With you again!

I was awakened by my own tears in the morning. I don't usually cry in my sleep or while I am dreaming but I did this time around.

I had a dream. Something I should thank you for again, but... It only made me yearn more for you. I take it as a joke sometimes because I know none of these things are true in my waking life.

You were in an island surrounded by really deep waters. Behind you I see a big mountain towering the skies. For some reason, as I saw you standing, I felt like I was the one isolated from everybody else. I was looking at you and I felt my heart pounding underneath my rib cage. It was the same feeling I felt every time I had to see you at the airport. The feeling of having to see you again after a very long time has always been intense.

You smiled at me just like how you did whenever you walked out of the arrival gate. As I drew closer to you, you just kissed me just as sweetly as you always did whenever you saw me. Ahhhh! how I miss the feeling of it. I have to admit that ever since you were gone, I never had the same moment anymore. I felt that sudden jolt of thunder under my fingertips when I realized you were sweet to me again. I did not know I was dreaming. I felt like it was sooooo real. Then as I cried, you wiped away my tears and uttered the most endearing words I ever so missed hearing from you.

" I love you, sweety! You are funny that you never got to realize that. I have never left you anyway. I was always there and you were just not aware of it. I told you I would surpise you one day. Please don't cry. I am here now. I always was."

....perhaps this was the part where I actually cried in my sleep.

The scene changed. This time around, I was waving goodbye to you but my heart was wanting to see more of you. I was lead away from you like how a prisoner would be dragged away from her visitor by all the prison guards. I saw you waving goodbye to me and I was just saying "No..no.. please stay. Please?...for me?" But you did not listen to me. Instead you were pointing at something. You were suggesting I should look inside my bag. And so I opened it to see what you were trying to say to me. As I reached in, I pulled out a little butterfly. It wasn't moving but it wasn't dead. It was so beautiful. Then inside was a stash of money that I did not need. I did not know why you've placed it there but I most certainly did not ask for it from you. I looked back at you and you were waving at me. You finally said, you would wait for me in a ship.

Indeed it was a lengthy kind of dream... like a movie... so complete and sensible even in waking life.

And so I found myself in a ship. I was with you. So happy I thought I would never want to wake up. Funny I was somehow aware in my dream that I might be only dreaming.
I was in your arms, smelling your perfume. How I just drowned in so much ecstasy. I was at last in your arms. How wonderful that felt. I belonged there. Never did I feel such tenderness with any other.Those lips, the smell of your skin, the rhythm of your breath... I recognize them all so well. I looked at your hands and I just could definitely tell that they were yours.

My brother suddenly appeared from nowhere and told me: You both actually good best together!

Strange that he would say that. It seemed like he saw how happy you have made me. I smiled and looked back at you to find a trace of what he sees in you. But a wave of sadness swept my heart. I have realized that...you are a family man.

You don't belong to me in this world.

I looked back at you and there you are, thousands of miles away from me. I could not reach you.

I was crying at the thought that I know I am just someone who is not the mother of your children. I am not the one you come home to everyday. I am not that person you speak of when you talk to others. I am no longer that woman you once claimed to be your soulmate.

It is sad to be the other woman. At least for me because... unlike just anyone, I was not playing around. I was always waiting for that day when you would find it in your heart to again tell me how much you wanted me with you forever. How I wish I would be that person whom you would die for just to be with. Unlike any other women of some married men, I truly do love you. I was always waiting for that day when you would also tell me how you would want me no matter what. I wanted you just like any woman who loves would.

Now.. I am just that person who would always be at the wrong edge of morality in your life. Imagine how it feels when I wanted the same as she does and anything you do for me would always seem "wrong" in anybody's eyes. If you came and catered to my needs as a woman who loves you, I will only be that evil person who inflicts the wrongness of things in your head. When I miss you... I seem to have no right at all. How hard is it to keep yearning for you and everybody else sees it wrong? It is always wrong for me to want you and dream about you. But I am only human who loves too.

And then... I even would come to that part again when I would remember everything else you've said to me in the end. You have greatly cheapened my worth in your eyes and in her eyes and in my own eyes. You have made me soo frustrated in myself that my head suddenly spun into an endless twirl into the past. It was like falling into an unending whirlpool. I was lost. I did not know where to pick myself up or where I would land. I have realized that I was such a passive idiot that I never got to realize that you were already thinking that way about me. All the very nice gestures you have shown me suddenly turned stale in my heart. It felt like, I have been paid for all the times I have spent with you. I felt far much worse than a pick-up girl you just found in the streets.

With all these emotions and thoughts in my dream, I woke up to my own tears. I sat for nearly two hours just staring at the birds outside my window. You were just everywhere. I tried so much to conceal my sorrows but it was pretty much obvious. I was not in the mood the entire day. I was even ready to make this pass but a violent surge of emotions tells me I should write it down.

How will I ever get rid of you my love? I don't know why I can't even when I am soooo deeply hurt. A person of my character would always ignore things like this. I would even develop some defense mechanism wherein I would make myself believe that something is utterly wrong with you for doing that to me.. but in your case,.... I can't just do it. I can't lie to myself that I do really feel so much for you.

Maybe it is the closing? Maybe you never let me through that stage so well. Or maybe there ought to be none? How would I know? Why should I have met you then? Why am I to cry and be sorrowful if that did not have to mean anything in my life?

How can that man I love just break me apart this way? Why am I the only one who should carry all of these burdens?