what is it that compels one to linger in the past even when he sees the entire world pass before his eyes? Is it the idea that the road less traveled is the right one? Or is this thought just another romanticized understanding of what's written or said?
I am that sort of person who I notice, suddenly gets that flash of event in her head and suddenly feels intense about it. I am that kind who when a certain temperature gets set naturally for her, her mind takes her to distinct places that she so yearns to be in almost at an instant. When it rains for example, I see the gloomy skies as a perfect canopy of memories or dreams wherein I'd find myself alone with you. Suddenly I'd see your face flashing before me and my heart would just melt in that intense and unfathomable emotion I can never describe in words. I guess I am not that eloquent when it comes to my own feelings and thoughts. I notice I could not even come up with the proper words sometimes when I need to explain. At work, when I get to speak to certain people, I suddenly would catch myself at a loss for words. It is like...I think way ahead of my words that I'd suddenly find myself scrambling to find the right one to fuel my monologue and make it appear as smooth-sailing as I speak to them. Nobody knows ofcourse what went on in the backend if I were to metaphorically put it. Behind the scene is chaotic and that chaos may disguise itself as that momentary silence in the air... a sense of continuity that suddenly goes dead until I snap that imaginary webster fingers in my mind and connect the dots again.
I see you my love, as someone who is always a part of me. I do not know why I refuse to still think that everything is totally over. Perhaps this is the same as me ignoring the cues you gave me in the past on ending that relationship that has proven itself in time to be totally unnecessary. Or maybe you wanted it that way if only it were possible? That you and I just go ahead and ignore the intricacies of the daily events in our lives and hand in hand realize at some final point in time ...that we have slipped away silently from each other.
But I could never let that happen. ...I don't think it would have been possible that way too. You see...I am one lost soul. So lost in time I could not even snap out of anything now. I need help even.
How do you just forget about a name and stop effing googling it because you end up crying at anything you discover for yourself? How can one stop being jealous with a soccer ball or a microphone or an innocent iguana, simply because you held them in your hands for a nice clear photograph? How do you stop feeling sad over the good things that happen in your life without me being there? How can I not covet the contentment in her eyes when you hold her children in your arms as your own? I don't want to be in her shoes, I know. And I have reasons to think that I am way better off in my own set than being in hers especially now. ...But boy she has that one thing I never ever will have, the presence of a contented You.
How I have loved thee. I have adored and will adore you forever. I keep that certain admiration in me for a man like you who once held me in his arms with so much love. I know I never had it all because it was so secret I could not even shout it out and enjoy the bragging rights for being yours...but yes I loved that moment when I felt I belonged to you. You have claimed me for your own and you have made me feel owned forever.
Now.. :o( I see you smile in all those photographs without a trace of the past in your eyes. Maybe that is how I see it. But truly, photographs are static. They are mere representations of something that is dying, fading, unreal, or not even there. ..Or maybe now I am starting to add more sugar to what's bitter again. I must stop.
I am not jealous, but yes I am envious of something. I want to be loved as I was loved. I want a true love to find me again and set me back to my throne. I'd like to reign as queen next to a king I'd serve forever.
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