There are days that I just don't feel like coming here and writing about anything. But most of the time I do think about this realm. I know that I oftentimes come here only to write about my thoughts and not to describe about how I really am doing ... but yes.. it's because I think a lot about things I can never share with anybody that I often think of this place and want to come here to write them all down as often as I wish I could.
I dreamed about you quite often these days. I wonder why ofcourse because ... I cannot think of any reason why I wouldn't all the way everyday for such a long looooong time since I think about you always anyway. Is it because...you think about me too lately? Or... is it because .. you miss me too? Or... do you hate me more than ever that you would just want to torture me with my stupid dreams of yearning . And that you'd just laugh after learning about it because it isn't so true at all to you... and that you know I'd be sitting up staring into the blank horizons wondering exactly why I'd ever see you in my dream again and yet wish the answer is all about the good things I dream of when with you after all these time?
Dream 1....
it started at that moment when you perhaps finished talking to me.. and I was the one who said.. "Ok honey, I'll just text you where I am going to wait for you. So please be safe here. I'll see you soon my love" .... You never uttered a word at all. You just looked at me in agreement. For all I remember.. I was in a public bus all the way to nowhere. And then out of the blue, I remembered that 30 minutes had lapsed and I forgot to text you where I was going. I turned to my phone in panic.. knowing in the back of my head that I am missing you so much and I so terribly would want to see you already. But as I tried to find your phone number... I realized I don't have it in my phone. I could not reach you. I stared out of the window witnessing how my bus was moving farther and farther into a distant nowhere..moving farther away from you.
Dream #2...
I was back in that hotel that only existed in my past dreams and never in reality. There was you and I happy together. We were staring at each others eyes loving each other as much as we used to. I opened my eyes and I was in that shore where you first saw me in my dream. You were wearing white and I was in that raft. I was sent back to a distant past where I could've changed everything about us....where you could've said something else instead of " I am home"
Now.. I really am confused my love. I don't know why after all this time... my mind and heart always go for you. It is not like I am always unhappy about what I have now. But I am living a life that lucks something far deeper than the love this moral world ever knows simply because I can't have you. You are not mine here in this waking world. But why does my soul reach out for that kind of joy who recognizes only you and your name? How my name should sound far sweeter in my ears if only I wake up one morning hearing you saying my name over and over again. As you make love to me.
I miss you so much my love.
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