Fading out.

And so he comes from time to time to check what I have been up to. "Nothing much, my love". That's what I have told him in my dream.

But yes, I meant - nothing new. And then I looked to see who in fact I was talking to because I am not used to the thought of speaking to him normally, I saw him with a huge family in the background. I counted them all and he has 3. Hahah. So I smiled at him and said "Jeez you were really serious when you meant you love your family, huh" . I remember how I talked and tried to make him think that it didn't hurt at all. I told him that I no longer get bothered by it anymore. After all, it is not anymore a life that I dream to have. He is living his life the way he chose it to be. And here I am living my own one. This is what I have now and this should be what I am meant to have.

You my love....are not mine. You never will be in this life time. You must have strayed only from this situation you have now when we were yet in the happy times. This is your life and this should be yours. I am sorry if I misunderstood your real intentions when you were with me. I did not know you meant to lie to me only. It goes to show that I am never that somebody who could live a "make believe" kind of love. Had I been the right one, I am sure we would have been in touch until now. I was never your soul mate. Had I been, I would have understood your cues so well. But I haven't. Instead, everything got even more screwed up.

I am sorry for the complications I have caused you when I did not know your plans anymore. I did not know truly that she was going to be there with you already. You never mentioned it to me. I wish you could have admitted that fact. I truly was not aware she would be with you. I got your phone number purely by accident when in my quest for you, it was given to me voluntarily by someone whose name I'd rather not mention anymore.You were surprised I even got your number. Ooopps... I think you were more of "feeling awkward" and "scared" instead of "surprised" I guess. You promised to even call me again.... and you didn't. After that incident, I waited for your call but you never did anymore. So when I redialed, it was the wrong timing obviously. I just hang up and started crying forever. In my pain...especially after finding out that you have lied to me, I got sick.

I no longer knew what happened then. I just got bombarded by your calls. And everytime I picked up, I heard you yelling at each other. (Honestly, I did not know you could yell like that at each other. It put me off big time especially when I heard her words towards you. I think I could never ever say those even in my harshest of anger towards you). The next time I got hurtful messages, I asked for our password from you. When I got the right one, I thought (just as always) that I am free to speak out my mind and that it is safe to use words that were normal between you and I. But until now I do not understand why you have forgotten that little arrangement we always agreed on. Why did you give me the right password if I could not at all speak normal to you? Had you just given me any, I would have helped you put things back in track with her. I would have understood that I could not divulge anything along the conversation. Everything else after that password was total chaos. It was a misunderstanding that blew everything out of proportions for me. I got nothing but hurtful words from you. And you were not even satisfied, you had to think of punishing me with more messages and calls and more accusations of things that weren't quite correct at all of me.

 After all, I was not going to take you away from her po. My love for you is not selfish. I go with whatever you have the heart for. I was ready to just die on my own in so much grief and just be patient with whatever had to come for me. I did not think that confiding in someone close to me would be wrong either. Whatever came after that was no longer my fault, so at least I thought. But I was always wrong in my assessment of people. I was wrong in thinking that your love for me was true. I was wrong in thinking that I could trust my cousin with my secret. I was wrong in many many things about you and her.

When you called me and said goodbye, I thought that was final. I never ever looked back into the idea that you might change your mind again and that you would call me again after a few moments to take back everything you have said to me (just like you did during the first year when you were forcibly asked to do so by her. You even had to run somewhere i remmeber to quickly phone me and tell me that all you have said were not true. That you do love me so much and you didn't want to loose me)....But I didn't understand again why after few days, I kept receiving taunting messages from you and her. Hahaha. Enough of these stupid things now. I think I just need to forget thoroughly now.

I am starting to accept everything now. Even when you will remain the love I would forever want and cherish, I have given you up po. I no longer wanted to hurt. If only I could zap this memory of you. If only the world I have built in the past 11 years did not evolve around you so much, it would be much easier. And so your words.... You win, I loose!

And so to you- a family man of happy three. I have a smile that would launch a thousand memories only. Love was great whilst it was.

I believe in my dreams now. I know when messages come to me correctly. I am just not sure of that part wherein you speak normal to me - with no anger, no resentments. I am not so sure whether the message is to be taken literally when you do show that passion in your eyes whenever you looked at my face in my dreams Hahahah. Dreams are dreams perhaps. Maybe they are just a figment of my memories of you.