of you staring at your face as you clasped my cheeks in the palm of your hands. You were kissing me tenderly like how you would often do in our happy days together.... and then more emotions I think were there.. till the emotions turned a bit more realistic as it is now between you and I. I recall staring from outside waiting for you to come out and speak to me. But you just stared at me as though I were never there anymore and you did not even make a move to make me feel better about the whole thing. I remember the feeling of waiting for you like forever in my dream. Staring at you..wanting you to extend your arms and giving me the tightest hug you could ever possibly give just to let me know that you do love me as always.
I continued staring into your eyes and you let out a smile as though wanting to show me how happy you are that I am suffering. And so... I walked away with a heavy heart. It started to rain all around me but I kept walking till I reached my favorite cliff by the sea. Someone came over to ask me what I was doing there in the rain and I did not want to even turn my head around to explain.
But then that voice sounded closer. I looked around coz I thought I recognized it was yours. That warm voice of yours that always made me want to run into your arms like a child. But I looked and you weren't there. I remember staring at a house for such a long time knowing that you were in there. I remember my thoughts trying to tell you that "hey, my love...I'm out here po. I know you won't want to come and see me because you simply can't. But I do love you, my love. And it is all so different now. Goodbye my love. I am here"
But yes.. it was a dream to remind me again of something. I don't know anymore if I am to still think of hope as a subject. But all I can feel now is sadness that this had to be. I wanted to truly just NOT remember you anymore anywhere in my thoughts. But yes... I do come to this blogspace everyday to just talk to myself hoping that you will come one day and tell me that you do come and read this yourself. I see many hits from where you are but.. I will never truly know too who it really is unless I see a trace of some keywords. Keywords that only you would know how to use in finding me and my blog. I have also removed this URL from search results and content network. This is but my private blog and I assume nobody would be here but me and perhaps, if you did care even just a bit, YOU. But... still ... I cannot vouch for the effectiveness of some features sometimes. I know my blog has existed long enough for other people to find out about it too and I most definitely cannot tell the analytics to give me more details than a freakin view map. I hate google for not being able to deliver the most important detail to me sometimes such as keywords. Plus.. I think people can just go directly to my URL to view my account-in which case, there wouldn't be any keyword trace ofcourse.
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